My mother, 92, lives alone a few houses down. She refuses to have even part time paid help or move to assisted living. She says she just wants to be with me. That won't work because she stayed with me after she fractured her hip and it was not pleasant. We do not get along. We cannot have a decent conversation and I have no patience left. She says I am bossy and disrespectful.
I am retired & widowed. Feel like my whole life has been as a caregiver. I was a nurse for over 30 years, babysat my grandchildren until school age and sometimes still do. I helped care for my dying father his last few weeks of life, cared for my husband with Alzheimer's until I no longer could and now I feel I have to resort to caring for her the rest of my life and I am ashamed to say I resent it. I have 2 brothers who live in distant states and still work full time so they can't help.
I also have a disabled neighbor who calls on me frequently for minor things.
I can see a cognitive decline like indecision, memory lapses, poor judgement. I think she is jealous of the little time I spend with my children and grandchildren. She is more unsteady even with a walker or cane. If I offer help with her medications or housekeeping,etc, she gets insulted and says she can do it herself. So far there have not been major mistakes.
Her reason for not wanting in home help or going to assisted living is she doesn't want to spend the money, which she can well afford.
Do I have to wait until she is declared incompetent to do anything? I do have POA and check writing privileges which I have never used. I would never use that unless absolutely necessary.
I am
It's time to tell your mother and your brothers that you have retired from caregiving. You deserve a life of your own. You can tell your mother that you'll visit her in assisted living but you won't cater to all of her needs as a single caregiver. Stick to your guns with your brothers, too. Tell them that they can are responsible if they won't help you find a solution.
If your brothers won't back you and get your mother paid help, then you could call your local social services and see if they can help. If they can’t do anything, then talk to an elder law attorney to see what you can do to ensure her safety. Since you have Power Of Attorney, an elder law attorney may be able to help you take some steps to move your mother or at least get her in-home help.
Sometimes, people must just wait until there's enough of an emergency to force the person to accept outside care. That's not a pleasant way to live, but it can sometimes be your only choice.
We’re all hoping that you can find a way to have some life for yourself, ceedee. You absolutely deserve it. Please check back and let us know how you are doing.
Carol
I could not get along with my Mother, in my home, either.
Dear Heavenly Father, I ask that you provide us with the strength & patience to know how to handle my ailing mother in law being forced to go back home with my elderly father in law who has dementia after being in a nursing/ rehab from many complications from diabetes, renal failure and Parkinson's disease. She's allowed to remain in the nursing facility up to 100 days paid by Medicare but because this is an ongoing occurrence and she had been in there from August through October and then had to return around Christmas, she used up her 100 days very quickly this time mainly because the 100 days apparently doesn't begin again until I believe you have been out for 60 days and then have another hospital stay. She can't walk or get around at all and needs total skilled nursing and they aren't unwilling to really pay for much help for lack of financial planning. It has really become a burden on my husband, his brother, my sister in law and myself over the past 4 years the most but it all truly began 14 years when she had quadruple by-pass surgery. She has never maintained her disease and now it has become all of our burdens and heartaches to deal with. It is causing great stress in my marriage and has caused us to place our lives on hold. Please provide us with the strength, patience, courage & wisdom to be able to do what is best for both of my in laws even if it means backing away and allowing the state to take over because they refuse to have us help them and believe that they can handle things on their own until my mother in law falls and then it's a crisis & demand that we rush to them. Each time they call 911 it's recorded & eventually APS (adult protective services is contacted) They even recently requested that my husband quit his job and we both move in so that they don't have to pay for anyone. He had to tough love it and tell them no because we have responsibilities of our own such as a mortgage and can not afford to do that. Then my mother in law proceeds on calling my husband inconsiderate when we have been at their beck and call for years now. We have tired to get the ball rolling on Wills, Trusts, POA's and assistance and they say they will think about it. Nothing ever happens. It's now been 4 years that this has been going on and we are at our wits ends and don't know where to turn. Lord please provide us with that is needed to do what is best for them as we really don't want to just turn away but with them not allowing us to assist them really, what choice are they giving us. We are not legal guardians and we do not care to be. I ask this is your heavenly name Lord.
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