I've asked questions here befor about my MIL, who refused rehab after open heart surgery at the end of August. Now, she is in a NH, receiving palliative care. She is refusing food mostly and getting quite weak. My husband, her eldest child, simply refuses to visit or call her. We've been married (I want to say only) 10 years, but you get what I mean, she is not my lifetime MIL, nor is he the person who is the father of my children. Should I insist? Should I DEsist? I've gotten very good advice here. Please let me know what you think I should do, both in the interest of "peace in the family" and long term consequences.
On the other hand, my own mother is a nasty, self centered person who has told me that she 'never really bonded' with me when I was a baby (!) and never misses a chance to take a swipe at me. My grandmother was more my mother figure and my mother is a petty, jealous person. My dad supports her no matter what. My husband, while so forgiving and kind to his mother, understands why I do not want to see my own. The past is the past. It can't be changed, that's for sure. But while my husband and his mother have made their peace, my mother refuses to have peace with me. My husband is loving and supportive of me and doesn't urge me to see my parents because he has witnessed abuse of me at their hands, even while they vacationed at our home for a month each year (we live in warm weather and have even offered our home to them to invite friends if we were out of town). You get to the point where, despite the fact that these people birthed you, you do not owe them your soul until you die. Or they do.
I tend to think that one's marriage is the primary relationship no matter what. My husband is the love of my life and I am his, so neither of us would encourage the other to do anything that would prove hurtful. But we are also honest and trust each other's advice. Depending on why your husband won't see her I would say, should determine whether you encourage him to or not. If he just 'hates to see her there' I would tell him to suck it up and visit. Some day he too may be in that position, or you may be. What would he think was right then?
ba8aluo - you haven't indicated anything about family relationshps and history, and there may, indeed, be something from the past affecting your husband's desire to visit his mum. Or it may be his inability to face what is happening to her now, or a real dislike of visiting hospitals - most likely some combination. My view is that his decisions need to be respected. I agree that asking him "why" gently, would be a good idea., and visiting her yourself, also, if you are inclined. No doubt this is a difficult time for him, and this is his way of dealing with it. My ex's sister was bipola, and in hospital after a manic episode. He refused to visit her -not that he didn't care for her, but he couldn't handle it. I had to respect that. She committed suicide not long after. I don't think he had any regrets about not seeing her - just regrets for what she went through. I hope she understood. ((((((hugs))))) Joan
I am 51 y/o and have known my in-laws for 7 years, married for 3 and the thing to remember is they (your husband and mine) have histories and pain with these people that you and I may never be privy to, their reasons are there own and as wives we are there to support them.
If you feel strongly about it maybe gently ask him why he doesn't want to go see her. Some people simply cannot put their feelings about "those places" aside to visit loved ones. My dad was awful at going in any hospital-like setting. He came to visit me when I was in hospital many years ago by standing outside my hospital room window holding the family pet, which I knew later was an excuse for why he didn't come in.
Have you been to see her? There is a lot to be said for leading by gentle, loving, pressure-free example.
My MIL is in an LTACH getting weaker, choosing not to eat or participate in getting better and it is extremely stressful and unhealthy for my husband to visit her, she is obstinate and he doesn't do well enabling people searching for pity. I fell for her game until the Dr.s proved that there is no physical/mental reason for her behavior so now I visit hospital as often as I can (3 hours away), call daily and share what I learn with my husband - I can be objective where it just breaks my husband's heart to see her give up. I think he is saying to her "if you want to see me, eat, get better and come home and I'll be there"
The thing I have told the family from the beginning is: if we want other people to respect the choices we make throughout our lives, we MUST lovingly accept choices made by everyone else, even when they seem silly and hurful to us. No judgements.
My ILs are messed up big time and it drives me nuts, but I just keep asking the 3 adult children if there is anything I can do to help, and then if the request isn't morally uncomfortable for me I will do it. My husband is holding family together and he doesn't have any strength left at the end of his day, so I "have his back"...happily.