Tips for coordinating parent's finances with someone you don't like?

Countrymouse, I tried answering Saturday but was having internet problems. You've hit the nail on the head. And thank you for such a clear explanation, too. Very helpful.

I actually think that Mom will get more money out of BIL than out of me, since I refuse to pay for her extras and he seems to want to. Part of what happened is I told BIL I was burned out and wasn't sure how much more I could do. And while I would like to walk away, I probably won't. So I will need to find a way to communicate with him more and not let his sometimes condescending attitude get to me.

As pam mentions, part of this, too, is me letting others help. Being the oldest, I'm used to doing most of things on my own. Well, BIL is the oldest in his family, so I guess there will be some clashing.

If he can get her better benefits, more power to him! Let him do the log on and bill paying. God bless him for offering to help! You deserve a break, crinkle. Many hands make lighter the load.

I don't blame you. This is really an awkward situation.

Looking at it from his point of view, from what you've said it sounds as if he's kind of rolled his eyes to heaven, thought "if you want a job done properly you've got to do it yourself" and is nobly preparing himself to do the job 'properly.'

Now, that's quite galling from your point of view. I don't suppose for a second that any of your mother's difficulties are your doing, or that there's been anything wrong with the way you've managed things for her. The difference is that he has disposable funds to offer and you haven't (and why should you, even if you had? - if he wants to be the good Samaritan, that's up to him).

But what does he want in exchange for his financial help? To take charge of supervising her account, analysing her spending and all future disbursements?

Hm. Taken one way, that could feel offensive. But if you take it another way… it could be a big relief. He looks after the money, you don't have to worry about it. Except...

The tricky bit remains your responsibility as POA. YOU are responsible for ensuring that all funds at her disposal are spent on her welfare, whatever their source; and that her funds are used as efficiently as possible for maximum quality of life; and that her known priorities and wishes are followed as far as possible. E.g. if you know that she would rather - oh, I don't know - spend her money on a fine French cheese than buy enough cereal for the week, then that's what you do. You can't allow someone she didn't appoint to barge in and take charge of all her spending.

Now even if BIL is kindly - let's say kindly, benefit of the doubt - offering to sort out the money, you're still responsible for it. So anything he does, such as paying in sums to her account, drawing up analyses, prioritising creditors, he has to ASK your permission for first. He can't just tell you later. And that means a lot more contact.

It's a complicated matter of trust, respect, shared aims and whatever history makes you not much care for him in the first place. Very difficult. But to say to someone "the money is nice but you know what you can do with the rest of your concern" is… not really going to work, is it. He isn't being unreasonable in expecting to have some kind of supervision of the money he's providing.

So you need to work out a way where you can report to him exactly what his money's going to be spent on, exactly what's required and how come, exactly what your mother's needs will be in the short to medium term. This will have to be a system that satisfies his justified questions, short of his actually having access to her online account (again, I do think you'd get into hot water over confidentiality there, potentially). He is going to have to trust you, just that far. If he can't, your mother may have to do without his financial help. What would happen then?

I think the two of you need to talk, difficult as that might be. Or maybe you could send him an email explaining that you have serious concerns about giving out confidential information on your mother's bank account, and asking him what kind of system he thinks could work? Don't forget that legally speaking, you're the boss. It's nice of him to offer help, but you're right to mind out for the strings attached - just because he's not going to pinch her money it doesn't mean he can't be a problem in other ways.

This could still all work out really well, don't give up.

I know my instinct is cautioning me. What is the danger in giving BIL the account log on information? Mom only gets Soc Sec and will soon get Medicaid, Lifeline, food stamps, and anything else she qualifies for. I don't believe he will take what little she has. He can't get to my money since I am not on any of her accounts. I've made it very clear to him that I have no money to support her ever, so he has taken the financial burden on himself. Just trying to think through all the angles.

The beginning to any successful interaction is setting clear, shared expectations at the beginning.

Say you want the process to be... (what every you want)
Clear, fair, kind...

Repeat what is said, say amounts out loud, say the timing explicitly and then send a summary email, reviewing the details of what you both agree on...

Be prepared to give a little kindness. It costs you nothing to be nice with your words. That Does NOT mean you give access to bank accounts.

You can allow transfers in, but NOT out for example.

Ask if he shares your expectations.

Find common ground.

Revisit expectations at the beginning of every conversation, if it feels right. You will become skilled at speaking casually about very important things.

Say what you want.

You can not control others behaviors, but you can be clear about your own.

If you establish a guideline of being honest, transparent, fair and balanced, perhaps he will rise to that level with you.

Good luck! Smile... and always be kind. Please, thank you, and expressions of concern and interest in the other person go a long way and that kindness costs you nothing.

Be on top of EVERYTHING. Trust but verify.

Do NOT take your eye off the ball, ever! Watch the money...

Ask him to explain everything so a second grader could understand and don't be embarrassed to ever say you don't understand and you would like to know.

I going threw same problem ,iam using upmy resource on my mother.My sisterneverhadto do anything with my parent. she wasvery againstthem and now she wanttocome inmangethings. She barely visitmymother. She talk badabout ourparent. My other sister donotsee what is seein her. She isabout other peoplemoney . When brotherpass away she took his money forherself. She neverhelpwith himatall. She mess with hismind whilesick. Day oneourbeenthe provider.

I should clarify that I am not on my mother's account. Her debts and past mismanagement have made that decision easy. She is the only one on the account. I just know how to log on online. I've been doing the online bill paying for her medical insurances and medical bills that arise. Now he would like to log on online as well. He's an IT guy and could probably figure out how to do this without asking me.

If I wasn't DPOA, I wonder if this would be easier. I will most likely remain DPOA unless communication problems get really bad.

I make all of the medical decisions and my sister-in-law takes care of all of my Mothers money. What we try to do is give the jobs to the people who are the most capable. My sis-in-law is very conservative and keeps a close eye on what comes in and goes out. All of her bills are paid on line now because her dementia progressed to the point where she could not figure it out. Truthfully I want nothing at all to do with her finances as there are some family members (like in every family) who are waiting for her to die for their inheritances..of course they are the ones who never help, visit or give me any respite so they do not get to stay in the loop until they step up a bit. Best of wishes to you during this difficult time.

DO NOT give your BIL any control over money he is not LEGALLY allowed to have!!
Once you mix love, money, contol and power all into a bowl, the recipe is DISASTER. Remember that once the emotions of love, obligation, guilt, etc. are involved with money you are all in a brand new ball park.
Trust and Money are VERY difficult to combine. As many of you already know, I am going through HE** with my family right now. It is out of control. My mom is so sad and angry with her "boys" right now. (but I am the BAD PERSON in this whole mess) If I would just listen to my "big brothers", take their advice, this whole situation would take care of itself. Yeah. right.

Please to NOT give access to her bank account. Do not give him this for "just 6 months". It is absolutely amazing how 6 months turns into FOREVER. Once it is on paper, it is so UNBELIEVABLE how quickly things get out of control. You are at a point of no talking in person and no talking one the phone.... imagine what it will be like when there in NO CONTACT between you two and ONLY lawyers are getting paid to help you. Are you prepared to mortgage your home to get rid of this BIL? I KNOW he is a nice guy. I KNOW he helps your mother. I KNOW you need him.
With all this, please think of the future and how bad this can get.
You don't know me from Adam..... (or Eve).....;)
I have been there. Once control is given up, it is VERY difficult to get it back.
kathy

CMC, you not only want to know, you need to know. I can completely understand how uncomfortable you feel asking BIL how much money he's putting where his mouth is (!), but the fact is it's an entirely reasonable question.

It is, also, very nice of him objectively speaking. Just a bit toe-curling on a personal level, I'm sure.

What I'd do, I think, is put her predicted finances for, say, the next six months down on paper. Then you can see where the gaps are, and so can BIL, and he can tell you what he's prepared to contribute.

And once that's all sorted out you can pour yourself a stiff drink and sigh with relief. Concentrate on how glad you'll be once the conversation and/or information exchange is done and it'll be easier to make yourself do it.

And you don't give him access to her bank account - you would have no business doing so. It's still confidential, unless he's officially joint POA or anything. Information, yes. Authorization, no.