I moved in my father from North Carolina one year ago to Florida to live with me and my family. Before he left North Carolina he had already totaled his car. 11 days after he was here he and I went to the medical supplies store and I allowed him to drive my car in which he rear ended the same car six or seven times by pressing the break and the gas at the same time. He is convinced that he’s able to drive a car in an unfamiliar surroundings and he’s depressed and almost angry. He is Diagnosed with sundowners and has cognitive and physical impairments due to stroke. I am his primary caretaker I know for a fact that this man should not be behind the wheel. And one conversation that I had with him his response was people with no legs drive cars. So that right there told me that he is not thinking with a full deck so to speak. He has an impaired gait when he walks and uses a walker and mostly a wheelchair when we go out for errands etc..He Makes me feel like I am doing this on purpose to him. A man that can barely walk 20ft unassisted thinks he can drive a car. It’s almost like he’s mad at me that he doesn’t have a car but I wasn’t with him in North Carolina when he had two car accidents and then finally totaled the car. Out of that conversation I found him taking pictures off down the wall and had a little pile of his belongings together on the table and I said what is that for daddy? He says” I’m carrying that home with me”. So he was thinking of renting a U-Haul truck and rolling up at his old building in Raleigh North Carolina and they are just gonna let him in to a government assistant building as soon as he arrives there. So I had to explain to him that that is never going to happen from this point on and unfortunately this is where he is in his life right now. I also expressed to him how I’ve said that I was upset that he wanted to leave because I completely been over backwards for him. I take care of all of his needs from puréeing his food, his doctors appointments, all meals, shopping, phone calls, cutting his toenails, bathing him, every single thing that it takes to live in a daily life I do for him because I really want him to live his best life but he is making me feel that everything that I do is never good enough. I do all of these things with no thank you, good job daughter, or even a simple hug or I love you. Everyone warned me that I did not know what I was getting myself into when I decided to move my father and our home. We cleared out our master bedroom and he has the master bedroom and bath and a private outdoor entrance while my my husband and I are split up with my husband in the smallest bedroom of the house and me on the couch with my clothes hanging on a rack in the middle of the dining room. We’ve made great sacrifices for my father to live here and he seems he doesn’t appreciate anything. Instead he always talks about how terrible life is here and he wants to go back to North Carolina and doesn’t realize the sacrifices that we are making and how hard this is on us and the A+ caretaking treatment that he gets here. I’ve tried to explain to him to having a car comes along with responsibilities such as he could kill himself or kill others. He is not familiar with the area. He would have to pay for car insurance and repairs. What else can I tell him they will not I’ve said him so that he understands that her car is not any longer in his future? If he ever did obtain a car, which he can’t because he needs me to be the mouthpiece and do all the phone calls because he can’t do that himself, I would be the one carrying him to the car putting him in the car taking the repairs for the car I am not doing all of that I do enough already. It’s simply is not going to happen has anyone any advice on how to break it to him that he will never own or drive a car ever again? Believe me I wish that he was capable of having his own car. My husband and I are in our early 50s with kids. Busy
Also, rehabilitation facilities perform driver evaluations , it requires specialized training by an OT or Pt .
I am not familiar with what is available in your state .
kessler in NJ performs the driver evaluations .
wishing you the best of luck
Even when doctor and/or DMV, or anyone else states the facts to those with dementia, many will either forget or just disregard and do what they want. Same with drunk drivers who have been suspended or revoked - too often they will drive anyway and potentially maim or kill others and/or themselves.
We had no doctor support (NOT for lack of trying.) YB did the talking to mom (I was there, but said nothing.) He took the key. On the way out, I suggested he disable it as I was sure she had a second key, so he pulled the battery cable.
Day 1 after the "chat": she calls ME and demands I bring the key back, it's her car and so forth. I told her I didn't touch her key. So, just overnight she forgot YB talked to her and took the key.
Day 2 - nastier call demanding I get down there right now and fix whatever I did to her car. So, clearly she found that other key and tried to drive!
Multiple times after that and after we took the car itself away, she would whine and beg to get her car back, assuring me she "doesn't go far." I was well aware that her "circle of comfort" for driving was very small, but as I told her, if you go 2 feet and hit someone, they could take everything you've worked for. End of subject.
She whined a bit now and then about us taking her "wheels" away, but eventually that morphed into it being the worst thing SHE did was to give up her "wheels" (as if it was HER idea!!!) Over time even that stopped.
So, sometimes we're on our own. We have no support from docs, DMV, even the police (too often they say they can't do anything until after the fact - I'm not about to wait to let that happen!)
Some will argue that the car is their property and we have no right. Sorry, but when my mother has dementia, hearing loss, macular degeneration and is also over 90, I will take the consequences of potential legal action over her injuring or killing herself and/or someone else. Given the accidents she did already have, along with the dementia, I don't see the legal profession having a lot to stand on. But, either way it played out, I would still choose taking the car (BTW, a nice, big behemoth Grand Marquis, 8cyl. Talk about a tank!)
your roles have reversed now. You’re the parent he’s the child. You can fib a little here and there, maybe redirect him on some things but lots of times the answer will have to be NO.
He’s angry right now living with you. He’ll be angry if he lives in assisted living. He’ll be angry if he moves to his old place. No fixing this.
You are young, busy and have kids. Your dad will likely live for many years. You really up to this?
I went through all this stuff with both parents. Moving them to assisted living and ending the driving were the toughest issues. They were mad at me before, during and after . (Up in heaven now, still mad)
Look into Medicaid. Don’t use your money. Get POA if dad is competent enough. Start looking at assisted living places near you. Lay some track.
Warning: insurance most likely will not cover the cost (around $350). However, if denied an appeal may get the coverage needed.
I hope this will help with another avenue to deal with this troublesome issue so many of us have.
While it's easy to accept guilt and harder to let it roll off your back, anyone who is feeling guilty for whatever they feel they must do to keep everyone safe needs to work on rejecting the guilt. Guilt should only apply to those who have truly done something that deserves it!
On the flip side, if you give in to the guilt and let him drive, how much MORE guilt will you have to deal with if he injures or kills himself and/or others?
I was the catalyst behind talking mom's "wheels". I saw the need. Docs, etc were of NO help. I was able to enlist YB to help (he did the talking, he took the key, he disabled the car per my suggestion.) Of course I was the one to get ALL the flak, but I accepted NO GUILT, ZERO, NADA, ZILCH! It was a necessary move. You don't wait for someone to be at the edge of the cliff, about to fall, before you take action. Same situation. It was a matter of time before something awful would happen. So, why wait for someone else to step in or for the disaster to happen?
NO guilt.
I was out with my mom driving through her hometown and she said she wanted to buy a house down by the river. And I said that’s a nice idea and we chatted about how nice that would be. And that was the end of that.
Trying to explain isn't going to work for many reasons, primarily because in their mind they are fine. They will come up with all kinds of explanations and rationalizations, some of which can be very bizarre!
Arguing is even worse, as it builds tension in the relationship and will only lead to frustration and resentment, probably on both sides.
MammaDrama has given some good examples. Tailor them to your needs.
My mom is 97 and was a concert violinist. So I've committed to keeping that element alive by getting out the violin and playing it (badly) myself. Once these important things disappear, part of their spirit disappears.
You are a good person for feeling his pain. But you seem to wonder whether he should have a car or to drive. Let me be clear: do not let him drive. It's sad but based on multiple accidents and physical impairment his driving days are over. You know he will kill himself or someone else on the road.
But I think you are asking about other things mostly. You talk about his and your anguish, pain and sadness. You talk about the difficulty to talk about the matter. Those things are not easy.
I do recommend honesty. Tell him he's done driving. Tell him it hurts to tell him that. Tell him you love him.
Do look into elderly transport service. Don't know if you have such in your area or whether it's affected by covid. But some semi independent mobility might be enjoyable.
You seem to be getting to resentment for care. Not feeling appreciated. Remember that he cared for you when you were a baby. You didn't thank him for changing your diaper 1000 times or feeding you with a spoon. Don't expect thanks and you won't feel resentful. That is as easy ... and as hard as that sounds.
Do take care of yourself. I think you should reclaim the master bedroom. Giving it to him a wonderful gesture but maybe too much. Consider your husband. Consider your sex life.
Can you get some help? In home care for bathing, nails... Anything to remove at least some burden.
If you can find harmony under the same roof then good for you. If not consider an apartment for dad. My dad lived in IL/AL that both he and I liked.
You sound so stressed out. I feel for you. Take a break. Find some space. Rearrange space and routines to make them livable. Good luck. You are a good person.
Looking at the big picture here: Dad/Grandad moving in is working for HIM - but being honest - is it working for anyone else in the household?
If he is unable to arrange his own care, he will need someone to arrange it. This is often the adult children (whether POA, legal guardian or not). The adult child here has literally lost the bed she sleeps in to provide his care.
FlaSandwich, your needs & the needs of your DH & children are important too! IMO Dad needs care, but not at the expense of his decendants.
I do hope your Dad's medical team, your area of aging & other sources can offer real practical help.
Because, he will need a Florida license, and didn't he lose his NC license?
And you are not going to take him to get one, no need to announce it or inform him, incurring his wrath.
And buying a car, you are also not going to assist in any way, no need to tell him this.
No need to break it to him. It will slowly dawn on him, giving him time to accept it. When he cannot get a license. When he cannot buy a car on his own.
Take a break from stressing out, from being over responsible and overly accommodating. And it is not your job to "inform" him. Allow the DMV to do their job if and when it comes to that, so you won't be the bad guy and his jailer. Things are bad enough without borrowing trouble that is not here yet.
You’re not able to control his thoughts. No one can do that.
You sound very frustrated and the issue of driving is just a small portion of the situation. He can’t drive without owning a car. He won’t be driving your car.
Are you regretting that he moved in? You don’t have to continue this arrangement if it isn’t working out. Start touring facilities in your area in case you decide to place him in a place that has a staff to assist him.
Caregiving is a lot of work. Don’t feel badly if it’s too much for you to handle. Many people think that they can care for their parents and at some point discover it is too much for them to do on their own.
Just humor him. He may not even realize that the average new car is 20k at least. Does he have a license, if so get a doctor to say he cannot drive, or better have him report Dad to DMV. If Dr gives you a note, take it to the DMV and ask that his license be changed to an ID.
When a person has Dementia, and for all you have to do for Dad I would say he has a Dementia of some sort, they have lost the ability to appreciate and show empathy. They get self-centered. There life is whatever goes flitting thru their brain. TV and dreams become part of their reality. They hallucinate. My Mom always had a little girl with her that disappeared when I showed up. Mom eventually thought I was her mother.
Everything you have written about Dad is someone who has a Dementia. Your Dads brain is dying little by little. If you haven't done it, Dad needs a good physical. Labs and a neurological work up to determine what type of Dementia he has and what meds may help him with anxiety.
You have moved your Dad from his state to live with you in your home. For me, the car is the least of it for you with a very full plate of your own; but I DO understand your fear your Dad will injure himself or himself AND others. That has to be pretty terrifying.
I think I agree with every single word AnnReid said and I would only be repeating if I repeated it. I read your response as well, and understand the limited assets. I cannot help but think that all of this is progressing toward an unfortunate accident; that will at least lead, in all likelihood, to a formal diagnosis. It did for my brother. Then it will come down to what to do about that. The choices are either for Dad to be in your home, contributing to problems there in a worse and worse way, or to go into placement, which he may not do voluntarily.
You have such a lot on your plate. I would love to have some answers, but I just don't. I am so very sorry.
I believe you are dealing with a demented mind, so no, there will be no "thanks". In his mind he is moved from his home, there are folks telling him what to do with his life, and that will cause further resentment and acting out.
I hope there are others coming, wiser than I, who can help with some hints. I hope you will update us on your journey. You aren't alone in problems you have taken on, but you have more than the usual serving of them.
Tell him in order for him to be able to get the car he has to get the following things.
1) a Doctor's WRITTEN approval that he can drive.
2) he needs to PASS a medically approved drivers program.
3) he needs to pass the written test at the DMV
4) he needs to pass the driving test at the DMV
5) he needs to be able to pay for the car as well as the insurance and the maintenance of the vehicle.
Now that you have this plan I doubt seriously that he would get the Doctor's WRITTEN approval.
I doubt that he would pass one of the medically approved driver's programs.
I doubt he would pass the written or drivers test at the DMV.
Almost anyone can get a car now so that is not the problem but paying for insurance and the upkeep on the car might be a problem particularly if he has had the accidents that you mention.
You might want to look for Assisted Living Communities that can provide him with transportation when he needs it. Will provide him with activities and people that he can do things with.
Putting the issues with the car aside for just a moment, are you thinking of any alternative solutions for the way you and your family are living right now, or are you accepting your household arrangements as permanent?
You have described your dad as someone who is much more impaired globally than just from the effects of stroke damage.
He either can’t or won’t do typical self care activities, but either way, he isn’t caring for himself, and you are picking up the slack. If your whole family is onboard with this new arrangement, you may be able to continue it temporarily, while attempting to develop an alternative to being his sole caregiver.
In my own life, learning that someone you have loved and trusted since your birth is no longer able to be regarded as a self sufficient adult is THE HARDEST human experience that ever occurs in human interaction. From what you’ve written, it seems that you are at or approaching that place.
I want to be wrong by telling you this, but whether I am or not, please consider. He needs more help and a different environment than where he was before he came to you, or where he is now.
He is fortunate to have you as his loving ally.
The thing is it's not your fault he can no longer safely drive. The reason is the stroke. (Sadly, my Mother is still waiting for her stroke to 'go away' so she can walk again).
I suppose I would sympathize that giving up driving, something he loved, really sucks. As does old age & illness 🙁.
I think the real world consequences will keep him from actually driving - as you said, he couldn't buy a car without your help.
As for physically stopping him from driving your car - it will need to be always locked & keys kept in a secure place. Others on the forum have mentioned this specific issue - hopefully some will write in.
It's totally understandable he is upset. He has lost a lot. He will need to grieve.
I tell my Mother to blame getting old. I didn't do it to her & I sure can't fix it!
That being said, Florida is now his permanent residence. When does his North Carolina license expire? What are the requirements for him to obtain a Florida license? Could he potentially pass those tests? I'm not suggesting he NEEDS his license. Only that the testing process might rule out being licensed at all and you could get him a state ID while you are there. Maybe if an authority figure tells him he can't drive it might set in. Though even that is a slim chance. If he is like my FIL, COVID is the only reason he thinks we aren't letting him drive. He keeps saying, " when all of this is over I can't wait to go out again ", which just means we are going to have to fight the battle later. The bonus for us is that the longer he is home and without assistance to load his scooter on the lift, put his seatbelt on and a few other essentials, he really literally cannot even leave the house.
Are there obstacles, real or manufactured, that you can throw in his path. As in, don't help him obtain anything, don't clear any sort of path.
Is the way you are living sustainable? You are separated from your husband for the long term. Is him living with you permanently going to work for you?
Preferable before your DH quits.
Strokes very a lot. You may kindly say he is now a 'stroke survivor'.
But you could also bluntly call it post-stroke brain damage.
We call it 'brain changes' in my family.
Stroke damage may cause lack of insight, reduction in reasoning skills, comprehension, judgement & emotional swings. All sorts of things you cannot 'see' but you have described here.
To me it seems he now needs a driver - not just for the car. He may need a 'life' driver, to manage every area of his life, including financial matters.
Is there a stroke foundation to have a chat to, find out more about stroke?
I think adapting to your Dad & looking at what he can still do will be important. But driving car won't be one of them.