This is so exhausting, my 75 YO dad has cancer in the brain and lungs, he had surgery for the biggest tumors in the brain and was supposed to do radiation for the smaller ones, then Chemo for the lung, with still only a 50/50 chance. After the brain surgery he refused to do any real PT, and fought going to the treatments, went to half. Then said I'm done. I just want to go home, he went home on Hospice. Once he got home he still would not try to get up and walk at all, and hardly ate and it got to hard on my mother, we tried for 3 weeks. We moved him to a beautiful hospice house. Now every time me and my mother visit all he talks about is going home, why is he here, he can't stay here etc, etc...makes my mother feel terrible that she couldn't do it, she usually leaves crying. He's not so bad with others or my sister. He thinks we are the main reason for him staying or going home. We constantly tell him it's not safe for him at home, Mom can't do it. You are doing the same thing here you would be doing at home, laying in bed watching tv. He has a big family and get lots of visitors. But I dread visiting because it's never just a visit, it's us constantly trying to explain why he can't go home. He still thinks he's going to get up and walk out of the place at some point.
The sons usually tell my FIL that he needs to be able to get up and walk before he can go home. Then he says he "walked yesterday." Then they suggest he show them now, and he can't (hasn't walked in well over a year), so he gives it up--sometimes.
His wife tries to tell him he has to get better first. Sometimes that works; sometimes he just gets frustrated about it.
Love your dad while he still knows it; tell him you're sorry he's so sick.
Maybe even ask him if he realizes how bad your mom feels about not being able to care for him and ask him to let up on demanding too much of her. That wouldn't work for my FIL, because he's a selfish narcissist who doesn't care what pain he causes his wife, but if your dad can still understand this and does care, he might be able to show it.
This may not help at all. But I think I'd try it a few times and see how it goes.
My heart goes out to all of you. This is truly a very sad situation.
Has his doctors or the hospice folks given you any sort of timeline? I know the typical hospice qualifier is six months but your father disease may have a different agenda.
I only ask to perhaps generate some ideas to a fix that address short or longer term needs.
I do know that the path you fathers final days or weeks may be extremely difficult- cancer is such a monster.
Do know that intensive hospice care - vs the once or twice a week Home visits is the best choice for your fathers care.
When some one is placed in a nursing home loved ones are generally advised not to visit for several weeks to allow the patient to acclimatize themselves to staff, new surroundings and accept their new reality.
Try and get your mother to understand that none of this is her fault, she did not give him cancer, she did not refuse to let him have treatments. She may love him dearly and if she could she would make him better. Concentrate on supporting your mother and helping her understand it is the disease that is doing this.
On top of his his cancer is in the brain and if it started in his lungs and these are secondaries his time is very limited and he will gradually sink into a coma.
Above all do not blame Hospice if he needs strong pain and anxiety medications. He will need them make no mistake and even an unconscious patient can still feel pain.
When you visit try and distract him as much as possible. Tell him that if he gets better and will do the PT etc he could be considered fit to be discharged. Take things like the newspaper and magazines that may interest him. You can even argue politics and the state of the nation if that diverts him. if he likes music take his favorites in and play them softly while you are there. even try burning a candle. Lavender is a good choice because it is said to have a calming effect. Take him small amounts of his favorite foods.( I whisper this) but have the staff push his bed outside and let him smoke if he has been a smoker. At this point you can not make anything worse.
If there was a whole family of big sons at home I would say take him home, that's where he wnts to be. You are all doing the best you can so try not to get upset, none of this is your fault. It is bad enough knowing you are going to loose Dad soon but not being able to grant his wishes makes it even worse.
One last word, be prepared for his mental state to become much worse, cancer in the brain will do that.
I really don't know what to say to you. You don't have to visit your father. It is not the law. Do you want permission not to go? - or to visit less often?
Do you want somebody to suggest something that will change your father's behaviour, and make him able to accept being away from home? I'm not sure that would be achievable. But you and your mother can perhaps avoid engaging with him on the subject. Talk about something else. Say "we'll see how it goes" or "we'll talk about that later" and move on to asking him how he is doing today.
Your reasons for finding him a good hospice are very sound. Your mother has to live in her house now and in the future; and if caring for your father at home, after a fair trial, proved too much for her then that's that: there is no further justification needed. But actually, that means that you and your mother are the main reason for his being where he is. Still doesn't make it the wrong decision.
The thing is, I think whatever you say about any subject, this is still going to be a dreadful time for your father, your mother and for you. Does the hospice have any resident counsellors or ministers who could offer support?