Briefly, one month ago Dad recently moved Mom to an Alzheimer's Facility because in home care was too much of an intrusion despite heroic efforts by the Agency to maintain his own independence. Mom is still ambulatory, but very incontinent and very challenged to communicate verbally. She still knows all of us. She has always be a quiet compliant person but recently began to lose her "filter" re: Dad's constant criticism of her in her presence ("accidents", dribbling food, etc.) and would snap back at him. Mom's transition went well. She's asked to come home but doesn't push it. We feel that she's actually relieved not to be under Dad's constant control and judgement. After moving mom in, Dad got lonely and I think is feeling guilty (we pleaded with him to consider the likelihood of this). He has no friends and zero outside interests and refuses to try. Then he had a small stroke and spent a week in a rehab facility. He is leaving with almost a clean bill of health and few restrictions. He initially agreed to a few hours of professional in home help each day and I also offered to stay with him until he was comfortable. I wouldn't say dad is sharp as a tack mentally, but he's darned close. Mom has been asking where he is and not quite buying our explanation that he's not feeling well and will be back as soon as he's better. Mom's new Alzheimer's Home learned of his imminent release and asked if he'd like to move in for 30 days. He's thrilled because he gets to be with mom as he continues recuperating. He will not share a room with mom but spend most of the day with her, meaning she won't participate in as many planned activities (because he won't). She'll be seeing my Dad use a walker for the first time and will know that him living there means something is really wrong. It's a new facility and not even close to full. There are maybe a dozen residents and there is only one that Dad has anything positive to say about so he won't want to be around them. Mom spent a few days this week in the hospital due to a fainting incident with a brief convulsion and her overall strength and activity level has declined in the last month. My dad won't consider a respite stay anywhere else.
I'm wrestling with several things. I would value the benefit of your personal experience: 1) Do you think this will have a positive or negative effect on mom's "settling in" at her new home? 2) Do you think a second separation in 30 days could accelerate her decline? 3) The Director of another facility we considered for dad was shocked that an Alzheimers Facility would allow this, much less initiate it. Does this seem responsible? They haven't been too receptive to us trying to fill them in on dad's behavior toward mom.
It's nice to have some objective opinions on this. My siblings are divided on whether this is a good idea. I'd like to get comfortable with it and feel I need to advocate for mom who doesn't have a vote.
His dementia had been getting better as time passed. I didn't know if he understood or not.
I headed for the door and looked back and she was starting to get up to follow me and he put his hand on her arm and stopped her. She sat back down, moved her chair closer to him and leaned against him. It was the sweetest moment I had ever witnessed between them.
When we brought them to Texas all of their siblings made it clear that they strongly felt the IL's should not room together. MIL had been living on her own, FIL had been in a SNF for a year. Her family felt MIL needed space away from an overbearing-LOUD- husband. His family felt that MIL "gets FIL too upset". Both had dementia.
In accordance with their siblings' wishes, we arranged for them to be in different rooms on the same hall.
MIL arrived first with us, FIL a week later in an RV with a nurse and two drivers. The first night MIL left her room and slept in the empty bed in FIL's room. The staff removed the bed for night 2. MIL left her room again and slept with FIL in a bed made for one person.
They hadn't shared a bedroom in 10 years. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, lots of married older people enjoy 2 master bedrooms)
Day 3 the facility moved another bed into FIL's room. The conclusion we all came to is that married people have a right to be together- whether its a good idea or not.
How did it work out? Like their usual marriage, loud days and okay days. Verbal battles and surprisingly enough, they also resumed their sex life. Some of the staff felt he was "bringing her down" others felt they were sweet even when they fought and she would park herself by the front door and announce to everyone that she was leaving him. Some of their marital antics were pretty funny for the staff.
Maybe he'll go stir crazy after a week or two living in a Memory Care Unit and decide to leave despite the $ and another round of adjustment for Mom. Maybe others will comment that their parents have done this successfully despite their worst fears and it's all worked out.
Most likely negative. She'll be back to being criticized constantly. How can that be positive?
2) Do you think a second separation in 30 days could accelerate her decline?
Do you mean when your dad has to leave in 30 days? Change is very difficult on those with dementia. First she had to change from living at home to living in a care center. Then she'd have to adjust to having Dad around all the time again. Then she'll need to adjust to not having around all the time.
Sure, every new adjustment is going to be tough, and could accelerate her decline.
3) The Director of another facility we considered for dad was shocked that an Alzheimers Facility would allow this, much less initiate it. Does this seem responsible?
This sounds extremely suspect to me.
Who is paying for your parents' stay? Are they paying out of their own funds? Is Dad going to be charged the dementia-care rate? He would be there in a rehab capacity. Is the facility qualified to offer rehab?
Could you discuss this with your mother's doctor? Presumably he or she would be receptive to listening to your concerns.
The other place you were considering for Dad's rehab period -- would it be suitable for him? Could they arrange transportation for him to visit Mom an hour or so a day?
It would definitely be good for the new memory care facility to get income for an empty room for a month.
It might be good for your father to be able to boss his wife around again for a while.
It would probably be bad for your mother, for the concerns listed above.
It would probably not be pleasant for the other residents to have someone around all the time clearly disdainful of their condition.