My 98 year old father had a stroke (mild) and was in hospital and rehab for over a month. Prior to that, He was living alone with daily (sometimes twice a day) visits from me. I cooked, cleaned and he was quite happy with this arrangement. Again, being 98 years old he needs help showering, cooking, cleaning and is quite unsteady on his feet. This is now become more than I can take on. I promised him I would never put him in a nursing home and opted for 24/7 care . He is soooo angry at me because his money is being spent down and then Title 19 will kick in. He has always been stubborn and no exaggeration the cheapest man alive (oh the stories I could tell) but I don’t see any other option. I told him I don’t want his money and I want him to enjoy a life and use the money for his care, but he refuses to see it that way. The caregiver told me he slams doors, refuses to take a shower and separates his food from her food! I still visit daily to check in and say hello and ask if he wants to take a ride, go for a bite to eat, but he refuses to talk to me other than yes or no answers. He’s trying so hard to prove he can still live alone and I feel badly, but finding him unconscious on the floor after his stroke was horrible and I can’t and won’t take the chance of that happening again.
Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?
I get daily reports from the caregiver and they are not positive. Friends tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty for my choices, but it’s difficult having him be so angry at me especially since I don’t know how many years he has left.
These parents who never have an ounce of "guilt" for the way they mistreat their children who are doing everything for them...and yet, the children are somehow left with their own guilt for not doing enough - or not doing the impossible expectations set upon them by a parent. It's enough already, don't you think?
I think you need to get beyond his "being angry at you" ...he's so lucky he has you and really, if he's provoking you and the caregiver and remaining difficult, I personally think you need to toughen up to him - he's walking all over you - and maybe he needs to realize that he either becomes appreciative and easy to be with, or he doesn't really have to live in his house.
Something tells me that he never had to take care of a parent.
They often take it out on the caregiver . It’s unexpected ( because you are helping them ) that’s why it hurts .
Focus on getting him the help he needs while also taking care of yourself and getting your own life back as much as possible . That’s all we can do . Harder than it’s sounds I know .
You have plenty of very good answers here, I just wanted to share what I've learnt with my Dad.
He died last year, clinging to his money & possessions.
He hadn't talked to me for two years prior because I'd had his Driver's licence revoked (he was blind in one eye & had 40% vision in the other & still insisted on driving).
He wouldn't pay for home care, wouldn't dream of a nursing home, so he rang me three months before he died, to "be friends" again and I cared for him whilst my Mother had her knee replaced.
I refused to move in, I dropped in for 3-4 hours every day (which meant I stopped working).
He was sometimes grateful and often rude & angry.
As people age, often unhappy people (but not always) they become very selfish because they're afraid.
Your Dad is not facing the fact that he can't cope on his own anymore & you and the carer are taking the brunt of his anger.
I realise now, nearly a year after my father's passing, that he was very afraid, and angry. No matter what I did, he couldn't appreciated it.
My advice to you, put him in his place. Nice & firmly - if the carer leaves, you'll PUT him in a home.
Let him give you the silent treatment. It's a relief from the whinging.
Take care of yourself.
Continue to go like you do. Chat. If no responses, be cheery and say something like, I wish you felt more like talking today. Maybe tomorrow. I'll be back tomorrow.
Give him some time to get used to having someone in his business all day long. It's really hard to have someone around you all the time when you were used to hours of total quiet time. Give him time.
I was raised to be a good little girl and obey all of my parents wishes. As everyone knows, this isn’t always easy.
It’s pretty easy to hang onto our parents every word when we are young, but as adolescents, teens and adults we want our independence. That is our normal development in life.
We are programmed by our parents, starting from very young, as to how to think, feel and act. When we don’t live up to expectations, we know that there will be consequences.
Some of us become big time people pleasers because we don’t wish to upset our family members. Others, not so much, and they aren’t bothered by what their family members think. Their parents opinions don’t dictate what they do.
I was in the category of don’t rock the boat, keep the peace and all that jazz until I nearly lost my mind and ended up in therapy.
When I said to my therapist that mom wouldn’t like this or that and would get mad, his response was, “So what! You can’t allow your mother to dictate your life. You have to let go of feeling badly about upsetting your mother.”
His words took awhile to sink in. I needed to process these new perspectives. I had to reprogram my thoughts and emotions. I was extremely fortunate to have a great therapist who helped me to see things in a new light.
Step by step, you can change a lifetime of habits or ways of thinking and so on. Act according to what you want to accomplish and your dad will have no choice but to adapt. It won’t be easy sailing at first. Stick with your plans.
My husband’s grandfather on his dad’s side was stubborn. He refused entering a facility. My FIL hired full time caregivers. Grandpa told his caregivers that they were fired every single day.
My FIL told the housekeeper and the caregivers to ignore him firing them and to continue working. Eventually, he accepted that they were there to help him.
Look at it this way. If he is going to be angry at you. Let it be about what is right. You wouldn’t want to supply subpar quality of care and have him get angry if he suffers from lack of care.
Wishing you peace as you continue on in your caregiving journey.
My mother's neighbor was actually the cheapest man around, offering up a whole dollar ($1) tip at a restaurant.
Some elderly people aren’t just frugal, they have absolutely no logic whatsoever.
Your mom’s neighbor sounds like my husband’s grandmother. She would ask me to take her to buy a watch at her favorite jewelry store. She wouldn’t bat an eye about dropping $10,000 on a diamond watch to wear, then she would ask me to take her to Burger King for lunch and she would ask the cashier if she could get a senior discount! LOL 😆
Once she told her housekeeper that she was going to give her a $1.00 more. Naturally, the woman thought she meant a dollar an hour more. She was actually going to give the woman one dollar extra for that day! We told her that she needed to pay the woman a dollar an hour more because only giving her one extra dollar was insulting to her.
Oh, when we took her out to eat for dinner she would take all of the bread, sugar packets, crackers, etc. off of the table and stuff in her purse to bring home to her huge uptown home that was filled with food.
I would pay the tip at lunch because she didn’t think she should have to tip! She didn’t ever offer to pay for my lunch when I would take her all over creation to shop!
I only helped her out because my sweet mother in law was going through cancer treatments and could no longer assist her mother.
Also, you should not call your father cheap.
Anger can be one of the consequences of having a stroke at age 98. Your Dad is recognizing he may have limited time left and is angry that he can no longer do the things he used to do.
Even though he's limiting his answers to "yes and no", you may want to take some time to just sit down with him alone (without the caregiver there) and calmly talk to him about what's REALLY bothering him. Elderly people like to ruminate about perceived uncertainties (i.e. losing all their money, dying penniless) and actual certainties (dying, loneliness, their spouse, friends and siblings are gone, what's going to happen to my house, my "stuff", why can't I do things like I used to, etc). Even if he won't talk, you can sit and just calmly talk to him. Sit down with a cup of coffee, tea, etc. Generally, when you have been getting yes and no answers, were you also talking and doing things simultaneously, like cleaning, cooking, etc? Sometimes, just visiting and sitting down for a talk can get him to open up. It may take a few times but I'm sure he's worried, angry, lonely, frightened, tired, etc. Talking to him about what he's feeling will help him (and you) tremendously and get to the bottom of his fear and anger. It's hard but worth it.
Or, when you talk to him and he answers your questions with yes or no say something like, “okay. I can tell you’re still angry at me. Please give me a call when you are done being angry with me. It’s not pleasant to speak to you when you’re in such a foul mood. I don’t want to make you angry so I won’t call until you are done.”
He’s being a brat.
In my youth (50s) the female relatives in my middle class family did not work. They didn't have to. Husbands brought home enough on their salaries alone to support a family. Kids went to school in the neighborhood. One car sufficed. The women often spent their time caregiving to elders, and elders often passed in their 60s and 70s. My grandfather went of CHF at 65.
People did not live as long. Caregiving was often done in the home. Now, in most middle class household, both parents work.
What does Dad really want? Is the money being spent on care the big issue for him? Which is more important, health & safety or money? What good is the money if he doesn't use it for his care? Or maybe he's mad because he feels the decision was made FOR him instead of WITH him?
I definitely agree he should be evaluated. Strokes often cause depression or other issues. Also I would try to discuss what he really wants. But this needs to be within realistic limits. He needs to understand that his care may be beyond what you are able to do. You have a life too. As long as his mind is healthy, he should be able to choose how he lives but he cannot choose how YOU live.
It sounds like you need a heart to heart, to look at realistic options for both of you, keeping in mind that his physical abilities will only decline at this point. Best of luck to you.
Anyhow, "M"s son decided it was time for "M" to go into a facility "because he was falling", and ostensibly him being in a home would keep that from happening....yeah, right....
Result was that "M" went downhill fast (mentally and physically) and passed within 2 months, as he refused to leave his room to interact with anyone. He just gave up. All his meals had to be brought to his room.....and he fell much more than before. All the joy had gone from his life.
Some might say at 99 "M" needed to be there, but my dad (86, and divorced from my mom for 50+ years) had dementia....and believe me "M" did NOT. He was no where near the stage (mentally) where he needed to be in a care facility if he didn't want to be in one. He was getting a little forgetful....at 99 that's to be expected....but he did NOT have dementia. He could have had someone come in to check on him several times a day in addition to my mom (yeah, she was 86, but is still doing great)...my mom and "M" were keeping each other company and active....she often took him to lunch, or over to her house when she went every day for a couple of hours to check her mail, etc (when he wanted to go with her, of course). He was taking showers at my mom's house, as I had her tub removed, and a walk in shower with several grab bars installed. He was even using the rowing machine I bought for my mom, up to 45 minutes at a time. Slow and steady of course, not fast and furious, but still amazing at his age!
I'm still sad that he was badgered into a care home by his son. I really feel he'd still be alive now if his son hadn't done that, as "M" gave up at that point.
Don't misunderstand, I think there are definitely times when a care facility is the only option...and if he had lived alone with no one to look in on him, had serious health or mobility issues, &/or had dementia, I would have felt it was warranted...but with someone there around 20 hours a day (my mom would go check on her house for 2-4 hours in the afternoon) and taking him on outings and making sure he ate, and showered, I just felt it was horrible.
Each person, and situation, is different. Don't feel guilty if you are doing what you can, and feel he is being cared for. You can't give up your future for his present.
From what you said, you have it nailed...he either should have someone there much of the day, or if he chases everyone off, likely needs to be in a care facility to make sure he isn't alone where he could fall and no one know for days, and he'd have help with food, showering, etc.
Best wishes and it will all work out! Hang in there.