My 98 year old father had a stroke (mild) and was in hospital and rehab for over a month. Prior to that, He was living alone with daily (sometimes twice a day) visits from me. I cooked, cleaned and he was quite happy with this arrangement. Again, being 98 years old he needs help showering, cooking, cleaning and is quite unsteady on his feet. This is now become more than I can take on. I promised him I would never put him in a nursing home and opted for 24/7 care . He is soooo angry at me because his money is being spent down and then Title 19 will kick in. He has always been stubborn and no exaggeration the cheapest man alive (oh the stories I could tell) but I don’t see any other option. I told him I don’t want his money and I want him to enjoy a life and use the money for his care, but he refuses to see it that way. The caregiver told me he slams doors, refuses to take a shower and separates his food from her food! I still visit daily to check in and say hello and ask if he wants to take a ride, go for a bite to eat, but he refuses to talk to me other than yes or no answers. He’s trying so hard to prove he can still live alone and I feel badly, but finding him unconscious on the floor after his stroke was horrible and I can’t and won’t take the chance of that happening again.
Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation?
I get daily reports from the caregiver and they are not positive. Friends tell me I shouldn’t feel guilty for my choices, but it’s difficult having him be so angry at me especially since I don’t know how many years he has left.
Also many of us here wish we never heard the statement of promising to keep out of a SNF
Your local Agency for Aging can help with placement , or if he ends up in the hospital ask to speak to a social worker about placement in a nursing home if he has no caregivers willing to work for him . Don’t let the social worker tell you that you have to take him home. You tell the social worker that it’s an unsafe discharge , there is no one to care for him .
You COULD say she's being responsible by doing that (especially with all the stuff we keep hearing about social workers telling "kids" that they can be criminally prosecuted for not caring for their parents, which I think is hogwash) but if dad doesn't want a live in, then one could say "whatever you wish, sir" and let him figure it out for himself.
I just don't think THAT's going to make him any less angry.
I had a social worker in CA tell me that by law I had to move back home to care for my father, or move him to me. I told her to go back to social worker school because she clearly doesn’t know her job.
Nice that dad wants his elderly child to do everything for him with no consideration about your physical limitations or health issues. The epitome of selfish.
His money will stretch further in a facility which us where he will wind up once the money for 24/7 caregivers runs out.
“Furthermore, I promise upon all that matters, like clean water and a healthy planet and shoes that fit, I faithfully promise that I’ll continue to wipe your bottom, clean up your dog’s poop, pretend I don’t mind if you vomit all over me ten times a day and can’t understand anything I say, such as I am exhausted and can’t put new batteries in the remote or haul you for a mammogram tomorrow when you no longer get mammograms because you’ve aged out. Yep (mom, dad or other), I will be your caregiver for the next 20 years until you’re 100 years old, sacrificing every pleasure I ever had in life and the right to sleep at night without your pitifully calling out for your parents, who have been dead for 40 years, and begging me to let you go home.
“And dang it, I love feeling guilty! It goes with the territory along with crying quietly in the shower if I get to take one, which sometimes I don’t because your demands are such that I have no time to myself. If only I could go to a nursing home with 24/7 care where I could rest. Because what if I mattered? What if I hadn’t made that promise? What if I had a hope of outliving you, since at the rate we’re going, I’ll join the 30% of caregivers who drop dead before the ones they’re caring for?”
The Promise. It’s not a Hallmark movie. And no one should ever make it.
I’m saving it.
Vent all you want. You just take what you want out of the responses and ignore the rest.
What I think was meant by that phrase was that your Dad is 98 and had a stroke. Not only because of his age but too because of his stroke, the is probably decline in his cognitivity . This makes it hard to reason with Dad. He gets angry with you because your the one that is there. What you may want to try and get across to him is that since he is 98 you are a Senior too. And as such, you just don't have the energy it takes to keep up two households. He needs help and you are not paying for it since he has the money. Its either he pays someone and allows them to help him or he needs to go to an Assisted living. You need to say this sitting down in front of him looking him right in the eye and be firm. Its his decision.
I have never heard Medicaid called Title 19. Learned something new today. 😊
https://regs.health.ny.gov/content/section-441199-medicaid-title-xix
He's safe, cared for and you don't even need to be in the picture if you don't want to.
With my mom, when she got 'in a mood' which happened now and then, I would simply say "I'm leaving and will come back when you are in better spirits". That always settled her down.
But I had the option of walking away for months and months, if I felt like it.
At 98, every day is a 'gift' so to speak. He doesn't HAVE years. It will feel like it, but when he's gone, you'll be surprised at the emotions that will bubble up.
You are doing and have done the best you can. Don't engage with him in 'fights'...and his CG can handle him as best she can--she can always quit, right? So she's probably used to this dynamic in elderly patients. (I'm using 'her' with the assumption that his CG is a woman. You don't say, so I am making a leap here).
Also, not being related to the stinker at hand makes it a lot easier to cope.
You have done NOTHING over which you should feel guilt!! Pre-grief is probably more like it. You won't likely be able to 'mend' your relationship with your dad. That makes us sad and we feel that way until we work through that grief.
Or let him have his way. He may die sooner but happy.
Is he willing to compromise and meet you halfway? Instead of 24/7, maybe just a few hours check in each day?
Has your dad been evaluated for depression?
Strokes often cause cognitive changes and mood swings. Getting him seen by a geriatric psychiatrist would be your next positive step.
At 98, he likely doesn't have "many years left" and you have no reason to feel guilt over anything. Most people don't get to live 98 years of life to begin with, so dad's way ahead of this game, still alive and living at home. He should count his blessings and you should stop visiting so often if all you get to see and hear is blustering!
This can't be a serious post.
If your Dad is 98, you OP are 60, 70? Let's say you're 70.
At 70, it never occurred to you, that even though someone at 98 is "trying so hard to prove he can still live alone", they might not be making wise decisions, and therefore you're the one taking wise decisions by hiring care? It never occurred to you that if he's refusing to shower, maybe his mind isn't 100% OK?