My father had a kidney stone two months ago and had a procedure to have it removed. After the procedure, he's been told over and over by everyone that he needs to drink fluids, but he refuses. He has been sent back to the hospital several times for dehydration. I am at a loss at what to do. I can't make him drink fluids, and he just lies in bed all day, and won't even take a shower. He is already on medication for depression. My siblings and I are just so tired of trying to get him to do the things he needs to do to take care of himself. I feel so guilty, because I want to give up on him. We use so much energy trying to talk to him and get him to do things, and he won't do anything for himself. All three of us have "caregiver burnout."
Another possibility with the fluids is that he is coughing and choking or having a hard time swallowing. so he just avoids the problem, and that can be evaluated medically and all options considered.
As hard as this is, you may realize the problem is you are hitting your head on a wall that is not going to budge and a totally different approach is going to be needed not because dad is just acting bad but because he needs a lot more help. Sorry you are facing this, it is hard, and it is sad, but dad needs others to take over the things he can't do.
Soiling oneself and not taking care of it kind of crosses the line as far as crisis point. Surely he took care of that himself in the past and did not depend on his late wife for it...
Is he a widower? If so, for how long?
I think your fluctuating feelings about this are normal and to be expected. Keep reminding yourself that this is not your fault, you are doing the best you can to deal with it, and try to give up the guilt.
Does Mom like fruit? That is a good way to get additional fluid -- watermelon, peaches, grapes, oranges, pineapple, just about any fruit will help with hydration, fresh frozen, or canned. Does she like milk-shakes/smoothies? Could she use the extra calories/nutrition from these items? Does the ALF serve soup often? Does she eat that?
She doesn't need to get all her fluid by drinking water. In fact, if she is drinking 4 cups of water a day, that is about 3.5 cups more than my mother gets! My mom drinks coffee, tea, eats soups, loves fruit, and generally gets much of her fluid from food.
If your mother is showing symptoms you've associated with dehydration in the past, perhaps having her checked by the ALF's nurse would be a good idea. Maybe those symptoms are about dehydration, and maybe something else is going on.
Good luck! Come back and let us know how this works out!
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