Dad energy level has been getting less and less he has no energy to shave shower or take care of his every day needs. I am his Rep. Payee I have tried to talk with his doctor but he refuses to talk to me at all... and if I ask to go in with dad to his appointments he refuses so I have no chance at all to talk with him.... When dad does go to the doctor he presents himself well showers shaves but then when all is done he goes back to his doing nothing... I would like to see him be put in a Vet's Home where he can get the care he needs.... Can I as a son do anything legally for him? He has a Daughter from a previous marriage that would be willing to help as well... I notice of late he wheezes when he breathes he smokes heavy (told the doctor he quit) I would like to see him get some help.... I know if he finds out I would do this he would never speak to me again so I would need to be discreet about it ..... Please Help before its to late!!
Patients often hide facts from their doctors, which makes diagnosis and treatment harder.
If you sent an unidentified letter, the doctor would either be suspicious or might even think it's a crank letter.
If you could get a health care proxy for your father, it would help, as would a Durable Power of Attorney, but from your description it sounds as if your father wouldn't grant these powers to anyone. And that's unfortunate, because based on your description, he may need someone to step in sooner rather than later and make decisions for him.
Good luck with the doctor.
It might be that it will take a major catastrophe before he'll accept help, or he may never accept the help he's been rejecting.
There's also a possibility that his almost self imposed isolation, and most likely poor eating habits, have contributed to his current mental attitude. When someone is ill in the first place, poor nutrition has a major impact. I speak from experience when I write that it doesn't take much to lose stamina, will power and positive attitude.
One thing you could try is to get Meals on Wheels for him, but approach it in such a way that he doesn't feel insulted or resentful. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how to do that. I tried for months to get my father to agree and he wouldn't, but then an aggressive home care nurse told him he was going to have it - no ifs, ands or buts about it. Now he's really pleased.
And that may be an option. If you can't talk to his doctor, send a letter expressing your concerns and ask for home care. That might be a workable option and it doesn't violate HIPAA confidentiality.
I suspect that he doesn't want you to know the full story because he doesn't want you to know how vulnerable and weak he is. If there's a way you can turn your approach to one that reflects your needs more than his, it might work. Apppeal to the father still left in him to help you by letting you help him.
The flirting and possibly pretended interest in young women may help him think he's "still got what it takes" and is still attractive to women...countering the fact that he's declining in health.
If he can clean up on his own for doctor appointments it suggests he knows he needs to be presentable, and can do it, but chooses not to when he's at home.
I think you're between the proverbial rock and a hard place. But I think your father is going to resist all your efforts unless you can find some way to approach him that doesn't make him feel vulnerable and needy. And I don't know how to do that. I've battled with that issue myself.