My 82 year old dad was recently diagnosed with dementia. He was in the hospital for 8 days and then transferred to a very nice memory care facility. He calls me every few days and asks to come home. He says it’s a “nuthouse” there and everyone is crazy. He sounds so rational when he calls. He also sounds like a child and it makes me feel so incredibly sad and guilty. Prior to going to the hospital, my once very clean and well dressed dad stopped showering and changing his clothes. He was eating cold beans and chili out of a can. His refrigerator was full of rotten food. He left his propane on and almost killed himself. Luckily, I stopped by and shut it off. He was so messed up he just stood in his kitchen in his underwear unable to say multi syllabic words. When he finally went to the hospital he was hallucinating, but still sounded reasonable.
I know he’s safer, healthier, cleaner, and better off, but when I hear him beg to come home I don’t know what to say. I can’t go see him because of COVID restrictions. He can’t live with us because of his dementia. Anyway, what do I say to him? What can I tell him to reassure him he’s in the best place?
I used to tease my bro. He was in better mental shape than many at the assisted living. He would complain and tell me of incidents and we finally decided he was in a 60s commune for the aged. Always an issue, always a community meeting, always a bicker with sides taken, and etc. He formed friendships. He made his way through it and said "It's like when I was younger and in the Army. I didn't like it, but I was determined to make the best of it". And he did.
You will have to come to some gentle acceptance for yourself first. Then tell Dad that you are so sorry, but he cannot come home, that this is home now for him, and you will visit when you can, and you hope it will get better for him.
There is no answer to the end of life when things are taken from us one at a time, our balance, our abilities, eventually even our minds. It is sad and you have a right to feel sad. But you didn't do anything to anyone, so guilt is out of the question. Not an option.
So sorry for the hurt for all.
I'd also consider that sometimes people who have dementia say that they want to go home, EVEN IF THEY ARE IN THEIR home. So, bringing him into your home may not change that. He may still be very restless and think you and your family are crazy people. lol Delusions are common.
I'd try to come up with some things to say to him that may appease him. With my LO, she grew comfortable rather quickly and thought of her place as her own apartment. She liked it a lot. But, before then, when she talked about home, I'd say that I had to discuss her progress with the doctors, had to get insurance forms completed, filed, processed, you know paperwork, but, all would be handled in time. Just hang in there and enjoy the good food and service. Of course, she would forget, so, I'd have to repeat it. I'd keep in mind that often the person with dementia is not being persistent when they ask questions, but, they have forgotten that they already asked it a dozen times.
I'm not sure what type of activities they have due to covid at his MC, but, later on, if covid is resolved, he will likely have more in the MC to distract and entertain him.
When he calls tell him..
"Dad we have to wait for the Doctor to tell us you can go home"
or
"One of the medications you are on has to be given by a Nurse and they have to make sure you are OK after you take it"
or
"They are working on your house to make it safe for you when you come home, it might take a little while"
What he really want when he says he wants to go home is..he wants to know he is safe. Tell him.."Dad you are safe where you are, we want to keep you safe because we love you"
Just keep telling him you love him, he is safe.
My mother use to say the same thing about the other memory care residents and when the male nurse heard mom say that to us he said, "Oh, she thinks that and she fired me twice already today!" 😁 She thought she worked there and was his boss.
And a few days later she had organized a group of the residents and they were going to throw the large dining table out the huge floor to ceiling window so they could break out of there. That window looked out to the beautiful enclosed garden area that had 2 doors, that were unlocked at all times so they could walk out at anytime to enjoy the garden area. Did Mom think she was thinking right and the others weren't? Yes she did think that.
There are just something's the brain can still handle but others not, on a downward decline.
You just have to know you made the right decision, even though it hurts. He is safe now and hopefully will adjust.
Keep letting him know how much you love him. And how nice he looks so neat and clean, to have meals cooked for him, etc.
Playing calming music or happy music is also nice. A lap pet (robotic) for seniors is wonderful. My husband, in mid stage Alzheimers) loves his furry robotic dog. It's his buddy! Hopefully the home would allow that.
Mom liked it when we took a big cake and ice cream for everyone, so it was a party she was giving. All approved in advance. Don't know with the virus if that can be done now.
When she gets delusional and starts asking about when I'm coming to pick her up, I remind her that she has entirely too many health issues for me to be caring for her at home. I'm simply not qualified, mother. Just her wheelchair alone prohibits me from taking her here to visit, never mind to live.
You can also let your father know that it's 'doctor's orders' that he live where he's at, and that you will speak to his doctor the next time he has a scheduled appointment. But until he gives the okay, dad has to stay where he's safe and cared for properly.
I know it's not 'fun' to hear the complaining and asking to come home, it's really not. In fact, it makes me not want to speak to my mother even more so than usual. But as far as 'guilt' goes, try not to take on that useless and self-inflicted emotion which serves no purpose. Our folks are in a place where they're attended to 24/7 by a caring team of individuals. They're fed, entertained, and catered to, which is more than most folks enjoy in their old age. It's more than I will get to enjoy in my own old age because I won't have the funds to afford an ALF.
Keep reminding Dad he's safe and cared for, that you love him, and will see him as soon as the covid restrictions ease up in his ALF.
Best of luck!
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