He has a caretaker 4 hours a day 7 days a week. The company has told him that once he becomes bedridden he will need a live in caretaker that he will have to pay for or he can go to a facility paid by his insurance that can take care of him.
My dad does not want either, he just wants to die in the apt. and not pay for a live in caretaker.
Not sure what to do.
Seems like he is quick to tell you what he does not want, but how does he operationalize how he "dies in his apartment" while not being able to manage on his own. People with dementia lose their "theory of self" so they only look at things from their point of view and no longer consider what they are putting families thru. So in his case, he may not have a useful plan as to how he is going to remain in that apartment. He may just think you will take care of him or he might have no plan at all.
She would have done the same for me, had our situation been reversed. (And of course, she did take very wonderful care of me when I was small).
No one can easily do this -of course there was sacrifice and sorrow over her declining health. To me, following Mom’s wishes was completely worth every sacrifice.
I’ll never regret the decision I made, and I treasure the extra time we had together. The time passed far too quickly.
I was surprised that I overheard a lot of unsupportive comments. Nearby relatives (ten minutes away) chose to not even visit.
I would do it all, a thousand times again.
Encouraging a facility is not being "unsupportive" in the least.
Not everyone has the ideal parent/child bond and not everyone can stay home to be a caretaker. As others have said, no one is happy to go, or send a relative to, a facility. Doubt anyone on here had a parent who said "I can't wait to go to a nursing home when I'm old!".
There's tons of posts on here from people who still love their LO dearly, but are about dead themselves from caretaking. They're beyond burnout, and others tell them it's time for a NH. Which 99% of the time is answered with "Oh, no I can't do that. I promised mom/dad I'd never put them in a home."
My grandmother-in-law (GMIL) had dementia. Her daughter (MIL) moved GMIL in with her. At the time GMIL was just a bit confused and had poor eyesight. MIL was single, no other financial support, and had to keep working full time. This went well for awhile, until GMIL fell off the deck step in the backyard while MIL was at work. MIL knew then that GMIL needed more help and supervision and put her in a very nice AL, until dementia progressed to needing NH. She has since passed away.
MIL still feels bad about having to do what she did, and I don't blame her. We all second-guess. Ultimately though, it was hurting GMIL to keep her home. She was isolated in the house and bored/lonely during the day. In AL she was around other people, had activities, and was happy.
Point is, sometimes a place where there's 24/7 care and supervision is a more loving way than caring for an LO at home. Nor is it selfishness or lack of love from people who have to make that choice.
The question is really always “Where can my dependent LO be made most comfortable, safest, and least likely to suffer?”
The issue of financial cost is not really a legitimate concern in this decision making. He will be obliged to pay for full time round the clock care OR to enter a facility.
If he is lucid, he must be asked to choose one or the other, with the only other possibility being that you choose for him.
If he is is no longer lucid, the decision making goes to those who have been caring for him.
If I were you, I think I'd give the company a ring and discuss the issue with them. Maybe some kind of compromise is achievable - night times only, on call only but backed up by an alarm, something. What's your father's main objection to the 24/7 live in - cost alone, intrusion on his privacy?
If your father is mentally competent, by the way, nobody can force him to accept care whether at home or in a facility. You can only do your best as far as he'll let you. But the same probably applies to the company, which is why I'd query their warning (let's not call it a threat).