My dad has fallen and broken both hips in the last 2 years and my mom has had Parkinson's disease for last 15 years. My brother and I finally got mom in a nursing home. Dad is still at home, but lost his driver's license 3 months ago. His memory is getting worse, borderline dementia, but refuses to accept any help. He is still at home and takes senior citizen bus to visit mom. On almost a daily basis, he calls the police station or goes down to DMV to try to get license back. He's taken all the tests & failed, they've told him no, my brother and I have said no, but he won't drop it. I understand losing his memory is not under his control, but he's starting to get nasty to everyone. We've cried, yelled and pleaded and nothing works. He refuses to move into the nursing home with mom. I cry every day, can't sleep and can't concentrate on work. It's sad to say, but I can't see living like this the next couple of years. What can I do?
When an elder can do so safely, I complete support them living where they want to live, but your dad is showing signs of dementia. Try a neurologist first if you haven't. Maybe there will be some help in that direction. Some older people will listen to a doctor when they won't listen to anyone else. Write the neurologist a letter ahead of time with the details you've given us (and more). Then go to the appointment with your dad.
If he won’t cooperate, hard as it is, you may have to force the issue through adult protective services. As was mentioned, if you must guardianship may be the answer, but that is slow and can be expensive and generally involves lots of hostility - not that APS is better in that way.
Please update us if you can. We’d like to know that you are making progress – for your sake.
Carol
Grace + Peace,
Bob
Kim
The obsession with driving is about more than just getting behind the wheel again. My dad was driving aimlessly every day before we managed to get him to stop. His aimless driving (like taking a 30 mile ride just to drive past an old friend's house) was more about boredom. Many of his friends were dead and the ones that weren't sadly just weren't coming around much as his dementia progressed.
Boredom is the root cause of many of the troublesome behaviors that we tend to attribute to lots of other reasons. Get your dad 'un-bored.' This is easier said than done. For my dad, a senior day program (that provided a ride) really helped. It's tough for men, because they tend to not be as open-minded about trying new things. Be insistent and detach if he doesn't cooperate.
Also, I don't blame your dad for not wanting to move into a nursing home (even to be with mom). It can be a pretty dreary place to live if you don't need that super-high level of care. He sounds like a candidate for assisted living, where the lifestyle is a lot more lively than at a skilled nursing facility. Go look at a few, pick one you like and take him to see it (set up the visit in advance with the community so they can do everything they can make sure it's successfully).
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