I'm at my wits' end. My Dad has been in an ALF since September 2013 (after my Mom's death). He has been accusing other residents and now the housekeeper of stealing from him. Everything he claims is stolen is found in his room where HE has hidden it (in his hamper wrapped in towels, in the pocket of his closet clothes, in socks, etc.) but he still is adamant that things are being stolen. He recently physically attacked and cursed the housekeeper because he's getting so caught up in this. He was sent to the hospital immediately after that incident for a physical and psych exam. Physically he was fine, but Psych determined that his dementia is getting dramatically worse. They prescribed a limited use sedative prescription for days that he is extremely agitated (which seems like every day). I visit him every weekend (I work during the week) and each weekend I dread it more and more. The entire duration of my visit is filled with nasty accusations of the housekeeper and the retelling of each and every item he believes has been stolen. As I said, we find everything in his room (except the water, which he is drinking but obviously can't remember). He still insists that the housekeeper stole it and hid it himself. I'm becoming completely demoralized and am considering visiting less for my own mental health. My sister lives out of state and will not be visiting so it's just me who goes to see him. I have tried to steer him toward a new conversation but all he can focus on is his belief that someone has a conspiracy against him to steal everything he has. Any ideas would be very welcome. Thanks in advance.
Don't go, unless the facility calls you. You have done your duty, to your dad.
Trying to redirect your dad is the best thing you can do. Humoring him by buying into his paranoia or trying to tell him that he's imagining it doesn't help the situation. Redirecting takes a lot of energy on our parts and at times it feels like we're balancing on a cliff, just waiting for our effort of redirecting to fail and the paranoid stories to kick in again.
Have you thought that it might be time for your dad to give up his apartment in ALF and move to a NH? Since his dementia has progressed so much as the hospital diagnosed he may not be safe in ALF anymore. He may need more care and supervision.
As for how to deal with his accusations and your own stress during his visits try taking the redirection to another level. I'd be willing to bet the ALF has a library. Would your dad enjoy looking at coffee table books of photos? Some libraries in facilities have old issues of LIFE magazines with wonderful pictures from back in the day. In dealing with your dad you need a tool kit. Redirecting is one tool you can use, try photos or other types of visual books and magazines. Look through it with your dad, talk about the photos, ask him questions about the pictures you're seeing ("Dad, what was the date that the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor?") or ("Dad, who do you think was the best President?"). I've found that ALF's have many kinds of materials suitable for people our parent's age. It's another tool in the tool kit.
I had a patient with dementia and she was fascinated by my phone. Of course she had seen other people with phones but she'd never really had the chance to look at one up close so I used that and showed her everything my phone could do. I brought up some YouTube videos of Shirley Temple singing and my patient was amazed and delighted. Who knew? Another tool in my kit.
Time to arm yourself with items to help redirect your dad. Good luck!