My dad has PD and dementia. My mom (full time physician) and younger sister (high school student) live with and take care of him. Weekdays from 8AM-6PM and sometimes even 10PM they have in-home help. I have recently moved away for school.
Dad's family has not provided any help with caregiving for the past 8 years, and now (we are quite sure it was them) have made a complaint to APS, which is blatantly false. He is NEVER home alone and has never been neglected. We have been caring for him to the point of our own detriment mentally and physically. I'm not worried about APS finding anything.
Dad pretty much needs 24/7 eyes on him. He is at risk of falling, harm to himself, or others. Needs help at night going to the bathroom and getting into bed. But it's really becoming impossible for my mother and sister to live with him. For example, he has disconnected the internet modem (while my sister is doing virtual COVID school!), spills things constantly, wets the bed more days than not, or simply takes everything out of the drawers/cabinets creating a mess. We put him to bed with a diaper. But he takes it off and then goes :/ He has also threatened them with violence and is ***CW*** sexually inappropriate with mom. I'm terrified some day he will become violent.
I've been encouraging my mom to hire help 24/7, but she is also quite picky with them. My mom is a helicopter caregiver. It's like every moment she is offering him food, asking what's wrong, adjusting him in bed/chair. Even though he is literally fine. And she wants caregivers to be that way too. She is terrified that the in-laws will create a lawsuit if anything happens to him: if he falls, if we put him in a nursing home and he ends up in a hospital from there, if he falls while with a caregiver. She is terrified that if he falls at night while she is asleep or even if she takes her eyes off of him for a minute that the in-laws will create a lawsuit. And dad does not make it easy either. He doesn't sit still. For example, we sit him down in front of the TV, try to go to the kitchen to prepare dinner, and a minute later he's up again and maybe going outside into the garage so we have to drop what we're doing and follow him.
I'm concerned about my mom's physical health - she is almost 60 and can't be lifting a 180 pound man. I'm concerned for my sister's mental health and my own. I'm also scared of the in-laws. But if you've read this far, thank you. Who can I reach out to for help? Is my mother's fear of a lawsuit if he falls while on a caregiver's watch legitimate? If it's not, how do I convince her?
* Dad's care needs are high
* His needs should be reviewing regularly by a Professional Medical Team.
* Your Mother sounds like she is in denial of his illness & needs.
* Your Mother is responsible for arranging his care. Not his children. Not his other relatives.
* Dad's relatives may have stopped helping years ago to help him. Yes to help him. To get your Mother to realise she needed more than family help & accept outside help.
* There is a blaming attitide here blaming Dad for his illness & behaviour. Is this handed down from Mom?
To help your Dad & the whole family, I would absolutely welcome APS in.
I would also help my younger sister to stand up to your Mother. To stop her becoming the household servant.
Your Mother may need professionals to help her get through the denial & start making changes. Fussing & love is not enough.
I would open my doors wide to APS and ask them how best to manage dad's care. They could be a wonderful resource.
Also, why would you expect your dad's relatives to have provided care for him?
It sounds very much like it is time for him to reside in a care center. Has your mom looked into that?
Your folks have been married probably 20 years or so, right? So after 2 decades why would his family be all concerned? Is there a pile of $ or property ownership driving this? What would they sue for? I think you need to delve into the why’s on this.
With all the caregivers y’all have looking out for him, APS won’t find anything. But they have to do the visit & interview & evaluate.
I’d be more concerned as to why your mom - an educated woman - is so paralyzed by fear from her inlaws. So what’s the backstory?
Welcome APS with open arms. Let them know you have "troubled inlaws"; don't ask about details of complaint, simply show them around, let them interview whomever they would like to. They may offer tips and support you can use; ask for any support they may have to offer you.
Your mother is a physician. I think that no one knows better than she herself that there is a limitation beyond which she will not be able to function as full time MD and full time caregiver as well as a Mom. This caring for your Dad has already had repercussions on their children; and the children will soon, and SHOULD spread their wings and fly. Mom will be alone.
Meanwhile, if she can talk about this, encourage it; if she is in denial understand that. Offer what support you can given your own life needs. You are a wonderful daughter to be so caring, supportive and concerned for what your parents are going through. I am so sorry for all; this is extremely tough.