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Dad passed 4 years ago in pandemic from terminal brain tumour , Mom with dementia now askes wheres my John gone? Ive said hes safe in heaven fishing over the rainbow - she says we didn't do a funeral I saud we did darling & you put a white Rose on his coffin. We were all there & I have dads ashes keeping him safe in my house (mom didn't want them) this was January 2021 she was diagnosed Oct 2022 & is still in denile. What else can I say to her apart from that he's safe in heaven?

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Trying to reason is not working. My brother passed away within weeks of a cancer diagnosis and mom had moderate memory loss with looping questions in her habit. We decided not to tell her. When she asked about him I gave vague answers back which always satisfied her. Either I stated that I have not seen him for a while or I would ask her when was the last time she saw him. This was a question from which she could not answer.
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Reply to MACinCT
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Is she agitated about it? If so talk with her doctor or nurse practitioner about medication to calm her.

If she's not agitated, but just can't remember, do you have something like a copy of his obituary? Or photos from the funeral (I know that's less common)?

Sometimes it does work to do therapeutic fibbing, like telling her he's off on a business trip or fishing trip -- but that might confuse her if you've already been telling her he's in heaven. It depends on how much memory she has from day to day or even throughout the day.

I'm sorry. It's a lovely thing that you've been saying to her, and it's the truth. Sometimes with dementia you just have to accept that she will keep asking. But again, if it's causing her anxiety, you may be able to help calm her with medication.
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Reply to MG8522
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I think it is best to Just Be honest and keep it simple . It seems after a loved One Passes the other person / Parent gets Dementia or Alzheimers . My Mom Left us in 2017 - she had Dementia . Then My brother got sick 2 weeks after we Visited her in NH and Passed 9 Months Later October 2017 . My Father was with me the entire time . He started behaving funny in 2018 - walking slowly . I did Not Know what Dementia was and was a Little Familiar with Alzheimers . Fast forward January 2020 to a Florida vacation . I had taken a break to be with My Grand Kids . My Dad gave me a funny Look and said " Karen Did Billy Die ? " I said " yes ."
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Reply to KNance72
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There isn't anything else to say.
Don't think that she will not continue, as this is, of course, part of the Alzheimer's. She cannot remember; it won't "compute". So she is quite likely to continue, and you will have simply to repeat what you just told us, which seems the perfect answer to me.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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If what you're telling your mom doesn't continually upset her about her "John" dying, then just keep on with the truth.
If it upsets her though then I would just start telling little "fiblets" like dad is still at work but should be home later, or he's out of town on a business/family trip and will be home next week.
You have to use whatever keeps your mom calm.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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