How do you deal with a narcissistic mother?

Gift-giving ugh! Just thinking about it gives me shivers.
I have one day off work to do home book-keeping for a business. I spent that entire day running round for NM because her deskfan is broken and she wanted a personal heater for the bathroom for winter. Rocked in with a bargain heater and my own fan because there were no deskfans in the shops. She told me she'd never use the heater because it costs money to run it and my fan was no good because of no push-buttons on the front. The meal I also cooked and brought over was chucked in the fridge because she already had meals from other friends to eat. Needless to say I never got my books done and I was very cranky and walked away from her just to take a few deep breathes before I said something I'd regret. She knew I was upset and said "just put the heater in the wardrobe, I may use it someday." Not a happy camper!
As for my sister's visit to her today.....
Sis and her daughter caught the bus over for the day with a handful of favourite food gifts. After defending her to me over the phone before her visit to NM because I was making cynical remarks about NM, she msg'd me after her day visit and stated that when the nurse turned up to shower mother, she had an obvious and complete change of personality in front of their eyes. They couldn't believe how she went from uncomplaining and nice to (as she got off the bed for her shower) "Owwww! my arm is hurting. There shouldn't be this much pain after 6weeks. Owww!". Of course the nurse gave her the sympathy fix she needed for the day. I just laughed and said to Sis "So I'm cynical huh?"

Libracat: Have you considered therapy? You have such a rage towards your mom. It's not healthy for you to have this rage inside you. I think the fact that your husband really likes your mom adds to it. That would be like a slap in the face and hard to reconcile. Your life is at stake here and possibly your relationship with your husband and children. They may be wondering about your sanity.

I think it is fine to vent about the things that upset us and make our lives more challenging, but at some point you have to move forward. You can't stay stuck and just sink into hate. Read the last line of OnlyDau64. Is it possible that you could be showing signs of wanting all the attention on you and resenting the attention she gets from your family? Take a deep breath and think about this. You are a product of your upbringing. I agree that your mom is a problem, but I think she might be bringing out the worst in you. Don't let that happen. You need to have a third party to talk to and you need some honest feedback. I hope you can get to a point where you can hear a voice that is meant to help your life.

Love, Cattails

Playagrandma, you and I must be clones. Regarding the microwave story - one year I also decided to get my mother one for Christmas. It weighed a ton and I had to get someone to carry it up to her apartment that morning. It took about $20 worth of paper to wrap up, and I put a beautiful red velvet bow on it.
(I might mention that the reason I got her one in the first place is that she had told me that her friend got one and how useful it was to her and kept hinting that it would be "just the thing".)
When I walked in with it, I had a big smile on my face; I had bought her the biggest, best one that I could afford, and was anxious to see her reaction. That smile didn't stay on my face very long because as soon as she saw this big package, she said - I'm serious - almost WORD FOR WORD what yours said.
Her face squirmed up in disgust when she said it and that certainly let the air out of my balloon in a hurry. G-d forbid you should have any moment of happiness in pleasing her.
Then began the litany of complaints: "What did you have to go and do that for ......I've got no room in the kitchen for that big thing.....I don't know how to use it.......what do I need that for....." my children were aghast and none of us could imagine why she would behave this way, or say these things.
It finally occurred to me that, rather than being a convenience to her, it was nothing but an inconvenience. She has never been "modern", is lazy, would never bother to take the time to read the manual and learn how to use it. If I remember correctly I believe she actually said "Just because I mentioned it doesn't mean that I wanted one! What would possess you to go and do that!"
This is a person who never really "lived" - never travelled, never took any extra courses, never learned another language ("People who come to this country need to learn OUR language! We shouldn't be learning THEIRS!!")
And you'll love this - when she had her first heart attack (she waited four days to go to the hospital because she wouldn't pay the ambulance fee or pay for a taxi) - I went fourty miles out of my way to go to her apartment to pick up the mail and water the plants, and I noticed in the kitchen that the toaster was missing.
Guess where it was :- IN THE MICROWAVE
Now to the flower story. One Mother's Day I went over to see her. My husband and children accompanied me and when I got there, my brother and his girlfriend had gotten there first and had brought her flowers. I stopped along the way to pick up a beautiful exotic bouquet for her (I had brought presents and a card too).
When she opened the door and saw the bouquet, her face fell and in front of everyone, in a loud voice, says "Oh, NO - flowers". My daughter said, "Grandma, that's not very nice! Mommy stopped to get these just for you!"
Why, you are wondering, didn't she like them? Because it meant that she had to go into a rat-trap junk closet by the front door and ferret out a vase to put them in - and had to put up with the inconvenience of cutting off the stems, filling it with water,etc., but the main point here is her laziness. Of course, she never has the right thing, the right size, never does things the way anyone else does (i.e. the NORMAL way) -- and everything is complicated and a problem to her.
I have been off my broken leg for a week now, and if anyone brought me flowers, I would be overjoyed!!
You are damned if you do, damned if you don't - and of course, it is do as I say, not as I do. If you counter her on anything, it's "I just don't know why you enjoy arguing so much". I am so sick of her constant comments, negativity, criticizing and judging - as if she were perfect; but therein lies the problem: she thinks she IS!!
I just can't believe your and my stories are so similar. It only goes to prove that we aren't crazy and we are certainly not alone. I hate to say it - there are so many seniors where I live, always with a smile, a compliment, a nice thing to say who are enjoying life and cause no one any trouble whatsoever - but these people seem like they should never have been born! I would give my eye teeth if I could just get inside their head to find out what made them this way! It just HAS to be a form of mental illness......
It's almost as though you have gotten inside MY head with these two examples that we have both lived through. No one whom I tell them to can believe them!
I'd be interested in hearing what other people around her (your mother) who know her have to say about her........I know mine was not liked in the building she lived in and people avoided her like the plague.

I told someone a couple of weeks ago that I fired my mother. My mother has said she did think she should expect me to help her when she needs help (she's 80; I'm 47). I told her of course I would help her when she needed it...then I discovered she needed it...and she accused me of trying to get control of her money, lying to her.... "I had a terrible week", she said, because after that last temper tantrum, I got up and said, "I'm done" and left. Now she keeps calling and leaving me messages, wanting to know 'how are you doing, please, PLEASE, call me.' I do not want to talk to her. I don't care if she knows how I'm doing. She has also said in the past 'maybe I'll just drop dead', like others' mothers have.

I don't feel like I have a mother. It's all been about her. I have no idea why she wanted to become a mother in the first place, except maybe because it was "expected" in those years. I feel like I was always supposed to look good and be good so she looked good. It was never about me. And I fear being narcissistic myself.

My 84 year old mother has been taught to text. It is wonderful because when she is in one of her truly hateful moods, I can check on her without having to converse. Of course she is angry about that method of communication, but she is going to be angry about something.

Playagrandma, I just finished reading the posts here about gift giving. I am speechless. This is a problem with my mom as well. She never likes anything except money and gift cards, to her favorite stores of course. It is so hard to buy her anything, she doesn't like perfume, jewlery, candles, never likes the clothes my brother gets her. Finally, I said to myself, "to hell with this". I gave her a nice Vera Bradley handbag, she didn't care for it, didn't use it forever. I thought she would like a light weight (she always complains handbags are too heavy) bag. She made several off comments about them not being popular where she lives (not true). so what did I do, the next Christmas, I gave her another one (it was on sale). Just to piss her off. Now she gets nothing but checks. When I recently bought a Kindle, I raved about how much I like it. I thought she was going to just have a hissy telling me how much she would NOT like one. She doesn't even have internet connection, but I just let her stew.

She gives us X amount of money for every birthday and now I turn around and sent the same back to her for her birthday. Just trading checks. My husband thinks she is nuts. I think she is rude. I love everything my girls give me because it is from them. That is what counts.

I have walked away from the abuse after 58 years. When I was little I knew something wasn't right with her and I used to tell her my other mother wouldn't do that.
I ended my relationship with her by telling her that She acts like I am after her money but all I have ever wanted from her was love and I realize now that she will never love me so I am done. She said O.K. fine.
It hurts to not have a loving mother but I can't make her love me no matter how hard I try. I am in mourning for the love I will never have but the mother I got was never capable of loving someone else so I am relieved to finally stop trying.
So, like I said before SAVE YOURSELF and don't worry about what others think. You are important, precious and perfect just the way you are. Don't let her tear you down anymore.

here is a couple of classic examples and although both happened years ago-these will never be forgotten. The first one was like 35 years ago. I had all my family for Christmas. I decided that with three siblings still at home and both parents working-decided that it would be nice to get her a microwave. They had really just come out and back then they were very big and very expensive. With three real young siblings and a brother in college-they couldnt chip in much, which was fine with me and my husband. Christmas morning, we bring out the wrapped microwave and the first words out of he rmouth was "i hope in the hell that isnt a microwave?' Talk about embarrassed and to add insult to injury-when my baby brother got married=she GAVE him the microwave. The second insistent was maybe 20 years ago. All five siblings and spouses plus a few of the spouses mothers went out to lunch on mothers day. Two of my brothers wives bought corsages for their mother. My sister got one for our NM. As we are waiting to be seated-my sister gave her the corsage-she threw it back in my sisters face and says'you know I dont like flowers" The look on my sisters face-and I could have slapped my moms. And then she wonders why no one ever to this day buys her any flowers.

Yes, yes, yes.......this is a very good NM picture, playagrandma - I constantly hear "Oh you know Blanche? Well she's got three sons and they do everything for her.....they take her out to dinner every day and she doesn't have to lift a finger", blah blah blah - they just love to regale you with these stories but in the meantime forget that THEY aren't lifting a finger either because YOU are doing all the work for them - but that is very easily forgotten.
Mine called my cousin in the States and told her that my sibling has done far more for her than I EVER have.......meanwhile he hadn't seen her in three years. When she was hospitalized I went to see her every day for four months (I missed three days: 2 due to illness, one due to a new fridge being delivered). She called her friend and said that I had only been to see her 2 days and, never mind, it was useless because I didn't bring her what she wanted anyway.
You will constantly be compared to other mothers and daughters because these ones think they are the paragon of motherhood and see themselves in a perfectionistic light . If you ever dare to remind them of what they have done as far as NOT being a good parent/mother, you will be attacked and lashed out against, never mind the fact that they will deny anything that they have ever done wrong and the blame will be on you in the end " You were always on your father's side, you got that from your father's side of the family, you were always a troublemaker".
Forget about ever trying to please them with gifts. Two years in a row on her birthday mine sat and chewed unmercifully about what she had got - not from my sibling, not from her friend or granddaughters, only mine.......(don't forget there is the golden child and then there is the scapegoat......and you are it).
Comment one was "do you realize that this is the first year that you haven't given me any money?" This after having spent at least $500.00 on the gifts that she sent me a list to get her. Next year it was "do you realize that this is the first year you haven't given me any jewellery?" which was the last thing she needed since my husband is in the business and spoiled her with every single thing she could get out of him in 35 yrs.
This week I have been incapacitated by a broken leg, as many of you on here might know......my husband has bent over backwards bringing in gourmet food for her to eat, because, G-d knows, she HAS to eat - she eats more than a man and certainly more than I do (my medication gives me nausea and has taken away my appetite). He has gone to the best restaurants in town, picking up dinner entrees for her, ordering in food, etc. -- but guess what -- there is SOMETHING WRONG with every single thing he has paid exorbitant amounts of $$ for just to keep her satisfied. Grilled chicken, grilled vegetables, potatoes and coleslaw? "These potatoes are cold, I don't want any" Gourmet macaroni and cheese with imported truffle oil? "This is loaded with garlic, I won't like it" (what's her favourite snack? garlic and parmesan crackers) Pizza with exotic vegetables? "I can't eat that - I don't know what it is"...........
Playagrandma, isn't it sick and sad that we have had to put up with this in our lives? Your post describes her to a "T" - if only I had been smart enough at age 20, when she pushed me out the front door of our home with a small suitcase and a $10 bill because I was "a bother" and "causing too many problems between your Dad and I" (he drank himself to death to get rid of her) -- I should never have let her back into my life, for she is just a parasite and is not even liked by her "friends".
Yes, this is a very harsh comment to make about your own mother, but to me I feel that I have grown up without one, and this is why in high school I would beg to go to others' homes after school, to get some semblance of what real life was like in a real family, and maybe to get something to eat, because we were not allowed in the fridge.......
You are right about any gifts, for your mother - just get a gift card or stuff some cash in a card and give it to her - that's all that means anything to them anyway for they will pick apart whatever you get them. Money is their "currency" as Dr. Phil would say!!

There are 5 of us and we only do the very minimum for her because she is a NM. She loves to point out the neighbors daugther does so much for her or how everyone gets flowers for mothers day etc etc. Of course she doesnt get it that the neighbors mother and daughter get along-like friends. That the mothers who get flowers either have a great relationship with her children or they live far away and never see their mothers. And as far giving her gifts, we can never please her. She dont need the money and she expects gifts. We buy her clothes and she takes them back. When our dad was living, if one of bought something for dad that costs more than her gift-she bitched. This past Christmas she got a lot of nice clothes-instead of being grateful she complained cause no one bought her any jewerly. And of course the clothes were taken back. I think most of us are at the point where she will get gift cards for christmas and just a card for mothers day. Its what it is.

Hi ASympathiser, oh I do know full well what you're talking about......they've had many, many years to hone their skills and know exactly whom they can/can't manipulate - someone asked me earlier on here how my husband feels about having her here. Well, he is one of the "manipulated" - because she has done some good things for us over the years, and helped us out in difficult situations, he just adores her and spoils her at every turn. I don't know too many husbands who would put up with, or want their mother-in-law in residence but he isn't bothered in the least - problem is she plays him against me whenever she can, and, if she can't get the information she wants out of me or my daughters, she knows she can pry it out of him.
Of course, when I complain to him about what she's done or said, he dismisses it with "Leave her alone- she's old and she's sick". Perfect excuses!!
Now that I've been incapacitated with my broken leg, she's suddenly jumped to life, trying to control everything, doing things she hasn't done in three and a half years (because I'VE been doing them!!) and of course she has scoped out the whole house and is having a field day.......reading things left out that don't belong to her, monitoring the phone calls and mail, making decisions that aren't hers to make and going to town on the food in the fridge and cupboards. She is just beset by devilment knowing where all the snacks and "forbidden" foods are so she is in her glory now.
Because I am in a vulnerable position she now has a leg up -- hahahahaha!! Forgive me for that one please!!

We have a long weekend end of week and my NM has already devised a good excuse to force me to spend hours sitting with her (while she whines about everone & thing). I'm one step ahead though and rang my sister to ask her to catch a bus over to go spend time with her mother, so that I can utilise my extra day at home to get on with getting my own stuff done around the house.
I also got the "Others come over to their Mum's and curl their hair, do their nails, make cuppas"............"Yep Mum, but they have more then one person in the family who aren't working and can drive a car and have the time to go visit for hours on end. Sadly, I'm one person."
You see, my mother has honed her skills over the years and what she thinks should happen, she twists into saying 'such-n-such told me this, or your sister said that', so that we feel guilty and supposedly dumb enough to believe that she didn't make it up herself.

Well fancy that Libracat...a Mum 'who can'! lol Maybe now you won't feel so bad about taking those extra hours shopping or doing things for yourself huh? :D

The mentality of a narcissists is that their children owe it to them to help. My mother has gone as far as to complain about how her elderly neighbor's two sons will do all their mothers yard work each week so she doesn't have to pay a yard service like my mother. Having to work and take care of your own home is beside the point to a narcissist after all, it's all about them. I know a family (don't know what to call this type of child raising) where every single member, aunts, uncles, nieces, cousins, etc. are so clannish and stuck on their own blood line from the fraternal side. When a new baby is born in that family they claim ownership and only the fraternal heritage and history is past on. They are exclusive only with blood relatives and anyone who marries into the family has no identity within the family unless they give up their own family ties. What do you call that...it's hard for me to get my mind around how this family structure works. I have never met another family that is structured this way. Everything the family members do must please the patriarch of the family. You would think they were the Kennedy's or a family of royalty.
Libracat, now that you know your mother can make her own lunch, etc. it seems to me that when you heal, there can be some changes made. I don't know if you qualify for a walking cast but if you do, then maybe you can get out to walk a little with your granddaughter.

Thanks, everyone, for your kind wishes. I am coming along slowly but painfully and will have an appointment at the fracture clinic this coming Monday for more X-rays and another type of cast - don't know how long I'll be wearing that one for.
I never understood how frustrating it could be to be debilitated and to have to depend on others to bring you things and do for you........contrast this to my mother, who has suddenly perked out of her helplessness and now wants the control of being in charge of me, the "patient"......she has already rearranged the kitchen to her liking, checked out every cupboard in there (especially the one with cookies and snacks), discovered hidden doughnuts in the fridge and is monitoring who is using her bathroom and how much of her toilet paper (her toilet is handicapped-modified so I have been using it since it is a long drop once I have let go of the crutches to sit on my own!!)
All of a sudden she is able to make a sandwich and a cup of tea on her own for lunch, answer and monitor the phone calls, instruct people when to call or not call, and order me about my medication - wow, what a turn-around after not doing anything for almost four years.......so I guess it's time for an Oscar!!
This certainly wasn't the way I expected to spend my summer, and it means giving up my wonderful walks in the park and conservation area with my granddaughter, but I have to heal, for I fear that this leg may never feel/work the same afterward.
It only goes to prove that all along my mother has been fully capable of doing things for herself and looking after herself, but in her narcissistic haze believes that she is entitled to the catering, babying and pampering that she fully thinks she deserves......there must be a name for the syndrome in which parents had children just so that they could be "looked after" in their elderly years? What do you think about that? It's beyond obvious that the post-war generation had completely different methods of raising children as contrasted to modern-day ones...........

So sorry Libracat ~HUG~ keep that leg rested & allevated.

Have you noticed how many people with NM's talk about how nice their fathers were and how their mom's drove them into the ground? The only kind of man who could be with a NM is one that would give and give and get nothing in return. You've been given an example of suffering to follow. Look around and see who is still standing in your families. The motto is divide and conquer and these women have honed this skill to perfection. Sadly, they don't care who they hurt or devastate in the process. Next up on the kill list....don't let it be you. You deserve to be happy and free of their cruelty.

I want to start my post by saying how much appreciation I have for all of you and your honesty. I was always brought up to honor my parents which I've always tried to do. However, so much of what I read here tells me my mother truly fits into this category of being narcassistic. She has always be demanding and controlling and never, never wrong! She has never allowed me having friends in my life when she was included or allowed to tag along. We tried at one point 20 years ago to live together which ended up as me making the house payment and she lived in every room of the house including my bedroom! That lasted only a short time. Bottom line here is that I've tried all of my life to please her and it never happened! Now that she is old (90) she is worse than ever. She is in rehab for a broken leg and hates everying about it. Wouldn't you know I picked the rehab center after searching every center in town. She hates the aides (two slow), the food (nasty), the other residents, the on-site doctor, physical therapy, etc, etc. I have been visiting daily, doing laundry - knocking my lights out to make her happy. She doesn't even talk to me when I visit. She just stares at the ceiling and I think she blames me for the fact that she is there. After my day last Sunday which I described as "my day from hell" on another post, I told her yesterday that until she was able to treat me better, I won't be back for anymore visits. I just can't take her behavior. I'm 64 years old and as I look back on her behavior I can see that she was always cold and distant from me. I came to believe this was normal behavior! As she aged she became even colder to me and so seemingly uncaring. Hateful! How could I have been so blind for so many years? Has this happened to all of you as well. As I said above, I had no children due to the stories of my birth being so difficult. It made me scared and afraid and I felt the disadvantages outweighed the advantageous. She also told me children made a woman "washed up." I think that she has been a bitter woman for a very, very long time. Thank you all for helping me to see this - just wish I could have recognized it sooner. Hugs to you all!

My mother has been angry at me again since I told her that my daughter was expecting. We kept it from her for a few months. This is my first biological grandchild (I have been blessed to share my husband's grandkids who I love and adore). She has since screamed at me, told me I called my sister and hollered at her until she was hysterical (I haven't spoken to my sister in 9 months), told me that my daughter caused all the problems in the family and I when I tried to settle her down, screamed "Don't defy me!" I know this is partially dementia (although no one else in the family believes me) but it wears you down. I cut back my time with her substantially several months ago after a couple of false allegation incidents (that my siblings buy into to and they have disowned me). She has a home health worker now who she rips apart on a regular basis as "the stupidest thing she's ever seen" that she wants to "slap upside the head". I've hung in there trying to keep any kind of relationship with her but I cut way way back on how much and what I do for her. I am also in therapy where I have some healthy guidance on boundaries and a sounding board. It's not ideal, but it lets me live without guilt and hopefully without regret when she ultimately passes. Even if you've tried therapy before, I would give it another chance to help with setting boundaries. Having a professional to give reason to the guilt and obligation that binds us is extremely helpful. Good luck to you. It is sad that this disorder (which I think was always there) manifests so strongly in old age when even "normal" people become self absorbed. Just try to manage what you can manage - there's not much else you can do. You will never get approval or validation at this stage of the game.

Oh, the birth story... I get that one. She calls it her "bed of pain" and her voice gets whiney when she says it like she's still suffering. Just those 3 words...bed..of.. pain... can make me feel voilent. Today, she tells me that my aunt had a "mild" heart attack and that my cousins "won't let her do a thing for herself... it must be so nice to have children who worry so much about her. She doesn't need to lift a finger." The last time she said something like that to me, I was on my hands and knees washing her nasty kitchen floor. I happened to be under the table. I shot up like a rocket and gave my head such a whack that I couldn't even breathe for a minute. Its funny now, but that table saved her from a verbal tirade from me. I was too busy seeing stars. The tirade would've just made her even more of a victim anyway. The selfishness and need for the lime light just amazes me. Her mother was the same way. When my brother broke his neck, my grandmother went into some drama about a "bellyache" and fell down in front of us on the kitchen floor. She just couldn't stand that someone else was hurt worse than her stupid bellyache. Scares me in a way. Mother and grandmother were cut from the same mold. I just hope I don't end up like that.

OMG! She sounds totally impossible. I don't know how you are able to stand it day after day. I find myself loosing patience with my Mum and then I feel guilty after. I really don't know why you aren't burned out....how do you have anything left of yourself to give her. How long can you remain healthy yourself dealing with that everyday? I hope this forum has been helpful to you. It helps to share with others! Stay strong and take good care of YOURSELF!

Webgypsy: What's twisted is what binds those who are abused to the abuser. This seems to be the underlying truth. When the abuser is the parent, somehow the child keeps trying, no matter how old they are and how futile it is. The love and acceptance that child wants is not going to come. All you can do as an adult child of an abuser is give yourself, that inner child, the love it needs. Only you can do it for yourself.

I recently read a post from a woman whose mother hit her in the face with her closed fist and told her that no matter what she did, it would never be enough. This is not a child, but a grown woman who was literally slugged in the jaw. Her mom has done many things to undermine her life and her ability to earn an income (by putting the daughter's company out of business via hateful connections she had in the same business). And what does this daughter say? "I will be there for my mom and she knows she can always count on that."

I'm sorry for the bind and dependency that everyone feels, but you have to know in some fiber of your being that this is a sick relationship. You are continuing to be abused.

Webgypsy, you seem to be coming to that realization. Please do save yourself. Leave her behind and let her sleep in her own bed. Don't sleep there with her.

I mean all of this in the kindest and most heartfelt manner. Please get counseling and get out of these abusive relationships.

Cattails

Save yourself!! I just finally, at the age of 57, have come to the realization that no matter what I do or endure from her she is not capable of love. There is a lot that goes with being a narcissist and my mother has pulled every card in the book. She had alienated all family members from each other so she could have them to herself. Most now don't speak to her at all. I have been like a 2 year old all my life trying to get her love. Even though my mother made me have holidays alone if my sister wanted the time, I kept waiting. When dear sister didn't want to spend a holiday then I had a command performance.
This saga goes on and on and really reads like some weird Gothic novel except instead of real poison it comes from her lips. I am in a crisis right now with her pulling a master manipulation to get put onto Hospice. Hospice has now cut her loose and I know the goal of her quest is to get me to move in with her and wait on her hand and foot like my father did. She chose to quit walking twenty years ago and he kowtowed to her every whim. She chain smokes with no regard to others and up until the hospice thing she drank gin every night.
I started my diatribe with SAVE YOURSELF and I am writing it to you as much as to myself. There is so much emotion with the narcissist being your own mother and the desire to do what is right for family. I have this twisted idea that family is supposed to be special no matter how they treat you.

Libracat! Same deal with me with the labor story! I was a breach birth and my mom never got over telling anyone who would listen how painful her labor was. No way she would have anymore children. She told this story for years and this story kept me from having children - I was too scared of the pain! What a horried thing to do to a child. I'm alone on the earth now - have no one!

Libracat: I am so sorry about your leg. Damn, I bet that hurt. Can I ask you a question? How does your husband feel about having you mom living with you? I can't imagine that he enjoys have his home filled with her presence or the tensions it brings to the environment.

I think your sister loves you, but she can't control your mom's behavior either. Maybe she is suggesting that you not submit yourself to this anymore. That is the only thing that will bring change to your life. It really is the only solution.

Don't be mad at me. I know this is not an option you want to take even if it is a sensible one. I'm just sorry to see you going through all this.

You will have some time getting better from the leg break. I'm sending you love and white light. Cattails

Hi everyone, hope you've all been well.
I've got the classic example of narcissistic mother for you - forget about all my other postings, this one tops the bill!!
On Saturday morning, I fell off my stepladder (while trying to fix my mother's bedroom curtain) and broke my left leg. My mother was in her room at the time and the minute I hit the floor, it was "Oh what have you done now!! You better get in the shower before everything stiffens up!" I could not stand, walk, or move and had to use her cane to shove myself up the hall and into my bedroom where I had to somehow climb up onto my bed.
Because my younger daughter and husband were at Saturday services I had to call my older daughter (the pregnant one with the toddler) to come and, because it was lunchtime for my mother, I called 911 to come and take me to the emerg and then my daughter went to get my mother some lunch at a nearby coffee shop. I had already gone to the hospital and when my daughter returned here, she found my mother snooping around in my bedroom. Later I asked my mother what she was doing in there and of course she denied it and said, I don't know what you're talking about.
She then said to my daughter "Well thanks for getting me in trouble!" So there you go, lack of responsibility or blame for looking around, and unwillingness to admit that she had been doing something wrong, then putting the onus on my daughter. She not only was annoyed that my daughter had told me, she was furious at being caught at it!!
I didn't get back from hospital til 8 p.m. that night. By then my mother had started to resent that the limelight was off her and started worrying unneccesarily about herself. I think she started realizing that she was going to have to do more on her own, and do without the "services" that I provide.
Not to mention the fact that we were all regaled with horror stories of when she broke her wrist and foot, oh that was just horrible, I don't know how I got through that ordeal, etc. etc. etc.
Sunday my younger daughter came at 8 a.m. with a variety of breakfast foods and coffee. She stayed all day doing various jobs such as washing dishes. Next thing you know, my mother has her twisted around her little finger, oh dear, would you mind getting me this? I can't reach it.....Do you think you could make me this for lunch? That would be so nice to have.....on and on and on and I blew my stack at my daughter - I thought she was there to help ME - but, oh, no, there is my mother, manipulating the situation, doing everything she can to get the focus back on "poor her" and getting everyone to run around after HER!!
My daughter just doesn't have a good grasp on the fact that her grandmother is the queen of narcissists and - get this - you'll love this one:- yesterday there was a program on about the queen's upcoming jubilee and they showed a picture of her; my mother's comment was "I can't tell you how many people have told me I look just like her"............I told you before, she's got Queen Elizabeth Syndrome!!
Also I had quite a few comments: "Don't forget I have a dr. appt. this Monday" "You'll need to renew all my medications this week" OMG it is just endless and it's like no one else exists! But see, in her world, nobody else DOES!! Only her!
Last night I was trying to manoeuver my way up the hall on my crutches and as I passed my mother's room, there she was, lying on the bed with her hand clutching her chest, with a big grimace on her face - I asked her what was the matter and she said "Oh - it's the pain - the pain" Nothing specific, mind you - it's just, why should you be in a worse position than me, mine hurts worse than yours; it's all selfishness and demanding to be the one who needs the most care.
If ever I needed an eye-opener about her narcissism this was it. I called to tell my sibling what happened to me and how she was behaving and the comment was "well, you've always known what she is like". Sorry - that does nothing to help me. Except to wind back the hands of time and remember when either of us got hurt or had to go to the hospital, and the "terrible nuisances and inconveniences" we were to her. But if she got hurt somehow - the sky fell.
I am getting more and more frustrated with her behaviour. I almost wish she had dementia because maybe then she would forget about HERSELF!!

As I agree there is no sense arguing with them it will just get nastier -a narcissist will have to get in the last word-I know my Mother does not love me and never has-she remarked one time to my aunt that she must have done a good job being a mother because the four of us turned out ok-I was speechless and in those days tried not to ruffle feathers so after my mouth fell open said I guess instead what was on the tip of my tounge-not sure I would say the same thing now cmag has helped me remember how it really was and I have stoped trying to get her approval-frankly it is not important to me now and she still is very angery.

Right on! Do not mirror the narcissist's emotions right back at them with a reaction for that only fuels the fire. Often choosing to respond by not commenting is more powerful than anything that you could say.

Yes, it's all very crushing over a lifetime. My younger sister, by 17yrs, was also told by NM that her being born was only by stipulation to her dad that he would raise her if he wanted a child. My sister never told me that till recently and I am 60yrs old as well. I felt really scattered for her and her growing years as an only child (even though NM sees her as the 'golden child'). She has the title of "poor Meg". I cannot count the number of times I've told my mother to stop viewing her as "poor" anything.
Reading Omagnum's post brings to mind a time decades ago when once I stood up strongly against NM, but as most would know, the grating wears one down to the point of realising it's all just a big waste of energy. These days I take a deep breathe and walk away. I refuse to fire back and add more amunition. NM is not stupid and knows when I'm upset with her.

Libracat, I just have to respond to the comments about your mom's labor. I couldn't believe my eyes when I read this. I heard from the time i was old enough to remember what a horrible labor and delivery Mom had with me. How much it hurt, how she almost died, yada, yada. Told me, and I quote, "I don't care if you ever have kids, it hurts too much." Now, imagine the affect this would have on a teenager.

Well, I had three kids, two were twins. Did great, good attitude and thank God everyday I did.

These coconuts do not care what they say or do to their children. Just amazing.