I am 64 and my mother is 82-I recently moved to the area she lives in. She lives by herself in a retirement community. She is selfish, controling and is alway lying. Now she is always been this way but getting worse. I am trying to help her but when I do -she says I need to mind my own business. If I cant go take her someplace she pitches a fit like a 5 year. Please someone give me some advice. I have seen therapists in the past and all told me I needed to divorce her. Not sure I can because of guilt and also thinking about my dad-who died four years ago-he loved her even though she was awful to him. Please what should I do
Thank you for sharing your story and experiences. They are very valuable to me.
Another thing about depression era people, what's up with getting that deer in the headlights look at the mention of a nursing home? Mom had no problems sticking her mom in one but katy bar the door at the suggestion she might need to go. She said I should quit my job and take care of her before that ever happened. Oh of course, Mom, you've been so kind and caring to me all my life, I definitely want to quit my job to take care of your ungrateful, hateful behind...no way in H@^L!!!!! Pile all that responsibility on your other daughter who lives 3000 mi away (I was 8 mi away), throw in a paid caregiver who apparently took my place as the eldest daughter and somebody, I've never found out who, you gave your pin # to and overdrew your bank account several times.
Thanks for letting me vent. I felt the need to air my disgust today.
My mother is very much like your MIL. She has contempt for most other people. She hated her own father and my father's parents. She puts on a show when it comes to her grandchildren, but only if they come to her. She never goes to them. All of her arrows point inward with nothing coming back out. It is probably why she chose an autistic man to marry. He required very little of her emotionally.
I still chuckle when I think of a conversation my mother and I once had. She was talking about how she couldn't understand why my brothers and I weren't closer. After all, she and her siblings were all so close. I just told her, "Well, you had different parents" and left it at that. I love getting the occasional barb in when getting criticized for something that I had no control over.
I live with a narcissist and let me tell you it is no fun to be around a person who doesn't see others as significant except in how they can serve. We had something come up the other day that made me realize how bad it really was. She simply despises my cousin's wife. When my aunt got cancer, she was very sick. My cousin put his mother in a skilled nursing facility. My mother thought that the wife was a monster for not taking care of her. I pointed out that my cousin had three young children, so their responsibility was to them. She said no, it wasn't. Then she said the preachers say that God and Jesus come first, parents second, then spouse and family. So adult children should forsake their spouses and children to take care of their parents. My mother has even rewritten the Bible to fulfill her narcissistic need.
The sad part is that in trying to pull people in, the narcissist pushes them away. I have to keep my interactions with her to a minimum because she is so focused on herself. The only boundaries that exist are the ones I set and she has no regard for them at all. If I tell her no, I won't do something, it isn't taken seriously, then all hell breaks loose when I put my foot down. It is a sad thing that the result is if she were to die tomorrow that no one would miss her. There was never any love coming from her, and now that she is old, she is alone. Everyone around her has had to distance themselves, including me who lives under the same roof.
playagrandam, your plans to move are fabulous! You've suffered enough, now go enjoy your loving family. I admire you for having the courage to leave the negative behind and embrace the positive. The best to you.
If I had a dollar for every time my ex-husband told me "well, at least you have a mother, mine died when I was 3", I'd be a rich person. It must be sad not to ever have a mom, but it's sadder to have a mom who hates you and who's main goal in life is to make you miserable and try to "break" you at every turn. I forgave my mom before she died, but I will NEVER forget what she did, mainly because I don't ever want to be like her, especially to my own kids. I carry no guilt for anything involving her, I cannot smile about anything involving her and she brings absolutely no joy in my memories.
Having just read your last posting (just above this one of mine) I have to agree with you on the genetic end of it - in fact one of my children shares the exact traits my mother has, which makes it doubly difficult for me. One of them is more than enough, as I am sure you can relate! But I think you are so right - I imagine that if I went back into the family history there would be others - so genetics must be a component.
My mother does have a sibling who is "normal" for all intents and purposes and completely different from her. Also it seems as though my mother took after one parent and her sibling took after another.
There is myself and my sibling and neither of us have narcissistic traits. I do not believe my father was a narcissist but of course, he got tangled up in her world and became one of her minions, so to speak. I didn't want to say tool or weapon. But life between the two of them was unforgiveably punishing and to make matters worse they were the exact same zodiac sign, one week apart!
Angry? Negative and fault-finding? Add to this critical, judging, inflexible and a big dose of constant supposed narcissistic injury and you have my NM.
Thank you for the hugs -- I send them back to you!
Sounds like you know about "no win" situations. I do too. They are is very wearing, ((((((hugs)))))
My advice - and it is what I myself would do in the same situation - write her a very brief and informational letter that you are moving. I would give her as little ammunition as possible in it, and definitely create as much space as possible. I am not clear if this is a goodbye for ever and no more contact for you, or just the move, I would avoid seeing her face to face as I think that invites more abuse. However, if you decide that, like mywits says, walk out if (when)it gets nasty/stressful. I think seeing her face to face would be stressful for you no matter what is said. If you have things you want to say to her, I would, at some point, write those down too, and send them - not that they will change her, but may make you feel better.
sharyn - we got nasty letters too, and eventually I just left them, or threw them away. Mother alienated her grandkids by sending them nasty letters.
Playa - whatever you decide -let us know and let us know how it goes. I think moving towards your daughter, sil and grandson is great. See if you can let the past and the unpleasant present go. Let go and let God as they say.
Blessings and prayers for a whole new and better life. Joan
They are then conditioned to expect preferential treatment, devlop a huge sense of entitlement and expect to be the center of attention always. Then when they have their own families they have a chance to project onto their own husbands/wives/children the way they expect things to be. Also it is always do as I say, not as I do....so don't you dare cross them or get out of line. The cycle is repeated so that anything their children do is up for scrutiny and anything you do that is perceived as a slight against them is turned back on them as putting them in a bad light. It's a no-win situation!