My aging mom is 85 and I do everything for her and I also have 2 kids whom are older, 22 and one almost 18. I am now in a relationship with someone I care for deeply and he stays over my house at times. My mom is freaking out over it and wants me out even though if I do leave she knows she will be able to do nothing without me. I have a brother who really does nothing except come and visit once a week or so. I want a life for myself now because I've put myself on the back burner for so long. One night when my boyfriend stayed or almost stayed she came up to my room and pounded on the door and was saying she wanted me out and just spouting off, I proceeded to sit on my bed for a minute and she went downstairs and started banging on the ceiling with a broom, I then left with my boyfriend after that happened. What do you all think?? It's really hard to deal with and don't know which way to turn. The house by the way is in my name and my brothers also.
Sorry about the typos. I almost feel asleep at the keyboard.
If the house is actually your Mom's, why not get a place of your own place where you can have some peace, privacy, and ... all the other goodies that come with a loving relationship? Your children are grown already and could help you pay for it.
Not that I'm siding with your mom, but when my twin sons graduated college and moved back to NYC with their fiancees "until they found a place of their own over the Summer" I almost ended up in a psych ward. The constant in and out, the moans and groans from the "sexaerobics" down the hall that knocked the plaster off my walls, phones ringing, arguments, and having to schedule time to use my own bathroom and kitchen was more than I could take.
Your relationship with your mother seems symbiotic (co-dependent). That being the case, a woman-to-woman conversation is in order to reach a compromise both of you can live with; and respect each other in the process. If that doesn't work, consider moving somewhere else and let her make her own arrangements. ... If she has the strength to bang on your door and the energy it takes to rule the roost, she can make her own arrangements while you walk into the sunset.
-- ED
I totally understand. I am in my mid 40's and my mom is behaving htis way and my dad had a stroke. AND I have my kids. I feel like I am losing it. Nobody else is willing to step up and help. I don;t know how I am gong to handle all of this, either. I am on depression meds to help ME cope.
I am looking at adult dya care and home health peple to come in becuase I am so ready to call it quits. I also have a fulltime job and a boss who says he understands but he really doesn't. It's my family you know? But I still have to pay for everything. I don't know how much more of this I can take, but I have to keep on plugging along.
I need time for me and I feel guitly about it. People say I shouldn't but I do. Your brother should come over with his partner and provide you a break. You deserve it.
Get your brother or one of the grand kids to spend the night occasionally so that you may have time for yourself. Spend time with your boyfriend at his place, or get a hotel.
Since your Mom needs you for everything, get someone in
to replace you a few days a week. This will make her realize
that you need a life. She had hers, and now it's your turn.
Do this gradually. What I did was take with an elder care
therapist to help get rid of my guilt for not doing everything
see told me to do. It worked for 6 years. God Bless