I am a caregiver for both my parents and live in their home. They are 81, I'm 43. My Mother is a sweetheart and very easy to care for. My Dad on the other hand(former alcoholic) wants me to call him whenever I leave the house and get to my destination. Whether it be running errands, meeting friends for dinner or even taking my own self to the doctor. It has made me so nervous I feel like I have to rush all the time. I tried telling him that I am very careful and not to worry about me, that him making me "check in" like that is unnerving. He told me that it's because he loves me, but that he's "pulling the shade" on me now and will stop caring. I feel guilty and have tried to talk to him some more to clarify what I meant, but I'm getting the cold shoulder. What can I do?
controlin as far as saying nope u cant go anywhere , phhht thats when i would laugh and say ill be back pa . an go on to my merry ways .
i always tell dad hey im going to store i shall be back in a hr or so , do u need anything in town while im out . hey dad my neighbor is havin a party and daughter is stayin with u while im gone , do u need anything before i leave ? it gives him satisfaction cuz they do worry and wonder and it is not good to see them get all wound up with worries , end up with heart attack , panic attack .
i see nothing wrong to tell ur dad where youre going . on the other hand he is not to tell you no u cant go , no u be home in 15 mins etc . i would put a stop to that , i get home when i get home .
i would like to know what my kids are doing , poof out of the house car is gone , uhhh where did she go ? now that suxs .
It is so refreshing to see someone post, ask for some guidance, and then follow thru... I am very proud of you deedee, keep up the healthy path you are on... You take care of yourself.... hugs across the miles..
Poor guy feels like he owns you, and every "check in" reinforces that behavior. Give them both the heads up before stepping out, and leave the cell # in case of emergency. (He'll probably dial it a few times just to send you on a guilt trip. Answer the first 2 calls, put it on vibrate afterwards.) If he gives you lip and attitude when you come back, don't feel you have to explain where, why, and what you did.
My mother used to emotionally blackmail me with the "I worry about you," "You could've been dead on the side of the road and I'd have never known," and "I love you and want you to be safe." Crock. ... The old Duchess of Discipline just wanted me at her beckoned call, and insisted I checked in too. ... Every hour on the hour. Of course I got sick of it after a while. And even sicker when she started interrupting my full-service Saturday night dates. "Where are you?," "What are you doing?," "Who's that trifling trick in the background?," "Do I know her?," "I'm worried sick," blah, blah, blah. ... So I told her to get used to it. Indignant, she said "I'm sorry I called," and I answered "Next time you better be dying, or moving out."
DD, I'm not suggesting you do what I did. But a line needs to be drawn if you're to have a life outside caregiving. He'll keep trying to erase it while you struggle to find a balance between asserting your rights as a grown woman and pleasing them as you've done since you were a little girl.
Don't argue with him. Just ask him if he respects you. If he really did, you wouldn't be going through all this stress and aggravation.
Wish you the best my friend.
-- Ed
Today, I sat both down and explained that I will not be "checking in". I directed it with a stern stare at dad. He responded with...ok. So far so good. Trying to stay positive and will stick to my guns! Hope all of you have a blessed day and many thanks:-)
Maybe you need your own home and get some professional carers to come in so that you are a free woman .... best of luck x
Amen to that.
Here is how it is supposed to work: You do something bad. You feel bad about it, a special kind of bad we call guilt. You make ammends/and or resolve not to repeat the action and/or clean up your act. Life is better. Simple, eh?
But we complicate it by carrying around guilt we don't deserve. Often this guilt was planted by persons exploiting our vulnerability such as when we were children or when we are going through difficult stresses. However it gets there, we didn't earn it and the natural course of repenting and moving on doesn't work.
Here we go again. Your dad does something bad, or at least inappropriate, expecting you to report in to him. Your dad does something else bad by childishly not speaking and trying to push your guilt buttons. And YOU feel guilty and obligated to make things right. What's wrong with this picture? :) :)
Stand your ground. Jettison the irrational guilt. You can do it (and life will be better)!
Was it your decision to move in with them? Is there an alternative: moving out, but living nearby, having a paid in-home caregiver come in a few days a week so you can get some "me time", finding an assisted living center in your town?....there are other ways of caring for your family, you do not have to live with an abusive father. You owe them a safe and comfortable environment and that is it.
For now, when you go out, do not "call in." Turn off your cell phone. If there is a true emergency, I am sure they both know how to dial 911. Do not "rush around" just so dad is happy.
Let the passive/aggressive behavior roll off your back if you can. If it starts to diminish your spirit, my advice is to start looking for another place to live. Please do not think that, out of obligation, you need to put up with this. Just reading your note made me sad - I couldn't stand it for a day!
Please take care of yourself, value yourself, and get out of there....just my opinion....Lilli
Whatever his reason, this isn't healthy, so I'm glad you stopped it. He can pull the shade down. He can pout. He can give you the silent treatment. He doesn't want to listen to further explanation because he knows what you meant and he probably knows you are right, but he still wants his way. Sorry Dad. It's not going to happen.
Do not back down. Sure, try a "sit them both down" discussion. Maybe Mom's contribution will help smooth things over. But make it clear that you are not checking in when you leave the house. Whether Dad speaks to you or not, go about your business cheerfully. Act as if you hardly notice that he is in a snit. If he changes from silence to trying to argue with you, don't get sucked into an argument. You are not checking in and that is the way it is. It is a condition of your being in their home to help them out. It is not negotiable.
Draw the line now. If he gets away with this who knows what irrational control he'll try to put in place next?
Let us know how it goes.