Hi. Okay so last time I asked about assisted living discussions. That didn't go well at all. Mom doesn't think she's ready. (I am). Okay so now I'm looking at in home help for her as I work all day long and my husband who's home with her is not able to care for her due to handicaps. My daughter has been watching mom but she's having a baby any day now.
So, I brought up having someone come in 2x a week to help her with anything she needs. First she said yes that's fine. Now she says she cannot afford that. (she can but has all money in savings for whatever she might need years from now) she's 86! Will not spend the money for home health and so, we are back where we started. Her mind is going quickly lately. She crys anytime I bring up help or assisted living saying that I am the only one she has! I know that but it's killing me. I have a brother who ignores mom and lives 1/2 the country away. Mom tells me to go out with my husband but when I do, she lays the guilt trip on me later and says she would have liked to go also. I'm lost. I'm depressed, lost, at wits end and feeling oh so guilty even thinking about a nursing home or assisted living. HELP. I adore mom but she's making me crazy and destroying the family without even knowing it.
The fact that you are on anti-depressants to handle this situation is alarming. What would you tell a friend who came to you with the same scenario?
Please do not buy into the "you're abandoning me" line. You are doing what is best for all.
Do one thing today toward changing your home environment. I guarantee you that, if you don't, you will lose both your health and all these years with your hub and family.
good luck
First: you house your rules. Even the "best mom in the world" would not let you get away with bad behavior because you would become spoiled. How is this any different? If you walk on eggs around her and melt into a puddle of tears everytime she has a tantrum, she has you right where she wants you.
Second: Taking care of your parents and doing the very best thing for them does not necesssarily mean that they have to be under your roof. In fact, it can be toxic. The one thing that my Mom was missing was more social contact. She was not getting that at home.
I've gotten the power of attorney (have had that for 10 years now) and I'm also on all her bank accounts. I've done al the right things. It's just that she's not senile enough for me to take the lead and yet enough that she is kindof like bipolar. I never know which mom I'm coming home to which is sad because she's always been everything to me. Best mom in the world! I think the guilt comes in because I feel it's now my turn to take care of her and I'm not doing so well at it. Also, my brother is basically ignoring the situation and has said he will NOT help me. I'm all she has.
Your mom (or anyone else) can buy the tickets for a guilt trip, but you don't have to pack your bags and go! I think guilt can serve a very useful purpose, and help deter bad behavior or prompt reform. I'd like to hand out a little more guilt in this world, perhaps starting with politicians and policy makers and scam artists and tax cheats who make the rest of us carry their share. But guilt belongs to those who intend harm or act without regard to the harm they cause others. Unless you are holding back some material facts, I don't see that you deserve guilt. You haven't earned it. It is not nice to grab what you haven't earned and don't deserve. :) Give up the guilt, please!
Now, guilt free, what actions are you taking regarding this? Do you have POA? Are you on your mom's checking account? If not, have you started that process?
If Mom resists have you contacted social services? Mom needs help. Mom has money for help. This is a very enviable situation compared to many, where there is no money. But you need help to get her to spend that money. What steps are you taking toward that goal?
Lose the guilt. Take some action. You'll feel much better.
And let us know how you are doing.
I would say go ahead and line up the home health and get Mom's POA papers in order so you can manage the money for it. This IS what she was saving for and it IS irrational to say no to it while it is wearing you out - but Mom is not liekly to be abel to come to grips with that. Maybe say you need to try it "just for a week" while you take care of something and you're just worried because you won't be able to be home with her as much as you'd like...then just keep going with it. Once she is not scared to death of the very idea and has SEEN and experienced that it does not mean abandonment ,she will most likely be OK with having help come in regularly.
And as far as guilt, I just look at it like it is just another feeling. It will only have as much power as I give it. I used to tell my dad, he couldn't make me feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty!!! I read so much on these threads about guilt, maybe admin should dedicate something to that... I guess for me, I live my life with the idea of having no regrets, and if I am doing the best I can, allowing myself to be human first, then a caregiver, then somewhere I am entitled to a life..
I hope this comes out as it is intended, not meaning to step on any toes, but it is my own experience...When I started spending more time trying to figure out where the guilt was coming from, and how I gave my personal power away , and learned to communicate better about those feelings, things started to get much better. I realize no one can MAKE me feel anything, I just volunteer to feel that way.. I don't know if that made any sense or not. Hard to put life experiences into cyber space sometimes... I hope you find something that works for you and realizing that our elders will grasp at different things to not feel so powerless over their own lives... the answer to your question lies within you, hope you find some peace... hugs