my mother lives alone capable of caring for herself. Since she's lived alone after reitrement, she's become vey hateful. Down right mean! Nothing anyone does for her is good enough. She down grades us 3 girls who helps her out constantly. Today she threw my sister out of her house and told her she didn't have a daugher and to never come back. She did the same thing a year ago. She is totally so negative that no one wants to be around her. I stand my ground and won't let her talk to me the way she does my other 2 sisters. She NEVER has anything good to say about anything or anyone. Her doctor is a quack and doesn't know what he's doing. It gets so old to hear day in and day out. She's always right and NEVER wrong. she has never apologized for anything as long as I can remember. It's like she wants us girls to be puppets on a string. She had a mild stroke in Nov. The nursing home wanted to do a mental test to see if the stroke affected her mind. She refused. She's gotten worse since her stroke so I'm trying to take that into consideration. But I cannot go throught the rest of her days like this!Does anyone know anyone who we can talk to about her verbal abusiveness??
I hope I have moved beyond this or at least I'm trying.
In the past year I have moved her into an assisted living in the state where I live( to my sister's glee, another story). She has dementia now and her negativeness and nastiness is getting worse and worse. However, because of the dementia she does also have very occasional "happy moment"....but the other shoe always drops quickly...
I could go on and on forever but I just would like YOU to know that after more than half my lifetime of trying to seek her approval I have realized that I will never never get it and I can never change her abusiveness and attitude. I almost feel sorry for her--what a miserable life she has led of her own doing.
I now take the attitude that I have found a place for her where she is fed three times a day, bathed, given medication at the proper times and has constant entertainment and activities for her to do. Of course, she chooses not to do them but that is her choice(she still complains but now has NEW things to complain about).She lived alone for 40 years and was a recluse so any activity,even if she just observes is better than before when she did absolutely nothing all day and saw no one. Her life has been her choice not mine and I can do nothing about that part. I have given her the opportunity to be happy but I can't be happy for her.
People who know me ask why I take care of her and I always say that I would do it for a stranger.. and I want MY children to see me doing the right thing....(which I have always taught THEM to do) I am trying to practice what I preach .And I do keep that attitude in the back of my mind all the time...... -My suggestion for you is to-move your mom into a senior setting-Maybe being around people and experienced staff would help her behave better and hopefully be a little happier--in any case it might make life a bit easier for you.....I visit my mother once a week -take her out sometimes and stay all day unless she is really nasty then I leave earlier. I bring her to my home only for Holidays. At times if it has to be more than a week I make no excuses other than I will get there when I can.
Now, I always keep in mind that being a miserable and abusive parent and person all her life is her choice and I am doing the best I can. I hope I remember how NOT to be and treat my children when I am at this stage of MY life.
Research senior settings carefully because they can range from wonderful to deplorable. The costs vary and make sure you look for 'hidden" costs.
I would also suggest getting a POA (medical and financial) now for the future to spare you more grief and resentment. She will fight you on this but just assure her that you are only going to help her take care of her and her finances etc and they are still hers. After a period of extreme nastiness she will be glad to not have to deal with it. It's a pain to keep track of another's finances, medical needs etc but it will safeguard her from getting taken advantage of by strangers.
Just remember THIS IS HER PROBLEM AND NOT YOURS --deal with it with compassion but DO NOT let yourself be a VICTIM.......you cannot sacrifice your life for hers just do what YOU feel comfortable with---no-one but you knows what the right answers are for your particular situation
I am afraid she has earned her loneliness and alienation, and you have, so unfairly, missed out on having a loving and rewarding relationship with a parent that you should have had. You are doing no wrong by making what provisions for her care and well-being that she will allow and keeping a safe distance emotionally.
I know what you mean with the being nice to someone else and making such a good impression, while being so mean to you - it hurts, because that's not the way its supposed to be, and healthy people know that. Healthy people offer gratitude and not just criticism to those who love them enough to try to help.
My mother can be so nice when someone else besides her family is around. By the way my brother is also an attorney and he isn't sure what to do in this situation either. I am no longer around her physically but pay her bills . She has created havoc in our family and has no remorse. There are three grown children and all we can figure is that our mother is and has been mentally sick for all of her life. You would think that childhood abuse would have been enough - now we have to deal with it again as adults- somehow it just brings up all again-
Her negative behaviors are most likely exaggerated due to the parts of the brain affected by the stroke. This could be explained to you by finding out what part of the brain was affected by the stroke.
A CAT scan or better yet a PET scan would be able to tell you if there are other parts of her brain that are affected and causing these behaviors.
Medication may be the only thing the may curb her behaviors. A geriatric neuropsychiatrst would be the best to make that determination.
its worse for someone who can't cognitively kind of check themselves and realize they are being unreasonable and need help or need to at least limit their outbursts so as not to drive all their help away, and worse still for a perfectionist who cannot admit they ever do anything poorly or are ever wrong
no easy solution when assessment and care are steadfastly refused - occasionally a thrid party may help, but some people are so isolated there isn't anyone else who knows them and can talk to them, like pastors or neighors, or just anyone who can "objectively" express shock and dismay at really nasty comments or behavior..I had a director at my mom's skilled nursing explain to her that .I was just trying to help by bringing her new shoes and they were nice shoes, and she wears them now. (she callled me an idiot for bringing them to her PT session in front of other people, as if there was something embarrassing about shoes, and I about lost it at that point.) I was also advised to not just keep coming back for more every day regardless of behavior and outbursts, as that triggers some reflection on behavior in some cases as well. apparently.
this is not easy - take care of yoruselves too, give thanks you have each other (I'm an only so I get it ALL), and God bless!
THAT CAN EVALUTE HER TO SEE IF SHE IS GOING THRU
DEMENTIA. THE RIGHT MEDICATION CAN HELP.
THINKING BACK, MY MOM MUST HAVE BEEN GOING THRU THAT FOR 10 YEARS BEFORE I FOUND THE RIGHT DR.
AND THE MEDICATION THAT HELPED.
Good Luck
Negativity has a way of being a hurricane and scoops everything up in its path --including people. Lilliput is right--put some distance between your mother and you. When you can clear a path in your mind, you can return and "be of service" as if you are a friend, again, as Lilliput advises. But if you don't put distance between you and this negative hurricane, it will deestroy yoru ability to be kind and helpful.
If your Mom is able to care for herself just try to limit your time with her. She has refused medical testing, which is her right, but you do not have to pay for it. Just make sure she is safe and has enough to eat, etc. Perhaps some distance from you all will help her see how precious time is. Try to think of her as a friend or neighbor you are helping out...takes the emotion out of it.
If she continues with the negativity, hire in-home help. Sometimes when help comes free it isn't appreciated.
Good for you for standing your ground. Those of us who are caregivers seem to live by the saying, "no good deed goes unpunished."