How do you deal with over dramatic relatives at a funeral?
Grandma's funeral is Friday, I called our local paper and put an Obituary in for her so all her friends who we could not find their numbers could know of her passing. Apparently the fact that my half siblings were mention as part of 9 grandchildren and no in laws were mentioned (THE LADY WRITING THE OBITUARY ACTUALLY TOLD ME THEY DON'T MENTION SON AND DAUGHTER IN LAWS BECAUSE IT CAUSES CONFLICT AND PEOPLE CALL YELLING AT THEM) passed off my uncle's wife. My uncle called my aunt flipping out on her that 9 grandchildren were mentioned and not the 5 who are from the 4 siblings. Here's the thing, my grandma considered my half siblings as her grandchildren, she was GRANDMA to them as well and they're heartbroken she is gone. I couldn't leave them out and the news reporter said that they would be counted as the grandchildren and she would not mention they were step grandchildren. The reporter and I went over this obituary with a fine tooth comb purposely editing it and re drafting it to avoid offending anybody. She and I were on the phone for more than an hour. Now I could have been spiteful and just mentioned my siblings and myself and how much she meant to us. The reporter didn't even mention my dog like she said she would, but I'm not mad about it. I was highly pleased with the obituary as was friends who read it. I'm just frustrated. There is no need for anybody to be carrying on the way my uncle's wife is carrying on. He also went as far as to yell at my aunt (his sister) that he is speaking at the funeral and he is speaking first. I don't care I'm more than happy going last because my words are my own and not the words of anybody else. We sadly had to warn the Rabbi about the bulls hit he's going to be walking into and he joked about the fact that my aunt is a "goyim" who is causing too much trouble and that Friday will be all about celebrating the life of my grandmother.
I am actually highly relieved that moving forward from Friday that they will not bother with us until she sends my uncle for the diamond earrings, now that grandma is gone we can even go back to setting the house alarm which I told my aunt we should change the code so when he attempts to break in it can't be disarmed.
I have never been more highly disgusted with people and I know they have a right to be at the funeral but it's all a show to his wife. She's going to cry and carry on like she loved and cared about my grandma meanwhile my grandma never liked her. The woman thought she was marrying into a rich Jewish family and in the end it turns out we weren't rich at all. My uncle's wife was never liked by and of the elders in my family. My great great aunt always called her by the wrong name on purpose and my grandfather was only afraid that he would tell her.how much he hated her while he was on his death bed. My grandma always had her pinned as a troublemaker.... If there is any reason why my mom doesn't get along with her brother and her oldest sister is because of the shit storms this woman is forever creating.
I feel like if she makes a scene at my grandma's funeral I won't be able to contain myself. I've been waiting YEARS for the day I don't have to deal with this woman again.
I just keep reminding myself that God don't like ugly and karma will get her.
Any advice on how to make it through the funeral without wanting to tell everyone to go home because it's all an act for them?
Agree that it would save so many disputes if people would be very specific about their wishes; or follow my aunt's good example and give their jewellery away while they're still alive to supervise. Smart move on her part, and she was still around for us to thank her.
My younger brother started having a major fit calling all my siblings telling them that there were two gold coins that my dad had been holding for him in his safe (mind you, my dad passed in January) and that he wanted those back. He said they were a five dollar coin and a ten dollar coin. I guess my brother must have seen them when they were in my dad's safe and was guessing at what they were. They were a twenty dollar and 50peso gold coins. I said there wasn't a five or a ten dollar gold coin in there and if there had ever been they weren't any longer. I have slimy relatives. If you can't provide proof, then you can say anything after that person passes away. These things should all be taken care of prior to your loved ones death, otherwise SOL.
If your "aunt" causes a stink at your grandmother's funeral, try to remember that you are there for your grandmother and yourself, to say goodbye. It's a very emotional time and you will soon no longer have to deal with her (hopefully).
So sorry for your loss.
Take care. AND, yes, karma does come back to you.
The only thing that happened was my aunt's husband made a nasty comment that my dog was with us. (My dog is the family pet/ and helps me with anxiety attacks.) NOBODY was offended that my dog was there except for my mom's brother in law and sister in law and the Rabbi even gave the dog a blessing. (Notice the trouble makers are the two people who married into the family)
Also, have someone with you to help distract either the crazies or you. Also, some people are only nasty in private, so don't let them catch you by yourself. It sucks having to plan around nut jobs, but why should they spoil your celebration of your loved one's life?
The thoughtful part of my brain reminds me that unpleasant people are part of life, so have a prepared statement on the tip of your tongue like, "I'm sorry you feel that way. This service/reception is for people to remember (loved one) and celebrate their life. Your comments aren't appropriate. Please keep them to yourself." (I might write it on a card because I don't think fast under pressure.) Doing that will make you feel prepared and maybe less worried about their drama.
The snarky part of my brain envisions this scenario for you. When you're at a wake or reception, your friends will be keeping you company and if a nut job starts to say mean things to you, one of your friends will melodramatically cover your ears with their hands and cry out, "No, you don't need to hear this! Don't listen. La, la, la, la, la, la, la." Then people will stare at the annoying ones until they go away. Maybe it won't happen in real life, but it makes a nice picture to keep in your head for when you're nervous. Feel free to cover your own ears and La, la,la, la, if you have a theatrical bent.
And because the services will be held on Friday the 13th, you can always think to yourself, "I knew this was an unlucky day. THEY showed up." That way, you can smile when they walk up to you, which may confuse them.
Perhaps you could tell, black humor helps me through a lot of life's unpleasantness.
Star, about 25 years ago my jewelry was stolen. I got it all back except 2 pieces. Those pieces weren't valuable enough for a pawn broker and that is why they weren't recovered. But those were the most precious pieces to me, because of their associations. Sometimes I still miss them. So I understand what those earrings mean to you. I certainly hope someone is helping you put them on in your old age!
Captain- Its not just the earrings anymore. The cost of the funeral is being completely paid for by my aunt. My uncle hasn't offered to pay for a thing and my other aunt wont even return our phone calls. Instead she calls my uncle or has her daughter call us and her husband return phone calls. She made it a point to let us know via my uncle that one of my cousins was coming and that they will be keeping my cousin away from my mom. (My mom got over the issues with this cousin over 5 years ago) My uncle's wife made a huge deal about the obituary printed for my grandma because it counts my 4 half siblings as grandchildren but has no mention of her being a daughter in law (again the reporter told me they don't mention in laws because people will call and yell at them so they mention next of kin, nieces and nephews if the person doesn't have grandchildren or next of kin) My mom, aunt and my stomach have been in knots all day because we really have no idea how my uncle's wife and daughter are going to behave tomorrow.
Eyerishlass- We really wont be dealing with them after this and sadly we're changing the locks after tomorrow because don't know if my uncle has a key to the house or not. So we don't want to take any chances. It will just be my aunt, my mom and my siblings. My uncle and his family and my other aunt and her family have caused so much strain that we at one point began to regret putting the funeral on hold so that my aunt and her husband can fly up from the cruise they were on when my grandmother passed, even though my aunt kept asking if she should come up or go on the cruise, we were blindsided when she decided to side with her husband and go on the cruise and is now avoiding talking to my aunt and mother and me.
BoniChak, I've decided that my relatives have created their own karma, they will be acting up out of guilt and to hide many lies that were made up. I was with my grandma through all of this. She helped raise me, we've talked about these relatives and she probably wont be shocked as she watches down and sees how they act.
I'm sorry for the loss of your grandma.
Sunflo, the amusing thing about that was years ago this woman said she was going to have to take a valuim to get through the service because she didn't want certain relatives to show up. And even went as far as to say she would hire security to tell said people to leave. My mom and aunt both told me they want graveside and plan to pre pay everything. My uncle and his wife are acting like they knew my grandma's dying wishes but don't want to contribute a dime.
Countrymouse, I've decided that I will say nothing and just let her make a fool of herself. She's been doing a pretty dang good job of it these past few days. She's forcing my uncle to speak tomorrow words that she wrote for him. She talked several relatives into believing that my mother was going to start with the same relatives my uncle's wife was banning from the funeral. She's just crazy and gets her kicks out of destroying the family then running back as if nothing happened. But we know better now.
Meanwhile you could do worse than remember the blessing on hearing of a death - blessed are you O Lord our God, King of the Universe, the Judge of Truth.
Singularly apt for the circumstances, hm? My sympathies for your loss x
PS The rabbi will have seen worse, trust me.
As for me, I plan no obit for my mom and no funeral. I know her wishes for burial and will honor those, but my brother and I have no interest in a funeral and drama/trauma. She wants it all, but we don't see the point.
It's not a holiday, but it's a grieving time period. It's called Shiva and it's a 7 day grieving period from the day of the funeral and 6 days after. Family and friends come and help the family, they make meals and clean and stuff like that.
Geewiz, I'm just going to keep reading my eulogy so I can force my way though it without breaking down into hysterics. I have zero regrets. I was with my grandma on her dying days. I held her hand several times even telling her it was okay to let go and I will always love her.
Captain, this woman is more than unbalanced. She has written horrible things about me on Facebook, she allows my cousin to refer to me as a C**t and many other mean things. She's married into the family and she causes the most drama, she bosses my uncle around and was screaming like a raving lunatic in the background when my uncle flipped out that my half siblings were mentioned in the obituary. My grandma helped raise my siblings, they were here almost every weekend and she even took the extra 8 hr trip to another part of South Carolina to see them. My grandma was on the phone with her own sister and she got hung up on by her sister for talking about my half siblings.
If I keep reminding myself that god don't like ugly and that we will be in a graveyard tomorrow, she might end up with an evil spirit following her home.
geewiz' last sentence sums up my feelings also.