I am starting to hear negative things from my Mom which are directed at me. She never did before! I am her primary caregiver and find it very frustrating. Here are a few examples:
Last night when she was getting ready for her shower, she told me, "I have about as much confidence in you as I do in a fart." It really hurt my feelings and I was pretty taken aback. I seem to be on the receiving end of a lot of these comments
My son and her were having a conversation about hot dogs, when he said that he didn't eat them as they were made from body parts he found undesirable. When Mom said that that was not true, he said, "ask Mom". Her response was, "your Mom doesn't know anything."
I know that I shouldn't allow these comments to get under my skin, but it hurts. I seem to be the target of a lot of these type of comments. Any suggestions??
Judy - while you CAN legally get her signature on any paperwork, before any declaration of impairment, get her HPOA & DPOA in place (preferably an immediate DPOA, rather than one which allows action only dependent upon diagnosis of incompetency), as well as a Trust if necessary, a Will, and a nomination of conservator. Talk to a certified eldercare attorney (CELA or NAELA) in the county in which your mom resides. Don't make this "scary" for your mom by tying it to disability or end-of-life decisions. Keep it's about helping her, which is what you really want to do.
To me, the key word in your question is *becoming.* This type of behavioral change is typical of dementia. Do you have a diagnosis for her? If not, you might want to pursue this and it could help you understand that it's the disease talking and not your mother.
Based on experience with my own mother (95 with dementia), the best way to react to this type of abuse is to NOT react. Either I make a joke of it or at least keep the conversation (and I use that term loosely) on a light note. If all else fails and I feel myself reacting emotionally, I walk away or just keep quiet.
It doesn't get easier, so it's best to start now and lovingly detach your emotions. God bless and good luck.
But you asked how we cope. Ain't easy. I have to be really calm and get in the right frame of mind to call or visit. I steel myself ahead of time for a good time or bad time, always expecting the bad and relishing the brief good times when they happen.
My coping mechanisms. I come here for understanding and support for all those who have journeyed this hot mess before.
Secondly, I've read several books, talked to aging and senior services, and educated myself to rationalize that this is just the disease. NOT to say I don't feel bad! or feel that little girl hurt from mom at the moment and a few stinging hours after...but I have a nice cup of tea! or a vodka tonic! Lol and allow myself to vent, be angry at mom and then get over it and start anew.
This happened to me last night, and I'm putting one foot forward today as I have to work and attend a dinner mtg tonight.
Hugs to you. I'm reading "36 hour day" and wow, what an eye opener and empowerment to know what we are going thru and outbursts are SO universal???I'm blown away as so many paragraphs could have been written about my mom or FIL. Read it. I got mine from the library.
After my sister died and Mother had to go to the nursing home, she got her self esteem back, because she is among her peers. She isn't just sitting and wasting away. She had lots of bowel problems that kept her house bound - but the NH is helping with that.
I am for hiring whatever help that YOU need, to deal with your mom. This is your life and you deserve to be treated well. If it means sending Mom to respite care, then, do it.
One day I sat down with my mom and related some examples (just 2). I asked her why she was feeling that way and what had changed. She was introspective and said she didn't know. I told her that I thought she was afraid and even though I understood that might be the reason she was nasty, it still hurt me none the less.
She acknowledged what she was doing and said she would try to be better, but she never really was. At one point, my brother, who only visited her once or twice a year (her "prince"), told her she was killing me with her unreasonable demands. She tried again to be nicer, but she wasn't.
In retrospect, I think she was afraid. Afraid of what was happening to her physically and scared. It still hurt my feelings all the time and I was always on edge.
Someone on this site told me to tell her I love her every day and hug her if I could. I tried and a few short years later, she passed away. I'm glad for the kindness I could show her... even though I was far from perfect.
The night before my mom passed away, I changed the nail polish color she hated and I made a lovely pasta dinner with her. I tucked her in bed with a warm blanket and gave her water and fruit by her bedside. She was worried about whether the sheets were well made... I remember how snippy she was that night, exasperated with me. I will be forever thankful that I was kind because I will never have the chance to be kind to her again. I was blessed that she was a good Mom for many years when I was little.
It's a very difficult time. Try to find a way to sit calmly and talk about it and then try to not let it hurt so much (I know that's impossible).
You will remember the kindnesses you shared for the rest of your life and that will be a blessing in the long run.
I have found very helpful Teepa Snow. She has helped me to see how my father would see my actions as "treating him like a child." Maybe if you watch her mini YouTube videos, you WILL learn a lot. I learned how to deep breathe from her - without getting dizzy/lightheadedness. She also has several other kinds of videos. Just click it all and learn.
Google: Teepa Snow - Making Visits Valuable.