How do I deal with a sick mother who expects too much to visit her in the hospital and to stay overnight?

I agree with some of the other answers. You have been caring for your mother for 20 years, it's time for you to look after yourself. Your mother is in hospital and can be care for by the staff. If she doesn't like it, that's too bad. You need time for you. Elderly people can get very self centered when it comes to those who care for them. They think they can dictate to loving family what they want. Trouble is, people like you need a break and she doesn't realise it. If you weren't there to look after your mother, who would do it? She would be in hospital care anyway. All the best. Arlene Hutcheon

musician - you need to put yourself first and let the professionals look after your mum. As others have suggested, get help in finding a place for yourself - even a shelter for now as they will help you get independent. You need to build your own life, and be independent in all ways. Unfortunately dysfunctional narcissistic mothers train their children to be servants and have no concern for the child and their needs. That is what you are caught up in.

A very good friend had a husband in hospital with cancer. She visited him daily but stayed at home at night and took mornings for herself. She had coffee, read her newspaper and then went out for late breakfast with friends. She told me that she knew her hub wanted her there sooner but she needed that time for herself. They had a very good marriage. He died from the cancer, but she had no regrets and her life went on afterwards. It taught me a lesson. At various times my mother would have had me give up my life to look after her needs. It was an ongoing battle to look after myself. I would never have lived with her. Keep in touch and let us know how you are.

You mentioned she died twice. Do you think this may be at least part of the reason why she doesn't want to be alone? She may have seen something in the afterlife that scared her, and she just doesn't want to be alone for fear of going back to that terrible place, this is possible because there really is a hell to fear, and only Jesus can redeem his soul. This is the only way to eliminate fear of death.

As for that check, I don't know what the situation is on that since I'm not there to see it. I don't know if she's asking for things and you're buying it, or if she has access to your money. Whatever's going on, you can put a stop to it, and here's how:

If she's asking for stuff, instead of using your money, use her money instead since she most likely has an income from Social Security. You just can't live well without some form of income, which is why I suggested using her money to get what she wants if she asks for stuff. If you use the debit cards like I do, leave yours at home and bring hers to the hospital instead. That way, you don't act on automatic behavior to spend your money when really you need it for yourself. Next time she asks for something, make her pay for it by using her money to get it, and save your own wallet from added expense.

If she's currently without income, sign her up for Social Security and stop using your money to buy her stuff, especially if this is frequent. You can start putting your foot down and teaching yourself to just say no. Doing it for the first time or two will be hard but not impossible. The person may throw a fit, making that first time or two much harder, but stick to your decision. Again, leave your own card at home and never carry cash, keep it all in the bank. That way, you're not tempted to spend money where you shouldn't such as what you're describing. When you're away from the patient, you can then get your own card and tend to your own needs. You can run your debit card as credit, the new ones have microchips, and new card readers have a special slot to insert your card. When you're shopping to take care of your own needs, if you see a product he wants, don't put it in the cart! Pass it up and just say no. Practice mentally putting yourself in a situation that drained you financially. Picture him mentally, and imagine him asking for something. Now during this meditation as you may call it, practice telling him no. Do this repeatedly until you feel ready to face him and say it to his face. It may start with practicing in a mental state by pretending you're back in the situation, this works for me when it's needed at different times in my life. If I don't with something I never dealt with before, and I find it to be a repeated thing, this little trick comes in handy. This is part of the reason why it's healthy to have alone time, it gives you time to reflect on the good and bad. Those heart touching good things actually help you get through bad times as I've experienced. When you must reflect on a problem, this is why we need time alone to actually think and reflect. This is how plans are made for change and improvement. This is how we can change our own behavior when we have an upsetting problem that upsets us so bad that we get to a point we must face the person and speak up. This is probably going to be required in order for you to stand your ground when setting a boundary because it's not fair to you to be constantly broke. If you don't have an individual account, it would be a smart move to go ahead and open one. You don't have to be on a joint account with this person. You can have the bank remove one of the names, and one of you gets the new account by yourselves. That way, each of you has your own separate account with your own money and everyone's happy.

OK, sounds like you bit off more than you can chew. I had an elderly friend of mine who wanted me there all the time when he had his own apartment. However, there were times I had to do other things or even visit other people. I had to remind him that I had my own life and definitely my own home.

Staying at the hospital with someone or even overnight is not something I would do without the ability to actually rent an extra bed because there's no way I can sleep well (if at all) anywhere else but a good bed. Losing even one night of sleep after being up all day makes it unsafe to drive or do other things because you're very tired and groggy. If I couldn't get accommodation, I just would not spend the night at the hospital. I just won't do it, and I would head home and switch off the ringer. Let the answering machine pick up the calls while you sleep, but turn the volume all the way down and catch the messages later. Switch off your cell phone, it can wait. Take a break and definitely get some rest as mentioned here. You don't have to spend all that time at the hospital, you can step back away from it, (out of sight, out of mind).

Set a time frame when you're willing to visit, but only do so as you feel ready. Set boundaries and walk out as soon as he starts with you. When you walk out, go straight to the nurses station and report the incident to them. They will get a hold of the doctor, and the doctor will be able to handle it from there.

Most importantly, don't hurt yourself! It may be that caregiving is not for you, and that's OK! You don't have to try to do something you're clearly not cut out for. If you are cut out for it, find your limits and don't exceed them. Boundaries is part of staying within your limits. If you stay within your limits, you'll feel better

I hope you continue to read all the good information posted above.They can be daily reminders that what you are doing is what is best for you. You need a break . Do you have any local friends? And believe it , any form of exercise for you will help...it can clear your mind and hopefully help you rest better. How old is Mom? Will she likely continue like this? She spends your check??? Maybe you need a social worker to help you find a group home or other environment to live in. After 20 years, this is a lifelong habit and you might need some gentle counseling to learn how to break the cycle. It is not abandoning your Mom. Your desperate solution..."to end it all" is being heard. Please answer your own call for help! You certainly deserve it. Keep us posted.

yesterday they had to debride a wound she expected me to be there.....but i told her no i need a day .....and at this point let me know when she wants me out of the house cause i rather live homeless than live like this forever .....she told me that she was better off dead than asking me for a favor .....so i finally told her ...dont you dare tell me that after all i ever done for you .....so i didnt go she told me i should have been there ...so i told her you know what ley me know when you want me out of the house cause i cant think this anymore .....she called me back and said everything fine

thank you all for advice and guidance ......i am humble to see you all care ......i sure could use cyber friends ......thank you all from the bottom of my heart ....god bless you alll.......i will keep you guys updated........once thanks so much

thank you so much........i will and have already little by little......i will continue to do so......cause i feel suicide is my only option out

Please take care of yourself first!!

The feelings of "wanting out" of what seems to be a never ending situation are normal, but don't act hastily!

As far as staying overnight in the hospital--well--my hubby had a liver transplant and then a horrible post op infection. He was in and out of the hospital several times. He never wanted me to leave his side..BUT, I still had a kid living at home, I had a yard and a house and all that goes along with it. Staying at the hospital meant trying to sleep sitting up in a plastic chair....I did, a couple of times and then wound up with a migraine from stress and lack of sleep.

Hubby would sleep all day, every day. I was getting sick. Finally I did talk to the social worker and she talked to his drs. They made a point of telling him, many times, that I was going to be stressed to the gills caring for him AT HOME when he came home and by insisting I never leave him alone and never getting my rest was jeopardizing his chances of being able to go home and not to a rehab facility. Then they would actually MAKE me go home. He'd call at 5 or 6 am whining "why wasn't I there yet?"...when I had left him 6 hrs earlier.

Tough love is what it took. Also I assigned some of the kids days to stay with dad. I called his brother in from Iowa to stay for a few days.

I barely made it through his very long and difficult recovery. I'm glad I learned t self-preserve. A sick caregiver is useless.

I hope you find some respite--and try not to let mom guilt you. There are plenty of people in the hospital taking care of mom. You take care of you first.

I can relate to your comment. I was there and to some degree still am. Caregiving never was something that crossed my mind, but it just kind of happens. In my case I am caring for my mother.
First of all, what you have sacrificed for your mother all these years holds great redeeming and immeasurable value with God. The world can not see all that you have done but God can.
While you may feel things closing around you just try to relax and go to God for help. He will put the right people in your path that will help you.

I paused to look at your profile. Has your mother had heart problems since you were 18? Are the strokes recent, as part of the current episode? It is unusual to be in the hospital for several weeks. Is she in the transitional care unit? (Sometimes called the "swing bed" unit.)

What is the long-term plan for her? Are they expecting she'll be able to return home, or have they suggested you start looking for a care center for her?

Has she lived with her partner long? How is that person holding up?

Here is the simple truth: You do not owe your mother financial support. You do not need to give up your life taking care of her. See that she is taken care of? Sure. Do all the caring yourself? Nope. That is not your responsibility.

This isn't going to all resolve itself with a conversation with the social worker. But that will be a great first step. If you are on disability you should also talk to your caseworker about options for housing for you on your own.

The situation is so bad that you wish you could kill yourself. That is pretty severe! So it needs to be fixed. The good news is that it can be! Things can be improved greatly once you are in touch with the right resources.

Please continue to post on here. We'll be your cyber friends!

And if you have suicidal thoughts, PLEASE call a suicide hotline at any time of the night or day. Things look bleak now, but you deserve to look forward to a better life. Reach out for any help available to keep you on that track.

I'm going to echo yogagirl here. Get some rest and talk to the social worker at the hospital.

If you tell her or him that you can't continue to stay with your mother every other night, she/he will probably tell you to stop doing it. That is not a medical requirement or an adult child's duty.

It is very hard on the elderly and especially on persons not in their right minds to stay in a hospital. It is not surprising that they want a familiar loved one with them. When my husband was in the hospital (he had dementia) I made sure that one of our children or I were with him all the time. But their were several of us, and that was for 5 days! So I can't say that your mother's wishes are unreasonable, but, gee, that is really too much to ask of you. You should be able to get a little respite while someone else is caring for Mom, not spending every other night in a hospital.

Musician, please get some good rest and talk to the social worker
at the hospital. Tell the social worker about your situation.