We have been together from the start. Now that she is declining in age her personality started to change. She is always angry or stressed. She isn't happy anymore. The simplest thing sets her off and she becomes either really angry or sad.
It feels like there is no reasoning with her. I can't share my issues or concerns with her because it doesn't register and she forgets it.
Her memory is declining rapidly and it makes her both angry and sad. It's really tough for both of us but I feel ill prepared to give the amount of patience and cautious care she requires.
It's like walking on egg shells.
Anyone have some advice?
If she has already been dxed with some kind of dementia, I would not force her to go to counseling. IF she likes the practitioner and it calms her, fine, but otherwise counseling isn't going to help her condition. I would still consult with her regular doctor - there are some medications that might help tone down her behavior, if it gets bad.
If this is some kind of dementia, definitely read up on all that you can. Knowledge is so helpful when dealing with this condition. There are many symptoms, but everyone progresses at their own rate and don't always follow the typical breakout shown for the stages of dementia. At least if you know what to expect, and possible ways to deal with the behaviors, it will help you.
It is hard. It is frustrating. It is thankless. If you can learn more and be better "armed" to deal with what dementia throws at you, it can be less difficult and less frustrating. Understand first and foremost that if she has dementia, whatever she says and does is the dementia talking, not your mom.
Make time for yourself, even if it is just to be alone. Learn how to redirect/refocus mom (not always possible, but at least try!) Suggest a snack or cup of tea, a walk outside, or whatever she likes that might get her off the rampage. Learn how to count to 10 or walk away to recompose yourself if you feel the frustration building up - a bathroom run is always a good excuse! Don't try to argue, correct or convince her that whatever she is saying is wrong - it will only lead to anger and frustration for you both! Agree whenever possible. If something she wants to do is a safety issue, you will have to try to refocus her onto something else. The repetition does grate your nerves - like a toddler asking why 200 times! Unless you can somehow change her focus onto something else, you just have to half "listen" and give as minimal a reply as you can. Okay, that's nice, maybe later, we'll see... Typical mom-type answers to that toddler WHY WHY WHY!! My brother would go into detail responding to mom, only to have to repeat it over and over. I would be as brief as possible, sometimes no response, as it doesn't generally stick! If you can move her along to another topic, something more pleasant, or turn her statements/questions around and ask her, it might give her something else to talk about!
Seek out whatever help you can find that is available (probably not a lot at the moment.) Read about dementia - even Wikipedia has a good write up, but Alz.org, this site, many reputable sites where you can learn about the disorders and suggestions for how to deal/cope with behaviors. As with any searching on the internet, beware of charlatans who will pimp out cures - if she has some form of dementia, there is no cure!
If all else fails, you've found this site! We understand, many of us have been down the same or very similar road, and often you can get good advice for how to handle things.
Mum is awesome. Its just the repetition and the emotional bits. It's just a lot. Seems my memory started taking a toll as well. I've also started forgetting things. Leaving doors open, entering a room and forgetting what I went for. My counsellor says it's stress but it's frightening.
See an eldercare attorney if she is not already on Medicaid and anticipate nursing home placement in the foreseeable future.
I'd also keep in mind that while it's frustrating to have to live with someone who is going through this, it's not really them who are causing the discord, but, their illness that is causing them to be that way. If she does have dementia, it's due to brain damage of some sort. So, whenever, my LO would be cross, unreasonable, demanding, delusional, etc., I'd try to agree with her and jump on her side. It would catch her off guard and sometimes stop her in her tracks. Like, if she said that I spilled grease on her counter tops, which I did not do, I'd say, so sorry. I'm so clumsy. I'll clean it up now and promise to do better. I love your lovely counter tops and would not intentionally damage them. She would accept things like that for a little while, whereas if I denied it was grease and say it was spot of water, she'd argue and become enraged. So, I learned to agree, redirect and praise her as often as I could, to keep her in a good mood. It's very hard though. Also, once this stage fades, other issues may emerge, like incontinence, sleep disorders, refusal to accept bathing, refusal to take medications, etc. So, as they progress, it usually gets more difficult, not less. I'd explore long range options for her care.
You might also check out Teepa Snow videos on dementia on you tube. She has some helpful tips.
Please do look for a municipal ‘agency on aging’ that may be near you like someone suggested.
On the B12 thing, I’d just get a high quality B complex supplement in the meantime, no risk there and it’s good for so many of us for so many reasons.
And yes, I’d try dragging her to the meetings again. :)
Bless you, best wishes. 💐
Check your mom's vitamin B12 levels, my mom have had some improvements.
Of course it's not a miracle cure, but it's worth trying.
Sending you a huge hug and lots of empathy.
This is the disease. It will not get better and Mom is young.
This forum has helped me deal with my Moms Dementia but maybe u can find a support group in ur area. Call your County Office of Aging. My Church has a group. Read. The more you understand and learn to cope with this new "norm" the better. Realize though, that this may be more than u can handle alone. Don't quit a job. You need that credit towards SS and your future. Know when Mom needs more thanvu can give. There is Medicaid if she can't afford care.
I am not equipped at this time in my life to do it and its just me.
Reasoning with someone with dementia is something that will drive you right up the wall and into burnout.
Get her to a geriatric psychiatrist and have her evaluated for meds. It will save your sanity and hers.
We are in the Caribbean on a small island not sure if i'll get someone that specializes but I would try to find the next best thing.
Thanks