Hi all - my grandpa died at age 98 of aspiration pneumonia earlier this month. Until March of this year, my grandparents were both doing amazing living in their home and taking care of themselves. It was remarkable.
Unfortunately, just 4 days after my grandpa died, my grandma fell and broke her hip. This was surprising to all of us considering she was so well previously.
since then, surgery and grief exhaustion has caught up with her - which I totally understand after a crazy few weeks. Always an anxious person, she is in a mental crisis and it’s tough to watch.
At my visit today, she plainly said she doesn’t want to live anymore and has no intention of trying to get stronger or better in any way. She doesn’t want to eat or take any of her existing medications right now.
As you can probably imagine, I’m at a loss and very sad for many reasons. Has anyone else experienced anything like this stretch of time? What can I do? What SHOULD I do? I feel so helpless right now 😞
My dad died before my mom. She missed him terribly but seemed to cope with her loss fairly well. She lived to be 95. She had her share of suffering. She had Parkinson’s disease. Mom was tired. She never expected to live as long as she did. Occasionally, she would make a comment about being ready to join my father. They were married for almost 56 years.
I understood how she felt and felt that she was entitled to her feelings. So, I honored her feelings. I told her that I understood why she felt as she did. I didn’t tell her things like, ‘Oh, you shouldn’t feel like that or Don’t say that.’ She was comforted by my understanding her feelings.
Meet her where she is. Hey, you might feel the same way, if you were her age!
Best wishes to you and your family. Take care.
Yes you are grieving too 😥
"Has anyone else experienced anything like this stretch of time?"
A colleague lost both elderly parents, him first (unexpected) she became confused with grief/delerium, fell, #hip, more delerium, refused to eat, passed within weeks. Yes it can happen like this. I have heard many tales similar & I'm with FunkyGrandma, focus on the good story here. Two long long lives & a short time apart.
"What can I do?"
Visit & hold her hand. Thank her for being your Grandma. Help support your family. Find or connect with supportive people for yourself. (Some friends won't get it, won't be supportive, you don't need them now).
"What SHOULD I do?"
Do no harm.
I say when an elderly person wishes to die, leave her or him alone.
This happened to my father. His entire life until the age of 90 he enjoyed robust health, great looks, and was still athletic golfing, bowling, swimming, driving, cooking, and living independently. He didn't have a moment of dementia either.
Then he had a stroke. He didn't die from it. At first he was doing a lot of physical, speech, and occupational therapy. Then insurance stopped paying for this and he was then just room and board care in the facility. He knew that he wasn't getting out of the nursing home. This is when he gave up and I think willed himself dead. He stopped letting the staff get him out of bed. He didn't want to eat.
It took seven months for him to die because his body was still strong and in good shape. He wanted to go though. He was ready. I think your grandma is too.
Visit her as much as you can. There's nothing you or anyone else can do for her except be there. She wants you there.
I pray when it comes to me that my kids will let me go with respect of my choices , love and understanding ..
My husband and his brothers were concerned that their mother wouldn't survive her husband's death, however she was much younger than your grandmother and did survive many years.
If your GF was 98, then I am presuming your grandmother is of a similar age. A broken hip can be a game changer with health of an elder. She has been through a lot in the last couple of months and I'm sure it wearing her down that her desire to live has become non-existent. Have her dr provide a referral for hospice and consult hospice providers and find a good fit for GM and the family.
My father at 89 was tired of living and continued until he was 91. When he landed in hospital with CHF, AFIB, leaky heart valve +. When he got home from rehab he stated he was done - no more rehab no more active treatment. We used a not for profit hospice provider and were very pleased with the services they provided dad and mom.
Know placing GM on hospice doesn't mean death is imminent - my dad lived for another 6 months - some live longer, some live shorter, some graduate from hospice.
Try and honor GM's wishes and love and support her.
Please get your mother a hospice evaluation right away to honor her wishes. Extending an elders life beyond their wishes isn't fair to them at all. Death isn't the end but a new beginning where your grandparents will be reunited once again in eternal love. Of course its hard to say goodbye to our loved ones, but its part of the cycle of life we all must endure.
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
He died from prostrate cancer, it had spread before the family noticed anything was wrong. He was gone in a few weeks.
Grandma who had been in relative good health, just mild dementia and angina lasted about 4 months.
They were in their late 80’s.
We have family friends in their 80’s, the wife died in February, he is not well and it will be a surprise if he gets to the end of the year.
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