Hello! Sorry, me again. I’ve posted on here before but am at my wits end. My 92 year old, (going on 4) mother lives in her own apartment in a very nice senior community. She has held on to her delusion that she is sleeping on the same mattress she had on her honeymoon (69 years ago) despite buying 2 new mattresses since she has moved there 5 years ago to the tune of $4,400.00 . She does not have the money to piss away because she will need AL. Despite me, my husband, my brother , Sr. community staff, APS social worker and sister in-law all trying to reason with her that this is not true and that she is sleeping on her second new mattress, she continues to perseverate, whine, bully, and remains obsessed with this FOR 3 LONG YEARS NOW! Now she is telling everyone who will listen that me, her evil daughter, is making her sleep on a 69 year old mattress. She has been shown the receipts, with HER NAME, HER ADDRESS, HER signature, delivery date, purchase price and she tells us we are lying to her and the receipts are fake. She refuses to accept that she has dementia, impaired memory, and to take meds DR has prescribed for her for anxiety. Because he is trying to “send me to a nursing home." The APS Social Worker, per my request, came to her apt. found her to be competent, because she is still independent in her cares. She needs her money for a looming move to AL but refuses to even consider she will need more help. Because of her constant badgering and whining, I have basically gone no contact with her, and have her groceries delivered. I am down to seeing her once a month but I can’t stand being around her anymore. The mattress supersedes any interest she has in her family or kids or grandkids. I had surgery and all she talked about was this f'#*ng mattress while I was trying to rest and recover. I have blocked her on my cell phone and now she is sending letters (may be useful to me in court). She refuses to be assessed for Dementia/Alzheimer’s. Everyone I have pleaded with for help walks on eggshells because she is such a nasty Narcissist and bully. Do I get her a new mattress just to shut her up? No guarantee that she will remember buying a third one. Her twin sister died two years ago from late stage dementia, and her older sister had Parkinson’s, but they were realistic and accepted the help they needed instead of trying to put their kids in a grave before them. She feels she is “special" and immune to aging and dementia! I am looking for HELP! She is driving me insane!
*deflection*
Every call, advise Mom to go talk to her Doctor. To talk about the mattress? YES. Coz maybe it IS actually sleep problems? Or arthritis pain. Nothing to lose...
Or maybe she will rant on solely about the dang mattress for 10 minutes straight until the Doctor HEARS there is a cognitive issue going on here.
However this won't mean she consents to any scans/tests.. But I wonder... If you encouraged Mom to go talk to her Doctor EVERY DAY about it... Pester the Doctor..? How would that go? Receptionist: "Doctor, Mrs Mattress is in the lobby again, will I send her through?"
Anyone tried that?
Hope I gave you a laugh today, even if no actual help. It's a tricky one..
THIS is a brilliant little saying that has helped me a lot.
"She is in lala land and refuses to even discuss enhanced help and will end up in nursing home . Oh well".
This is it.
Repeat this to yourself. Until you believe it.
I think it was JoAnn? that said the stubborn find themselves in a nursing home faster!
When I read that she tells everyone that you make her sleep on a 69 year old mattress, I think that I would respond with, "yep, only because I couldn't find an older one" and then laugh. Maybe say, "As if! I could make you do anything!
She could change the mattress, if she was capable. Is this something that APS was told by her? Any half wit would understand that she can do something about this, if she has executive function. If not, maybe she is showtiming. Unfortunately, I think that APS has a high burn-out rate and it is staffed with recemt, idealistic college grads that have never dealt with the realities of dementia. They are taught that autonomy is top and foremost in calls, so the situation has to be pretty egregious for them to intervene in any way.
You are in a very sad position of becoming a statistic if you don't find a way to stop letting her broken brain stress you out.
I would encourage you to NOT read her letters, keep the phone on do not disturb and don't listen to voicemails. You are in charge of what you do or not with her.
My mom is in a similar situation and I know that I can not help her and I refuse to be her pizzing post. It is so sad knowing that one day I will get a call that she is hospitalized or dead but, I know that I have done everything that I could and she chose this life. I can't sacrifice my family or me at her alter of nutso. Even if I did, I would screw that up too, so what's the point?
You matter! Please find a way to not get caught up with her craziness, nothing you do or say is going to help her, so please help yourself.
I can’t believe how many of us are in this situation. And it’s almost ALWAYS a mean, elderly MOTHER against the DAUGHTER.
The asinine nonsense about the 69 year old matress and the extreme stubborness about taking any medications that can help or allowing help to come in are all tell-tale symptoms of dementia.
You are not responsible for her. You've done everything you can already. Now it's time for APS and social services to do their jobs.
Your mother cannot remain living on her own and she will not 'agree' to any kind of help or relocating. Do not buy her a new mattress because that will be nothing but a colossal waste of money.
You don't necessarily have to go No-Contact with her. You also do not have to ever tolerate her verbal abuse and bullying. When she starts up about the mattress and the insults you tell her plainly and with plain speech as not to be misunderstood this response:
'Your mattress is fine and I refuse too discuss this nonsense with you. If you are going to continue with it I will be hanging up/leaving and will not take your calls/return for a very long time'.
Do this every time you interact with her on the phone or in person and you do it only once each time you see or talk to her. If she keeps up with the mattress talk totally ignore it. Or hang up/leave. In the meantime, don't let APS off the hook. Continue harassing them about her being an 'at-risk' senior because she has dementia. Keep a those letters she writes you and send copies of them to APS. Make sure you have proof that you sent them and reached out to them for help. Also because you will need them if you petition for conservatorship over her. If (God forbid) something unfortunate happens to her because she was left living unsupervised and is incompetent from dementia, you can prove you didn't have the legal authority to have her placed in care.
Try writing the purchase date on her current mattress with a Sharpie. Act surprised when you "find" it written there.
The other option is to use the mattress bullying to my advantage as a bargaining chip and tell her she will get to,pick out a new mattress if she allows staff to provide " enhanced " services to her..ie checking medication and eyeballing her day to day function...as a precusursor to moving her into Assisted Living there soon. Where she lives requires 2 years of private pay before State assistance is accepted . They are willing to shorten that period a bit because she has lived there for 5 years . So the clock needs to start ticking or she will run put of money before then. She is in lala land and refuses to even discuss enhanced help and will end up in nursing home . Oh well.
You are obviously not ignoring the woman if you are asking questions about whether or not to get her another new mattress. You say, "Anything I suggest she sabotages, obstructs and refuses" which means you are making suggestions to her that she has the opportunity TO refuse. Stop doing that.
You say, "There is a mattress store 2 blocks from her apartment that I could get her a cab to take to....." is yet another attempt to pacify a woman with dementia which will not work. What makes you think that if you do this, she won't forget in a week that this is yet ANOTHER new mattress, and insist it too is 69 years old and that she needs a new one?
You are still interacting with your mother & causing a back-and-forth communication with her that's the cause of your misery. Stop doing that entirely, is my suggestion. Just get her the groceries and ignore all the rest of the nonsense, b/c it will always BE nonsense even if you 'cure' this issue, she'll create another one. That's how dementia works. OCD to the 9th degree.
The "HELP" you need is within your own reach: nobody here can give you the tools you don't already HAVE available to you: the power to stop the back-and-forth communication game that's keeping the crazy-making alive & well.
Good luck to you.
Oh, before wrapping, can the mattress be flipped over, or is it now one of those that one can only use one side of it thus only turning works? Years ago we could flip and turn and it would feel like a new mattress. If not, turn the mattress around.
When Mom comes home, tell her you bought her a new mattress. Chances are she won't know it is the mattress she had bought a couple of years ago.
leave her apt, she insists that she has to pick out the mattress so she knows it is new and she insists on being there when it is delivered. Crazy like a fox . Anything I suggest she sabotages, obstructs and refuses. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to me. No easy answers. . There is a mattress store 2 blocks from her apartment that I could get her a cab to take to, but she refuses to get a debit card and they dont take checks. Thank God my husband and I purchased long term care insurance years ago so we dont have to put our kids through this neverending hell.
Something has broken in her brain & caused this obsessional loop.
Reading again, I think that is all you can do: Await the crises that will force change upon her.
I suppose I would next have a good think about how much 'propping up' I would continue. Continue to order groceries etc... Or consider winding up your support to force the change faster? Not talking about letting her starve.. but just starting the next conversation.
Whatever APS say about her being competent.. Odd delusion aside, is Mom looking after herself? Can she obtain her own groceries? Meds? Arrange her daily life?
PS if Mom wants that new mattress, she can go buy it herself..
People, as they slip and slide into senescence, often lose all sense of time, space, moving from point A-B and just the basics of daily life. They can get stuck, for lack of a better word, in one stage of life, or on one topic.
My MIL tells the story of my DH's birth, almost word for word and has done so on many occasions, much to the irritation of my DH and the 'amusement' of everyone else. Dh is 70, almost 71 and as she tells this story, you get the feeling that it happened YESTERDAY, but it was nearly 71 years ago.
EVERY.SINGLE.TIME she tells the story, someone steps in and says "so when did this HAPPEN?" obviously trying to get her aligned in times. It never works.
Don't buy Mom another mattress. Unless she needs one. This is something that is stuck in her mind and you cannot jar it loose.
I feel for you. This thing with my MIL is annoying as all get out. At least I don't have to deal with it. DH has a pretty thick skin.
Sometimes it's okay to go along with a delusion if it's harmless. When a person is far gone with dementia it doesn't do them any good to be reminded that someone they loved died or that they're not living in a happy period of their past. There's no harm in that.