My 77 year old mother has Dementia. Diagnosed in November 2012. She is on Aricept since January 2013. Tonight she called the police because her drivers license expired in October when she was in the hospital of an accuse UTI, a TMA and signs of altered mental status. She says we are preventing her from driving. Her Doctors have all recommend she can no longer drive due to her Dementia. She refuses to try to understand that she is sick. She is also a fall risk due to her bad knees and requires 24 hours care. She refuse any outside help. I had to move back home after being gone (living over 1000 miles away)for 30 years to be her primary care giver. My brother lives in the same city (but has his own apartment) as my mother, but had been in denial about her mental decline until asked by her neurologist in December. I am 47 years old. Single. No kids.
The police came and said it was a civil manor. They understood she's sick but there was nothing they could do. She of course will refuse a power of attorney and is asking us to move out of her house. HELP!
I went out to do an errand, came back 1 1/2 hr later. She didn't know where I was, so called the cops to report me as a missing person. I was home again when the police arrived. She couldn't remember why she had called them, so said I was stealing from her and she wanted me to leave. He asked "what did she steal?" The answer was "stuff". She couldn't name anything. The cop was great. He seemed to see what the story was, and worded things to give me hints. I got his his hint , and said to my aunt. "ok, I'll leave, but can I stay tonight?" She said ok. The cop looked pleased and left. By morning, she had forgotten all about this. It had blown over.
Oh, and BTW, the policeman also contacted the town's Dept of Elder Affairs. They dropped over to see what support services they could offer.
Wish I could have told you my story before this happened to you!
You have my prayers and good wishes.
That problem of decompensating and getting combative with any infection or illness was what finally made me realize there was absolutely no way Mom could go back home and live on her own as she so deeply wished, even with a LifeLine and the world's best neighbors.
You and your brother need to have a talk ASAP. Your mother will fight you.
One of you may have to play "bad cop" in order to get her to sign DPOA with the other. This needs to be done before she is OFFICIALLY declared "incompetant", so you need to move fast fast fast! Make sure that your brother knows you will support him/assist, & he can be a figurehead if he wants (be prepared to allow him to make decisions that you disagree with -- if they don't actually endanger your Mom or others (driving!) decide ahead of time that you will give in.
Be sneaky with the car (remove the distributer cap and it "won't run", disconnect starter wires, whatever), sabotage her key so it won't work (hide the working key), when the car "doesn't work" offer to drive her where-ever. (if she has a mechanic, let him in on what/why if it gets that far, so he can delay by needing to order parts, etc..
Don't argue with your Mom's bad logic, as this will just make it worse. From experience it's hard as heck, especially at the beginning of this when she SOUNDS normal. Don't know how much you can tell family members (ie her sister), as they may be at the beginning of this.
Also, if you CAN do DPOA it is much cheaper than conservatorship (by at least $25k in lawyers fees alone if you are the conservator, plus book-keeping, court fees, investigator fees etc.. etc. etc. that can easily be $5-10k/year for the rest of your Mom's life)
You DO probably need help, but please don't let yourselves get talked into a professional conservator--hire things done if necessary, but keep control of your mother in the family.
The "good kid/bad kid" thing -- your mother needs a scapegoat to blame for why people are trying to stop her from doing things, & it sounds like she's decided it's you (could be less afraid that you will abandon her, may think she can manipulate your bro more easily...).
Please be sympathetic with the terror that she will be for the next 6 months -- she is likely to know in some part of her mind that she is losing one of the things that she values most --her mind. It's like the worst sort of death sentence for someone who is very bright.
I don't know what state you are in, but in CA a Dr. can contact the DMV to have a lic. suspended for medical reasons that create a danger (black-outs, dementia, seizures, etc). , but no lic. may not stop your Mom.
I told my mother my blood pressure was up and that I had a migraine (white lie) and that I needed to relax and rest in my room for the say. She said do you want to go to the doctor? I said no I just need to relax. She said you go on and relax then. She was talking with a neighbor (they know her condition) so thank God the guy was patient with her. She was sweeping and planting her flowers she purchased from home depot. Hopefully she will have a good nights sleep AFTER a bath tonight!
Thanks for letting me vent.
How old was your mother when she went 'away' did she have advanced Dementia? Is she in a nursing home? My mother has no savings and cannot afford an assistive living facility. She also has a mortgage. Her house is "underwater".
My brother takes her for outings in is car and to the movies. I can't drive with her because we will argue and I am afraid I will have an accident. She does nothing but criticize me because my life didn't turn out like she wanted it to.
Her girlfriend tales her to the hair salon twice a month and she has monthly bridge clubs (but I doubt they will let her host again since she's not always herself.
I too have mourned the loss of "my mom" or wishing her to thank me, be grateful for all I've done or apologize.
I am waiting for the next event where she ends up in the hospital and case manager or social worker makes her move into a care facility.
Thank you for your reply. This really makes me feel better and not alone.
Yes, she had a mimi stroke i Oct/Nov that are not detectable easily but not a major stroke (brain bleeding) and she was confused so her doctor had her pre-admited thinking she had a stroke. Turns out she had an ACCUTE SEVERE UTI that caused the confusion.
She is still mentally competent but her short term memory is declining.
Her Neurologist said it was caused by Metabolic encephalopathy, but now that my brother admitted that he thought it was due to old age and perhaps it's dementia.
She was driving had her bridge club noted at her house the Friday before she went into the hospital the following Thursday...and refused to go. Her doctor had to call for 3 hours straight to get her to go. My brother was at home with her. I was spending the week with my father in Arkansas who will be 81 and is active and sound mind.
The neurologist prescribed the Aricept because she said if its given at the early signs, it can slow the progress. Of course there is no cure.
Today she is gardening so she's calm, but yesterday she had my brother drive her to her doctor with no appointment. I have no idea what happened or what was said and I just can't take calling him to find out. My nerves are shot.
The nurse called me on my cell phone because my brother just dropped her off and went to get gas. She told me that one of us has to escort her when she goes to the doctor and they were wondering how she go there.
He finally went up to the office but I didn't even ask or wanted to know if she created a scene.
I took the bus downtown because it was a nice day yesterday only to have it ruined by getting the call fro the nurse and my brother getting mad at me because he felt he did nothing wrong.
Let's hope she tires herself out gardening this afternoon. She loves her flowers. I'm in my room decompressing and will go pick up her refill meds later this evening to get out the house. I don't want her to see me driving the car out of the garage because tthat might start an episode.
You said license is expired. Write the DMV and explain her condition, and provide dr contact info; tell them you do not want them to renew her license. There is a form on the DMV website that you can download and fill out. They won't reveal a relative so she won't know it is you. Tell her she can't drive on expired license, then take her and let DMV tell her they can't renew the license without her doctor's signature. That should stop this.
Sell the car so she doesn't have to look at and be reminded its one more loss of independence.
You will have to come to grips with her wanting you to move out. Tell her you are looking for a place, and cut back on some of the things you do for her unless she asks for your help. You may have to move out if that is her decision. Yes, elders make bad choices -- my mom is one and I've finally "cried uncle" and am leaving her alone. I call her 1x per wk and have mourned the loss of "my mom" or wishing her to thank me, be grateful for all I've done or apologize. Its been a long road; but I have decided to respect her wishes to live as she pleases. I still worry about her falling, starving or getting food poisoning, but I can't control and legally don't have the rights and I refuse guardianship battle. I'm waiting for the next event where she ends up in the hospital and case manager or social worker makes her move into a care facility.
Good luck to you. Don't fight with your brother, work together on a united front to protect your mother and others (with the driving danger). In the end, you need each other.
Her neurologist and doctors and doctors in the hospital all suspect early onset dementia. He doctor told her the other day she could not drive because she has dementia....it's been going on for months with her calling him and asking him during her visits why she can't drive.
Yes, an educator up until 75 or 76 years. Everthing she says is right and if you don't agree with her the you are wrong. Plus she has 3 masters degrees.And of course I am still 12 in her mind.
I have no car, so I have to use hers. I f I could I would sell it and rely on Zip Car...seems as if it would be less drama....but then again...she would wonder where her car is :/