I have been a main caregiver for my mom since she became ill in 2007. I was young then but got her through her illness and she’s somewhat thrived over the years. However, she’s not independent and since I can remember, my sister and I have been the sole source of her care. Over the years there have been crises where she needs constant help, after she got a transplant, after she broke a hip, after she got pneumonia or a UTI. She’s never spent a night in the hospital or rehab center without me or my sister at her side. This week, she developed a foot sore that quickly deteriorated and now we are back to being awake at all hours, making her comfortable. But I just have nothing to give because I just had breast cancer surgery two months ago. I survived cancer to be thrown into this. When I tell my sister I can’t do this, she says to deal with it because we are in for a long haul. I feel hopeless. I survived cancer to be thrown into this? The universe seems really cruel right now and all I do is cry, knowing that my anxiety, lack of sleep and hopelessness can increase my chances of recurrence. Help.
Your mom needs a facility if she needs so much care, if your sister doesn't like it, she can take over full care.
What kind of loved ones don't care that it is costing you your own life to prop them up? The kind that can blow off in my opinion, including your mom's other daughter.
Put it to your sister in these terms. What happens to your sister's life if you take a turn for the worst and can't help? The full responsibility of your mother will be on her.
Also, your mother isn't a baby or a child. No one has to be by her side every moment in the hospital or rehab. You do not have to be up all hours of the night making her comfortable because of her foot sore.
My God, you just had cancer surgery. Who's making you comfortable and doing for you?
Hand it over to your sister. If she won't handle your mother on her own then put her in a care facility.
Cancer and chemo, well, any kind of cancer tx really affects every single cell of your body and it takes a lot out of you. I am almost 18 months out of chemo and I STILL have days where I simply do not feel well and am functioning at about 50% of what I used to. If I had to add in CG for my mother or MIL, I simply couldn't do it. Things have slid so badly here at home, I probably will never 'catch up'.
I was always the first one in line with a dinner, offers to babysit, clean, whatever when friends or family were in need. Now I can't muster the energy to keep my own family close and do what I NEED to do, much less be helpful to someone else.
I'm fully aware that at age 65, I'm going to start slowing down, Cancer just bumped that up by about 10 years.
Time for you to graciously step aside and help find paid care for mom. I know you don't want to dump this on sister, but I know when MY sis dumped her load of CG for mom on me, we all survived!
No guilt. That's just negativity flowing through you and you need to take care of you.
The fact that your mom has not been alone a single night in over 14 years---wow, either you are begging for sainthood or have a rather over the top sense of obligation to mom. That's incredible.
BTW-what is mom's living condition? If she has to have 24/7 care, a NH is a more appropriate setting for her than in home care from you two sisters. Maybe if you step out, sister will see this and mom can be moved to a better long term living condition.
At any rate--good luck to you.
Do you have anyone helping you out? Like a housekeeper coming in to clean once a week, or even a hired companion to do your shopping and errands?
You need a break too.
Then add to the mix helping one's elderly parent with what seems like easy things, such a grocery shopping... oh my gosh, trying to reach for things on the top shelve wasn't easy. Driving hurt, too. Loading my Mom groceries into the car I had to take items out of the bag due to weight limitations. Every errand felt
like I had spent time at the gym. And I started hating to drive. Then came the panic attacks. It was the stress of doing too much, and the side effects that I was getting from the meds.
Many people, like your sister, just don't understand the physical AND emotional stress of breast cancer. It's different than getting one's appendix removed.
I remember one time my Mom was in the hospital as she had fallen at her home. The nurse wanted me to stay the night with her. I broke down into tears as everything was becoming overwhelming.
Time to either hire from an Agency a caregiver to help out, or check around at the Assisted Living facilities what is available. This won't be easy, it depends on how your Mom feels about the change. And there is still the pandemic. For my Dad, he loved the place. He liked being around people closer to his age. Of course, it all depends on Mom's budget. Don't you and your sister pay, you will need that money for your own rainy days. If Mom cannot budget for Assisted Living, one can check with Medicaid [different from Medicare] as Medicaid can help pay for the care if Mom qualifies.
Hope everything works out so you can recoup on a smooth schedule.
At this point in your life, you need calm, regular hours, nutritious meals and plenty of sleep.
If you are having chemo, you damned sure don't need to be in a hospital, or around an open wound.
Tell your sister your health can't handle the strain of caring for your mom any more. Offer to help her find a SNF for her; research Medicare/Medicaid options, locating additional resources to help. All of which can be done from your home, at your convenience, and when you have the energy. Big hugs to you.
An empty cup cannot pour 😥
Your words "thrown into this" make me picture someone adrift on a choppy sea.
I felt like that at one time. My goal (when I sought councelling) was to learn to float.
If floating is what you need right now - then float.
Your Sister & Mother can paddle on. Either with continued denial or acceptance they need more help. That is up to them.
OMG, How could you say in the comments that maybe the sister is tired too and the poster's cancer concern may be seen as her way out?
For God's sake. Why don't we all just call it and say that when a person has cancer we'll count that as a universally acceptable reason to not have to be a caregiver to anyone.
Honestly, the sister possibly being "tired" herself really is not equal to having cancer.
You have every right to push back now and to say No. You can no longer do any caregiving for others because now it's your turn to take care of YOURSELF. Sorry mother and sorry sister, but I have to bow out gracefully now and look after myself. I am not 'apologizing' for doing this, either, just saying 'sorry' I need to remove myself from the situation you are demanding me to devote myself to.
You are doing nothing wrong by taking care of yourself. Depression and anxiety that ruins your mental health can lead to a total breakdown in health and worsening of your cancer. Any mother and sister who expects you to do the hands-on caregiving in THIS condition have serious issues of their own to address. It is shocking they would even put you in this situation to begin with. Shame on both of them.
I hope you can remove yourself from this dysfunctional family dynamic right away, without feelings of remorse or guilt, and move on with your own recovery. Let your family know you love them, but that you love yourself more, and have to do what's right for you at this time.
Wishing you the best of luck and good health moving forward
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