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Been taking care of mom for 2 years. She has become incontinent with her bowels.


I wanted to be a good daughter but I’ve realized she has no empathy and is so cold hearted. We fought because dr Phil had 2 sisters on who their father sexually abused them. Dr Phil was tearing the man apart when mom said those girls are just doing it for attention! She’s on the man's side! Their mom did nothing to protect them, in fact she was jealous of them.


This brought up a terrible childhood due to her married man that could not accept me since I was from another man. He was terribly abusive mentally emotionally and physical. She Never did nothing to protect us. I finally ran away at 15 and eventually lived with real father. I felt Guilty making her feel bad. So I thought I’d take care of her when she broke hip. She is in latter stages of dementia and no totally incontinent.


I’ve been trying really hard dealing with it but now that she has shown me her true colors I resent her now and not appreciative at all.


With COVID-19Tracker I go to store once a week and that’s it. I guess that’s really adding to this depression and I keep asking myself


Is this all there is??


We live in my one bedroom apt and would be hard to have nurse here.


Sorry this is so long.


But it felt good to vent!

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It's sad that you had that happen to you. Sometimes, those childhood pains are still very painful. I might try to find a counselor to help you work through it. Getting your mother involved in that, with her dementia, isn't really possible. Dementia causes the brain to not work right. So, her judgment, memory, and reasoning is way off. I wouldn't put much stake in what she says. Your pain is real and valid, but, apparently, she's not able to see that now. I'd try to lower my expectations. You have no reason to feel guilty. You are the innocent one. Perhaps, if she didn't have dementia, she could acknowledge your pain and ask your forgiveness.

Have you thought about finding alternate care for her, so you can work on your own life? Around the clock care with no outside help, really isn't feasible. I'd explore options for her care. There are always options.
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My heart goes out to you in a big way.

You were neglected and abused by someone you now have become tied to--and can't get away.

BUT--there must be somewhere you can place mom and still feel good about yourself and your relationship (bless you for attempting to create a life for her, when she clearly messed you up!) start looking for a place for her to live from now on.

Even with dementia, the memories of what was--still remain and now you have no chance of closure with her. She says something nasty and even tho your 'thinking brain' says "that's the dementia", sadly, whatever mean things she says are still said and still hurt.

Bowel incontinence would be the end of my capability to care for someone in my home. You don't have to apologize for not keeping her in your home.

Actually, in a NH she would get better care--not that you aren't doing your best, but no doubt you are exhausted 24/7.

Good luck, and feel free to come back and vent any time. You are not alone in this.
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Sounds like it might be time for you to start looking for a memory care unit to place mom in. Things are NOT going to get any easier, and you don't owe your mom any thing. You said that you "wanted to be a good daughter", well you can be a good daughter and place her where she will be well taken care of and you will be able to get the help that you need and deserve.

It's sad that some of us no matter our age, still seek the approval from our parents that we never received growing up. We often just have to accept that it will never happen, and we have to be able to make peace with that.

Life is too short, and you MUST take care of yourself. You have a lot of living yet to do. Best wishes.
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Nothing your mother says now should be taken to heart as she has dementia and can no longer be accountable for herself, can’t appreciate your efforts or emotions. Clearly, there are issues left over from the past that you still struggle with, and it’s likely that therapy could be of help to you. Don’t expect mom to change or be of help, that’s not possible. And if her care has become too hard and too much there’s nothing wrong with admitting that. One person doing everything for another with dementia and incontinence is a lot to ask. I hope you’ll get help for the both of you, because no, this isn’t all there is
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