Billygoat Asked November 2019
Depression around holidays?
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This December 25 will be the one year anniversary of my beloved mom's passing. I am already depressed, but, absolutely dread the upcoming holidays. I literally just want to crawl in a hole and not come out. Am I the only one who feels this way? I know it's not fair to my remaining family, but I can't help the way I feel. I feel like a failure.
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Do something nice for yourself in the coming weeks. Call a friend. Adopt an animal if you can. Get a mani/pedi. Don’t pressure yourself to have fun. Cry a little. Read s good book. Take care of yourself and treat yourself with understanding.
When I was a younger adult and in the parent generation, I did the whole decorating, perfect present purchasing and wrapping, holiday treat making and party thing. We gathered at my parents' home for a party Christmas Eve to exchange presents. Mom and I fixed a Christmas dinner where my generation alternated attending with the years spent at their in-laws. When those grandchildren married and started their own families, things changed. There are too many family schedules involved now to have one party or dinner across 4 generations, particularly when one grandson married a child of divorce and another grandson is divorced and remarried so visitation schedules also need to be considered. They do the whole decorating and partying thing. I display a few cherished decorations (like the nativity scene my mother made in her ceramic club decades ago), add a wreath to the door and some cling snowflakes and sleighs to the front windows. I prepare batches of the Christmas goodies and serve them when people visit, often sending them home with a covered disposable plate or enjoy a few myself or with Mom while they last.
I plan and then spend days "fixing" a holiday meal because I cannot do as much in any given day anymore. The apple salad can be prepared 2-3 days ahead, and the awesome broccoli cheese casserole is prepped ahead too; even the turkey can be prepped and placed in the cooking bag the day before. The only thing I actually prepare on the holiday are the rolls, gravy and pecan pies; the rest mostly cycles through the ovens or is pulled from the fridges (I have two). I invite a few "extra" guests for the meal from extended family and neighbors who cannot travel distances anymore. Maybe I don't miss the holes at the table as much because now I have different people there? Nothing has ever been as bad as the year we buried mom's brother (my favorite uncle) on Dec 24. Grandpa had died just a couple of months earlier. Other deaths have been difficult but at least there was more time before the holidays hit.
Just like I once visited my grandparents on the holiday afternoons, my mother's grandchildren and great-grandchildren come to visit us after most having that holiday meal with someone else. It's part of being the "grand" generation. And just like I did all those years ago, they raid the fridge and cookie jars for favorite treats.
In another 10 or 15 years, when the original kids (now parents) are the "grands", I anticipate getting a catered meal or maybe attending one of theirs. I think a big part of me will be relieved not to have the holiday hosting responsibility anymore. Although I like entertaining and people, I also love being alone in my home dressed in a favorite nightgown with a good book or movie and enjoying a meal from my lap desk without any interruptions for child or elder care or even hostess duties.
It's the circle of life.
It's the circle of life
So true so true, TN.
The upcoming holidays for me, .. bring about some sadness, but not because of the loss of a LO, fortunately.
I can't quite put my finger on the why of it all. The only thing I can reflect on is that the holidays for me, as a child .. we would all descend upon my maternal g'ma's .. mom and all her 5 siblings and the offspring of each . and it was all so much fun. I guess, as a kid I thought holidays would always mean fun and family.
I grew up, had a family of my own .. my own kids. Holidays were spent with our traditions, but also w/going to MIL's home (my own mom moved around too much and married, and re-married, it was hard to keep up with who was the man dujour of the season with her). DH and his siblings and offspring descending upon MIL's home, which is soon to be disposed of . her now in a NH.
One of those siblings .. estranged now, has been for eons . and his offspring sort of the same. The other sibling . one of her kids lives abroad so rarely comes to the states .. and the other is busy with her own life . .never had kids. So .. being around DH's siblings . not really a "thing" anymore, and certainly not those kids.
Our own kids .. are grown now. The oldest, . she's a true loner, thru and thru . and holidays as in most any other time, she sort of appears when it works for her .. and maybe not . and it works best that way for all involved, really. Middle daughter ... she is married, has a family of her own . and her husband's family also lives local so holidays .. (while one might assume .. well go one way one holiday and the other another holiday . doesn't really work that way with them .. her husband is an only child and so his absence, on any given holiday is a stark hole in their world, so they always seemingly go the way of his folks for holidays), and the youngest daughter, is kind enough . in the field she works in . being she's childless .. she chooses .. almost exclusively to work any holiday .. allowing those that have kids to spend time with their kids .. she doesn't have any kids . .and feels for those that do.
Mostly that leaves just me and DH .. as to holidays . not at all the festive times I so fondly recall as a child . or even as a young adult with kids of my own. It's really rather lonely.
DH and myself, not one to exchange trinkets and mindless gifts just for the sake of handing someone a gift, they'll now have to figure out what to do with... and so .. mostly .. it's just another day . one filled with .. not the expectations I'd like to realize ..
I look back fondly at years in the past, of how festive it all used to be, the parties, the baking of endless goodies to give out . and participation with my daughters in that endeavor .. and the endless rushing about of the whole season .. and much to do ..
Not so much that way anymore.
I agree with your observations and feelings. I’m 67 now and the holidays are so different. I don’t have children and sometimes We spend the holiday with my sister who I’m very close to but lives 4 hours away? My husband was adopted and his brother and parents deceased. So there's just us. I loved Christmas growing up and even as a young adult.
We still make a tradition of decorating our tree together with ornaments that are mementos. I love looking at a lit tree in a darkened room.
I lost my mom when I was just 38 and now dad is in a NH and doesn’t care about Christmas.
yes, things change.....
You are definitely not alone and you are not a failure! I think feeling this way around the holidays is totally normal. Last year was our first Christmas without my MIL and I felt the same way. It was very hard for me to pull it together and be upbeat and cheerful and put on our annual Christmas Eve party for my family. We have always had Christmas Eve here because it’s my daughters birthday and then Christmas Day, around noon we would all go to MILs house for presents and Christmas lunch. My SIL decided to host Christmas Day last year & serve soup for lunch and after first I was very much against going. I thought....why? She lives 45 minutes away so we have to get up, have our Christmas morning here & eat breakfast with the kids and my parents and then rush to get ready and drive 45 minutes to SILs house! And then drive 45 minutes back. I didn’t see a reason for all of that since we would all be together here on Christmas Eve and could exchange gifts then. With MIL, she lived 5 minutes away and always made a full meal. I felt very much like a grinch last year. Anyway we did have a good time at SILs and it ended up being a shorter visit than I expected. And i felt the same pang if sadness the whole week of Christmas. I felt guilty-and still do-for being so sad and not in the mood to carry out our regular traditions.
This year.....it has been a little bit easier. Last year, my stomach churned and my heart stopped for a second every time I heard a Christmas song start to play! I felt sadness and a sense of dread knowing MIL wouldn’t be with us for christmas. I would have to change the channel/radio station real fast. It wasn’t until about 2 weeks before Christmas that I could listen to Christmas music without being overcome with sadness and dread. This year, it hasn’t been that bad, I can stomach the Christmas music. I went to the mall yesterday and had to walk past the center court where Santa’s village is, the whole mall was decorated for Christmas and I didn’t feel any sadness but then again I was just going in to one store and going right home, I didn’t walk the mall taking in the sights. I can tell you that this year things still don’t feel the same, still don’t seem quite right and I know the same sadness will hit me as Christmas gets closer. It will never be the same again. Christmas has been such a joyous occasion since I became a mother but I don’t feel that same joy any more, not since MIL died.
So you are definitely not alone and the holidays bring about sadness and grief and different emotions for most of us here, but for various reasons.
Many years ago I worked in a small company in which the owner and his family went to Tahiti during Christmas, and I was told this was mainly to escape it. I've thought it might be a good time to go to Dubai to see the Burj Khalifa. I've read that although the Australians generally celebrate Christmas, it isn't the overblown obsession it has become in the US.
We go skiing or some other fun thing that we enjoy. We haven't done the holidays for over 20 years because of family drama. It is such a lovely time of year to be wasted spending money you don't have on gifts the person doesn't like, eating more food than needed to feed a village and listening to family squabbles that apparently could not be addressed until Thanksgiving or Christmas. These are few of my (not) favorite things.
Another thing I enjoy doing is walking through the store with all the angry shoppers singing "Tis' the season to be jolly!" I also like to say, you know if they wouldn't keep changing the date every year people would not be so stressed out trying to get everything done.
I can't figure out why anyone wants to enjoy all of that.
How did you celebrate when your Mom was alive? How did SHE celebrate the holidays?
Do you remember, or can you now look back and recall, a time when celebrating was a challenge for her, but she pulled it off for the family?
Maybe you could keep her close by imitating what she used to do. Imagine her looking down on you now and her being able to see that she taught you how to carry on, in more ways than one : her traditions and yourself.
Is there one object or Christmas song or food that could symbolize her presence? A photo?
Make it a celebration of your Mom's and your connection.
Best to you,
Acacia
Yes, exactly. My mom got married on my grandma’s birthday. Once I asked her if she did that on purpose. She said yes.
Sometimes there is a coupling of dates.