Does anyone else deal with depression from being a primary caregiver?

Absolutely & if anyone says otherwise I would question if they are being honest.

Even though brother/ sister dynamics were such a mess, his choice, I made the decision to be there for my brother 6 years ago. It's been doom & gloom. I felt sorry for him from day 1 of his diagnosis of ALZ, even though he was so angry & in denial. Now, in the final stage he may show agitation with me still, or, a sweetness. No book, seminar or video prepares you for an overwhelming sadness you will find yourself in.

When I learned all I could & got tired of tears & fears of the unknown I took a part time job. Yes, it's low paying, a schedule around his, but it's been a lifesaver for me. I'm actually grateful for what it does for me.

I know others question why we do what we do. Instinct takes over & you have to be in a caregiver's shoes to "get it."

Caregivers take care of you. You matter as well, so don't forget yourself. Blessings 🌸

I was on Xanax and Prozac starting in March 2017. Found this site soon after...fast forward to now...off of both for almost 2 months...depression/anxiety creep in at times so that's when I come here and read. The meds made me loopy and no energy to "take care of business" with my aging stressful parents! Although I needed a quick fix desperately at the time and would recommend taking them and will again if I need to. They let me rest and chill for several months while I was educating myself here. This caregiving sucks, yeah, I still feel down alot but knowing we are not alone for sure helps.

Still learning and pushin on!!

I think the original question should have been "Does any one NOT suffer depression from being a caregiver

I pretty much consider myself the poster child for anti-depressants, I've been taking them since the 1980s .While your husband may be right about seasonal effective disorder, it may only be part of your problem. I think you might need a dosage change or maybe a different medication. Constant stress will cause you all kinds of problems, mine also became physical because of the depression. I have gotten to the point where I know when change is necessary. It may do you a world of good, why suffer? Also although empathetic, a person only really truly understands depression if they have it. Do you sometimes feel down and don't know why? A person with depression understands that feeling. Best of luck, it can get better

My parents are 88 and 90 years old. I have 5 brothers and sisters, and I am the closest one living near them. The others are 2-4 hour drive away.
I try and do some shopping for them, run errands, and do little chores but it is very hard sometimes. I tell myself I am the privileged one that gets to be near them and spend more time with them before they are gone forever.
The truth is, I have never had a "close" relationship with them, especially my dad. My mom has always been a complainer. She complains every day about her pain or something that else that has happened or how she feels, it is always negative.
I try to avoid them just so I don't have to hear the same things over and over, and being in their house isn't easy with my dad constantly in front of the TV with the horrible news or some old westerns. My mom still complains about the things he does and his behavior, he barely says a word about her and I think just tunes her out.
I have been a divorced single parent since 1994, my boys are now grown, I have lost interest in the idea of a partner after some poor choices in men, and I don't want to take care of anyone else!!! A lot of men want a woman to cook and clean and a bed partner. I haven't met one that wants to be an equal or take care of me so heck with it.
I know I am suffering from depression, and I have put on some pounds, trying to find comfort somewhere.....
With the burden (I probably put on myself) of being available to them, and the pain seeing them suffer and struggle, I can't say I do anything that makes me feel good about life. I used to be committed to the gym, but with a new commute to a new job, (shorter days) in the past two years, and the stress of my parents, I can't get myself to go, and I know I would start to feel better if I did.
There are many of us in the same boat, I don't have any answers. I pray for God to give me strength, and I think Him for the many blessings in my life. I don't have money, or a partner, or a fancy house, but I do have two healthy young men I raised on my own, an income, transportation, a roof over my head, and a couple of good friends I try to see. Lots of things to be grateful for. I know one of these days, I will be longing to hear my mom laugh, or do something silly she was known for, in her day when she was without pain and worry.
So, we carry on. Do the best we can. Pray for a shining light.

I want to add to my post earlier where I sounded like a cheerleader... just to be clear...I am NOT "Little Miss Sunshine " every day...far from it... I am on antidepressants for depression and anxiety. I battle every single day. I have days that I fight suicidal thoughts...usually after a string of days in which everything feels pointless. But, something makes me go on. Something spurs a NEED to have a better day. That is when I MAKE a good day.

"The only way to put hope back into your life is for YOU to BRING IT... You want sunshine? You open a curtain!... You want food? You eat.... It's really that simple. We all tend to get bogged down with our lives..seeing no light at the end of the tunnel...we ALL do!..but guess what???....the only way to avoid the oncoming locomotive barreling towards us is to CHANGE DIRECTION!!!!"

Right on, cr0105!

I am sure most caregivers suffer from depression, if they are willing to have no shame & admit it. We face doom & gloom each & everyday. With ALZ & most memory impairments there is no getting better, we watch the progression on a constant basis. With changes that occur to a loved one, duties increase, an abundance of yucky jobs. Living quarters once nice are now a gut job. If we are doing home care most of us start the day with a messy detail & end our night with one. We have given up jobs or work around a must met schedule, our income hit, we worry about bills & expenses. Finding good help & keeping them is not easy, they burn out & move on to something else. If there are behavior issues we are on 24/7 alert. Caregiving is what it is, we can change direction, but that's not an easy decision either. Follow this site, a facility or home is a big ? for many of us. Our loving, caring & worries never stop. Blessings to all Caregivers 🌸

Tg, I have only been on this site for a few months & still catching up..but have seen several posts from you in which it appears you keep HOPING something will change, get better... 
but as far as I can see, it's YOU that must change.

Sorry if I seem uncaring or insensitive, I certainly don't mean to portray that to you.  I've actually been in your shoes, feeling like there was no way that *I* had any power to change things. But I've learned a lot & have some things I'd like to share that helped me...places to START. First,

Change your attitude: if you catch yourself feeling hopeless, sit down and make a list of the things people here have suggested ...then DO JUST ONE! Today!!! No putting it off. One simple thing. Because quite often ONE THING motivates us to do more!

Change your viewpoint: Get "out of yourself"... If that means going to a therapist do it. Now!! Like, make the appointment first thing tomorrow morning...as NIKE says, "Just do it".  

Next, change your "happiness level":  By taking ACTION, you will initiate HOPE. ...and  *Hope*  seems to be missing!!   

When we lose *Hope*, we lose everything. And sorry to put it bluntly, but the only person who can do something about it...is... YOU. 

The only way to put hope back into your life is for YOU to BRING IT... You want sunshine? You open a curtain!... You want food? You eat.... It's really that simple. We all tend to get bogged down with our lives..seeing no light at the end of the tunnel...we ALL do!..but guess what???....the only way to avoid the oncoming locomotive barreling towards us is to CHANGE DIRECTION!!!!

I'm right there with you. I took dad in 3 years ago when mom died. He had no more income to sustain himself in the townhouse and he wasn't taking care of himself. Siblings were of no help. So I moved him in with me. I gave up quite a bit of freedom. We sued to be very social entertaining a lot at our home. Weekend pool parties and get together time with our friends. All that changed when dad moved in, he seemed to think my friends were his. It was like being a teenager and your parent in the room telling stories when I was growing up, awkward. I gave up my home office for him and I run my business from the basement now. Since then my kids moved in for 2 weeks 9 months ago and have no ambition to move out. So here I am, 3 dogs and 3 adults in my home. I go up and down. Depressed and not. I try to stay busy. Id love some help around the house but I get nothing, nor do I get any reimbursement for utilities, food etc...
I have contemplated therapy, I go back and forth. My eating out bill is a lot more now so I can spend time with my wife. I am finishing up an addition to our house and I enjoy dads expertise but when it comes time he acts like the boss and I am the employee so I don't seem to be a nice person when he chimes in. I know I am being a mean person, it is just a defense mechanism. There has been much great advise here and to most I have not taken it as it will result in some hard feelings on both sides here. I agreed to both of these situations hoping it would be different,. Boy was I wrong. What would I like?
Id like my kids to find their own house... so they can be on their own for the first time in 6 years.
Id like my dad to spend a few months with my siblings.... more than one holiday a year for 4 days.
Id like help around the house without asking or help with expenses, toilet paper isn't free!
I guess I am expecting too much.

I was a 24/7 caregiver for my mom for 10 years..my sister..the favorite..came down a few times a year mostly to go to the beach or on xmas..depression isnt the word for it honey..despair and loneliness and feeling trapped in a nightmare was how i felt..i was on depression meds but it does nothing for the reality of the situation..my husband even lost his job because he took too much time off from work trying to help me.. my sister didnt have to sacrifice and she will never understand because she didnt deal with the 24/7 and the toll it takes on us..sorry for the long rant..just know you are not alone..try to find some help through visiting nurses or some people come in for free just to sit with the person..my mom didnt want it but i should have put myself first ..i have back problems from lifting her etc..try to take my advice and keep your life as a priority first..it shouldnt be this way..hope i helped a little

Dear Miz,
My heart goes out to you. I have just in this past year began taking on more and more with my parents due to a decline in their health. I'm so overwhelmed. I work a full-time job in law enforcement and have a husband and a child at home, plus an adult child who lives in the area. I rarely see my older child. My husband and child are severely neglected and I am fighting depression daily. I cannot keep up. I am overwhelmed by all there is to do. So many needs to fulfill that I never stay still. Never get rest. I am beginning to learn to take time for myself and my family regardless of the consequences and to not feel guilty if something happens. I can not do it all. I have to accept that I can only do what I am able to do and that continueing to neglect myself and my family will have far more consequences than "neglecting" my parents. They are grown ups and they have to figure it out on their own. They should have been more prepared for this and planned better and because they did not I can not be responsible or feel guilty for their actions. My father has dementia and I see the wear and tear on my mom as she tries to keep up even with all her ailments. But, if I step in and keep trying to take it all on I will end up dead one way or another. So, I try to set boundaries and think of myself first and then my husband and child and then do what I can for my parents.
I don't know that any of this rambling helps but at least you know you aren't alone. There are others of us out here. Depression from caregiving is real. It's frightening. But do not give up. Do not allow it to overtake you. I'm glad you came here and you are reaching out. God bless ya.
Sincerely,
Bea

Depression? Yup! And I've been that way to a degree even before Mom's fall almost two years ago, and subsequent issues requiring care. (She lived with me or vice versa for 20 years at that point, but we were more roommates and best friends, on top of Mom/daughter). It did, though, make it difficult to impossible for me to develop any kind of relationship/partner with a guy...? She is now 97, I'm 67, and about 6 years ago I went for some counseling (ironically because I had real issues involving fear of losing my Mom!). So, at the age of 60, I was diagnosed as Bipolar Type 2 ("mild" version - there are different types!), which is a major cause of depression. Gee, I wonder why the Prozac, Wellbutrin, Paxil, etc. that docs tried to put me on for years didn't work?) Mom doesn't live with me now - she's in an "intermediate nursing facility" - but the last 2 years have been H*ll for both of us. There is no one else but me to help her. I have no living siblings, or other relatives. When she fell she broke her rt. hip and rt. wrist, had them surgically repaired, and then was damaged in the first "rehab/skilled nursing" facility she went into. That facility ruined her feet in less than a week - didn't float her heels off the bed and they turned black/necrotic and spongy in 5 days, and they incorrectly applied and removed pressure stockings and severely tore the tops of both feet open, resulting in unhealing wounds because she basically had no circulation). I got her out of there in one week, but that wasn't soon enough. She couldn't even wear slippers, let alone socks, on her feet for almost a year, and had to have wound care and feet bandaged up like footballs every other day. She's now had 4 major surgeries, (one of her surgeries was a 5 1/2 hour bypass below her right knee to avoid amputation because one of her unhealing wounds blew up into a severe ulcer deep enough to expose tendons. She spent 10 days in ICU, three of them on a ventilator, and then another surgery to remove 3" of exposed tendons and 10 more days in an "intermediate" unit). Subsequent to that, she contracted MRSA in the hospital, and had to have a pic line (sp?) and daily antibiotic infusions for over a month. She's had 8 different location changes (including different hospitals, etc.), I've been buried and over my head handling her finances/all the medical issues (she's just now qualified for Medicaid instead of "private pay", but that comes with another whole set of responsibilities and issues). Even though she doesn't live with me, I have to visit her at least 4 or 5 days a week or she becomes frightened and worried... She knows that without me she's "toast"! I take her to all her appointments (at least 2-3 a week), and deal with issues at the nursing home that involve her safety and/or well being. For example, I've found her with someone else's socks - tight - so her leg was swollen, etc. and that puts her bypass/graft at severe risk. If that fails, she dies... She still has a wound on her left heel, which is dressed with a foam bandage 3x/week. When they give her a shower, the CNA is (obviously?!) supposed to remove the bandage and then have a treatment nurse replace it. 3x now the CNA hasn't removed the "sponge" bandage, and I've found her foot - and wound - soaked, shriveled, waterlogged - again, that's a serious risk to her! She's completely centrally blind from macular degeneration, so can no longer read or participate in activities - "crafts and games" - the facility offers, and she's terribly bored/depressed. She's losing her short-term memory now, although physically she's the best she's been since she fell... Am I depressed? You bet! I now look at my life as short-term, with no partner/companion, more limited finances (we used to share expenses, but now...), Mom's life is actually mine and at times I find myself resenting that. The last 20 years of my life have really been that way, and I'm now faced with a future completely alone when I lose her. At my age that's not likely to change. Snivel! Whine! Poor me...

I totally understand how you feel. I had to check myself into the hospital. I too suffer from depression and extreme anxiety. Being the caregiver for my aunt has been very difficult. Luckily, her social security covers the cost of her 'independent living.' Once she needs assisted living, there won't be the money. I cannot go back to take on full time caregiving. Got to find some other solution.
Reading these posts both breaks my heart and deepens my respect for humanity. What enrages me is that I KNOW all of this could be made easier if everything were not about money. It just shouldn't be that way. No one should have to give up their life for someone else. There should be adequate support readily available and I know there are ways this could be the case. They manage to provide such care in other countries. Oh, oh, I'm getting on my podium. Oh well!
I assume you have talked to your doctor about trying to adjust your meds or try new ones - I only mention this because I get so wrapped up in other stuff and sometimes forget what I need to do to make my life easier and it sounds as if lots of folk on this site do the same. I do hope that somehow you get a way to feel better.

Dear Riley,

Thank you for expressing the frustrations of so many caregivers so well.

Now that my dad has passed, in hindsight, I do feel I was suffering from mild depression. It is a lot to take on and I thought I could keep going but the anger and resentment got the better of me. This is what I feel most guilty about not giving my dad more patience in the last year of his life. I know life is never easy. But I have to agree none of us caregivers are God. We have to recognize when things are becoming too much and get help. That is the key. I wish I had gotten help sooner.

How on earth can a primary caregiver NOT become depressed. Perhaps you were close to the ill person and if that person was kind to you, it hurts you to see them as they now are. And so much extra work, probably stuff you never had to do before, is dumped on you. And you have to put up with mental issues, constant repetition of statements, and the list goes on. And you are no longer free to work or to come and go and have a social life. And maybe you have siblings who refuse to help but continue to find fault with what you do. Face it - you are just a human being, not GOD. Being in this situation would be difficult for anyone and that is normal. Try to get respites where you can "escape" for a while and see if that helps. Try to find a good counselor through your doctor or Google counselors on the internet and call them if they handle these cases and how the chemistry fits between you - ask for help. And if nothing works, and if the finances can be worked out, put the into a facility before you are destroyed.

How could a caretaker NOT be depressed and upset. You have a tremendous responsibility to take care of someone who either can't help themselves or won't and on top of that they may have serious mental issues. Just being around these people, no matter how much you loved them or what your past relationship was, is very difficult. Not everyone is cut out to be a caretaker. Bless those who can but don't attack those who simply are not cut out to be a caretaker. No patient should ever be allowed to "get away" with things because of mental or physical issues. A way must be found to stop the bad behavior. if it does not, then the caretaker should find a way to put them somewhere - unless that caretaker wants to be a caretaker and can handle it. And why should the patient make life impossible for the caretaker who may end up with no life of his/her own. it is just not right.

This site is a God send. I have been helping my mother and step dad for many years. My stepdad passed in 2013 and since then I have been taking my mother with my husband and I to Florida for 4 1/2 months to our winter home, then I take her home and spend another month with her. I continue to see her at least weekly through the spring and summer and take care of all her insurance and med needs. My sister lives five minutes from mom, she,provides about three meals a week , takes her to Dr. appointments but doesn't spend any quality time with her. My brother lives 30 minutes from mom and doesn't see mom for sometimes months. They only call mom once on her birthday when she is in FL. In otherwards the majority of my mother's needs fall on me. I too suffer from depression and feel like I can't get through to my siblings to help more. My own health is beginning to need attention. So nice to share on here that others are going through the same thing.

Piper, I've got this right, have I - you're living with your demented mother, your needy MIL and your PTSD recovering husband..? And it's been going on for up to a decade, and there is no end in sight?

Thank God you've got the dog.

What kind of community do you live in - small town, large town, city, isolated rural spot?

At least your husband is supportive. My husband hates when I want to do anything for myself. It's always a fight. I gave up my career and we both agreed it would be better to have my aging mother with increasing dementia live with us. This was 10 years ago. Then 7 years ago his mother moved in with us because his father died and she squandered the money he left for her. Because of his PTSD he is constantly unhappy and has lost many friends. We both get counseling and take meds for depression. Both he and his mother have the martyr mentality and my mother has become so totally passive I swear she would sit in the same spot for days. My husband and I split up for awhile due to his anger issues before I took all this on and he convinced me that he had sought counseling and was committed to supporting our marriage and learned how to deal with his problems. Now it's like nothing has changed and I feel like I have been treading water for awhile now and am drowning. I also got a dog for emotional support and also afraid of being homeless as I basically have no income and the thought of separating is overwhelming. No need to offer advice-I would just like somebody to take of this for me as the thoughts of suicide are increasingly attractive but I don't want to abandon my doggy!

You need more support. You also need to take mini vacations three to five days at a time every 3-4 months. This is what I call burnout and it will take what I suggest above in order to change the way you are feeling. I suggest you getting a short break daily where you can leave go do something for yourself this often helps keep the battery charged! But you need a few days off getting the rest and down time that your mind body and soul needs. We aren't made to work 24/7 and that's indeed what you are doing, you need a break/ respite time.
Best regards,

I used to freak out. That was back when I believed in a relationship with my mother. Now I don't care anymore because I've realized that any meaning between us is impossible.

I have learned to predict her and to manipulate her and it's easier on me. No guilt here. Just trying to get thru the day without a lot of fuss. I avoid her as much as possible. But when I do get backed into a corner with her, I am very superficial. She is hard of hearing so she does 90% of the talking (about herself). I let her ramble and make assenting noises like I'm actually listening. I agree to her crazy ideas because I know she'll forget. I never argue or try to reason with her. When she says horrid things I am silent. Mostly I try to do something else when I'm around her: load the washer, rinse the dishes, boil potatoes, iron. Anything so I feel like I am accomplishing something while she blathers on about her so-called life.

I'm only marking time with her until she dies. It's meaningless, annoying, very boring. I get very tired and sleep to get away from her.

My problem is that the resentment, frustration and all just slowly builds and builds, Then I have a major freak out, get myself together, and start Building all over again. I've yet to find a way to stop hoarding all the negative stuff so eventually it just becomes too much, then I feel bad and mom feels bad and on and on...

Some and mainly anxiety....they have to be careful what anti depressant they put me on or I will become mean.....Does that help? heck no huh? Hugs to you hon....Sharon

Marilyn from Oregon here

Hey Marilyn I will give it a try. You take care.

I wish there is a way I can talk with someone.

ChristineVo83,

I'm very glad that you found this site. There is one member here who can very well identify with your situation. She's a single parent who has been a caregiver since I think 18 for the past 10 years. Your grandmother is very blessed to have you, but as the caregiver who is crying every night, you need help to. I think something like 60% of caregivers who are the primary caregiver of someone at home end up dying before their relative does.

Your situation is understandibly wearing you down. Crying every night is sad but it also shows how much 6 years of solo caregiving is breaking you down.

Since this is your grandmother, I assume your parents are not longer alive? If that is the case, then did your grandmother raise you? In that case your anxiety about spending time apart from her is very understandible.

Given that your profile does not tell us a whole lot other than you are 26 and have been caring for your grandmother for 6 years, etc., I have more questions. How have you been able to gain any income being the solo-caregiver? Does your grandmother have any reasources that could pay for someone to come over to the house to give you a break? Help me to understand where the guilt is comming from? Usually, a 26 year old wants to have a life and does not struggle with the guilt thing like someone in their 50ties or 60ties that is the caregiving for an 70, 80 or 90 year old parent? Unless, however the guilt is a cultural thing which I can understand. How long do you think that you can keep going as the solo caregiver without outside help to give you a break as well as possibly some medicine to help with your depression? I'm concerned that the physical and emotional breaking down could wear out the chemicals in the brain that help deal with situational depression and you could end up with clinical depression which seriously needs meds.

Keep comming here and post all you want, whenever you want for as long as you want for there is almost always someone around to listen and respond.

that is great that you have met someone (your husband) that can be there for you .. in this situation!! And i read about how you were so social .. and now its hard, I totally know how you feel. I have changed so much since doing this full time. I don't ever hang out with my friends.. and if i do.. i feel gulity for leaving my grandma alone. or my friends don't understand how frustrated i am.. and how sad i can get. So i kind of keep to myself.. And its hard to meet men my age... since they are still young and don't understand. So its very hard. But i am really happy you have a husband that cares for you.. and that is helping you!

I totally understand your reasoning of the way you are feeling.. and its a good thing that you can have this site to vent about how you are feeling and that is one step to a little help. I know it will not go away since you are in this situation. I have never used medications to relieve my depression... i cry every night.. cause i am emotionally and physically drained. I have NO help or support from my family members, and when i try to tell them about how i feel.. they just say i am complaining or i am just crazy. So i just go in my closet in the dark and just cry! I really feel alone in it. And i'm glad to have found this website. I also tell myself.. hang in there... since the person you are caring for appreciates it so much!! I know there are days you just want a break and get away.. since i want that all the time. but just remember that when your loved one passes you will feel good that you were there for them!!