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I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
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V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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I can certainly relate to question raised by Anika about her 94YO dad - it sounded so familiar. Hubs, 85, only wants Twinkies and coffee for breakfast. I always ask if he wants breakfast but the usual answer no..already taking my meds (used to be standard for 9am but now often taken at 5:30). Occasionally I will fix bacon and eggs without asking and he will eat that. Rest of the day is a losing battle. Nothing suits him. Swiss steak (6oz portions) deemed as only getting 2 tiny mouthfuls (I suspect he did not like the mixed vegetables with it). Ham omelet - he only got one tiny 1/3” square piece of ham in his…and on it goes. One night he will sleep soundly, but morning after second night claims he has not slept for two days. I often find Twinkie wrappers in trash can of bathroom so he has been up in middle of night ‘snacking’. Neurologist said he is not getting enough deep sleep but he says he gets 8 hours per night - true, but not quality sleep. Refused to go to dentist claiming he can’t climb stairs to their door nor get in or out of their chair. Explaining that they have a ramp right from parking lot and staff definitely will help him goes no where. He is isolating himself and no longer wants to drive or go to church - can’t sit on those seats for an hour, but watching tv all day is not a problem. It is sad that he has let himself go physically and has no outside interests. I shared my concerns with family dr and neurologist -,he has apts with both in next few weeks. Fam dr did give him a SLUMS test year ago. I fear he is heading down same path as my sister who died last year of Alz D. In the bigger scheme of things - I can’t change his whining poor me outlook but sure puts it in perspective after seeing the news of fires in California today where many have lost everything. Any thoughts on best way to cope would be appreciated. (I’ll put this under diet/nutrition as I don’t see any option to add other possible topics on drop-down menu)
Jlyn, I have reviewed some of the great profile info you filled in for us and I find that I can't find that your husband IS actually diagnosed with any dementia? Could you remind me? You are saying that, at 85, he is seeing neuro appt. And you seem to indicate he's simply without interests and doing the woe-is-me rounds.
Now if he has dementia you are looking at a whole different thing from normal aging and woes of same. I am 82 and partner 84 and we know what it is to be facing aging, illnesses, hanging in there with the downward trajectory a certainty, staring us in the face. My second cancer diagnosed last Feb and he having in Oct a huge stroke that completely reversed itself because he got clot busters within the hour. You know--STUFF. So much depends on personality and atttempts to continue things that bring you joy while you are able. Sadly he is a political junky who STEEPS himself in 24/7 news and I avoid news like the plague. Alas. We try to do the best we can of THAT situation, too.
I think what I hear in YOU, however--and given whatEVER is up with hubby-- is YOUR OWN anxiety from taking on more than you CAN and/or SHOULD. You can't be responsible for his happiness. You cannot create it. The truth is that he (and I and my partner) have outlived our sell-by dates. Things can be tough. YOU can't fix it and you didn't CAUSE it, and it's a fact you both live with.
As to food. As we say to our foster dog, LEAVE IT. Stop trying to make him live forever when he has clearly let you know life isn't all that good anymore. If he will eat eggs when you make them, that's great, and likely he needs little else important on that particular day in all truth. My partner and I each eat one meal a day, his kind of divided out due to GERD and mine at about 3 pm. Elders don't eat or NEED to eat a whole lot. Make him and ensure chocolate shake here and there and PLEASE, let him have his Twinkies. Quite HONESTLY there are days that a bag of Trader Joe's Original Potato Chips are about all I see that makes it worth going on. REALLY.
I would say, advice from someone in the 80s 1. This is his. Not yours. This is his personality and his way of handling age. Let things go. Stop trying to make him go on forever; there's little reason to, to be honest. 2. You didn't cause and can't fix this, and I think you are letting your own anxiety drive you to worry about silly things like twinkies. Find acceptance somehow. If you fear he is descending into dementia, then face that, and don't make it a fix-it project for him. If you need a couple of sessions with a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice and dealing with life transitions, then go to that, or a good in person psychotherapist familiar with issues around aging. 3. Find outlets for yourself. You are likely driving hubby nuts being at him over his twinkies. Find something to do and give him a break, but MORE, give YOURSELF a break.
Now, please feel free to kick EVERYTHING I said to the curb or pick a sentence or two that might help you and toss the rest. I truly want what is best for YOU and for HIM. And quite honestly I want to give him a box of twinkies with a huge red bow.
Pick your battles with him. I'm currently tending to my 105-yr old Aunt. I say she gets to eat whatever she wants, no matter how ridiculous it may seem to me. Since I've known her my whole life, I know she was a very healthy and responsible eater so now if she wants all sweets all day, she gets it.
Also, as we age our taste buds die and the last ones to go are the ones that sense sweet.
It certainly sounds like your husband has some dementia going on, and I'm glad he'll be seeing some doctors soon. Hopefully they can determine what kind he has to better give you an idea of what is to come. His dementia really is your main issue here, as his eating is secondary. If you're truly concerned just try to get him to at least drink a few Ensures a day. Otherwise I would recommend educating yourself now about the horrific disease of dementia, so you'll be better prepared for the future with him, and just let him eat what he wants and if he wants. And make sure that you're taking care of yourself, as you matter too in this situation.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Now if he has dementia you are looking at a whole different thing from normal aging and woes of same. I am 82 and partner 84 and we know what it is to be facing aging, illnesses, hanging in there with the downward trajectory a certainty, staring us in the face. My second cancer diagnosed last Feb and he having in Oct a huge stroke that completely reversed itself because he got clot busters within the hour. You know--STUFF. So much depends on personality and atttempts to continue things that bring you joy while you are able. Sadly he is a political junky who STEEPS himself in 24/7 news and I avoid news like the plague. Alas. We try to do the best we can of THAT situation, too.
I think what I hear in YOU, however--and given whatEVER is up with hubby-- is YOUR OWN anxiety from taking on more than you CAN and/or SHOULD.
You can't be responsible for his happiness. You cannot create it. The truth is that he (and I and my partner) have outlived our sell-by dates. Things can be tough. YOU can't fix it and you didn't CAUSE it, and it's a fact you both live with.
As to food. As we say to our foster dog, LEAVE IT. Stop trying to make him live forever when he has clearly let you know life isn't all that good anymore. If he will eat eggs when you make them, that's great, and likely he needs little else important on that particular day in all truth.
My partner and I each eat one meal a day, his kind of divided out due to GERD and mine at about 3 pm. Elders don't eat or NEED to eat a whole lot. Make him and ensure chocolate shake here and there and PLEASE, let him have his Twinkies. Quite HONESTLY there are days that a bag of Trader Joe's Original Potato Chips are about all I see that makes it worth going on. REALLY.
I would say, advice from someone in the 80s
1. This is his. Not yours. This is his personality and his way of handling age. Let things go. Stop trying to make him go on forever; there's little reason to, to be honest.
2. You didn't cause and can't fix this, and I think you are letting your own anxiety drive you to worry about silly things like twinkies. Find acceptance somehow. If you fear he is descending into dementia, then face that, and don't make it a fix-it project for him. If you need a couple of sessions with a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice and dealing with life transitions, then go to that, or a good in person psychotherapist familiar with issues around aging.
3. Find outlets for yourself. You are likely driving hubby nuts being at him over his twinkies. Find something to do and give him a break, but MORE, give YOURSELF a break.
Now, please feel free to kick EVERYTHING I said to the curb or pick a sentence or two that might help you and toss the rest. I truly want what is best for YOU and for HIM. And quite honestly I want to give him a box of twinkies with a huge red bow.
Also, as we age our taste buds die and the last ones to go are the ones that sense sweet.
His dementia really is your main issue here, as his eating is secondary. If you're truly concerned just try to get him to at least drink a few Ensures a day.
Otherwise I would recommend educating yourself now about the horrific disease of dementia, so you'll be better prepared for the future with him, and just let him eat what he wants and if he wants.
And make sure that you're taking care of yourself, as you matter too in this situation.