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My mother has been “staying” at her boyfriend’s house for the past two years. She hasn’t been able to live on her own since that time due to falls and mobility issues. She’s at the point where she can only shuffle a few feet with her walker and needs help going to the bathroom and taking her meds, etc. We were finally able to get her into rehab just before Christmas with the hope to get her into assisted living. She was verbally abusive to the staff, accusing them of all sorts of horrific things everyday. Her 89-year-old boyfriend agreed to “take care of her” if she left so the social worker released her on Sunday. After much discussion and instruction on her meds to her boyfriend, she didn’t get them because he didn’t realize that he was supposed to get and give them to her. Four in the morning she had him take her to the hospital because she couldn’t breath due to her CHF and not receiving her meds, no doubt.
She’s always been abusive and manipulative, (Diagnosis bipolar, BPD and NPD) She won’t discuss going to any facility where she would be taken care of nor will she discuss it anymore with me. So she’ll probably end up back at her boyfriend’s when she’s released. All I can do is give up trying. Am I wrong in this? If so, what can I do? I don’t have a lawyer, nor will I spend what little money I have to hire one. This sounds cold, but I’m sick of trying.

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If the boy friend is not meeting her needs...Get Adult Protective Services to do a welfare check. And ask for help in negative findings.
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Gailrd: Give the bf a reminder call. Only if you feel that your mother's life is in danger should you call APS. Otherwise, this is her life.
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I personally agree with how you feel - never, ever should anyone have allowed her to leave and go back to the boyfriend....unacceptable. I would call Adult Protective Services and get them involved as they can help start the ball rolling. Look for an eldercare attorney who will give a free consultation - that will help. Do NOT spend your money on this woman - based on what you say as to her personality, she deserves nothing - this is her problem - not yours. Make it plain to the boy friend he is NOT to bring her home as he can't care for you. Once you get things started, I would sever relations and move on to a better life for you. She does not seem worth it.
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Riley2166 Jan 2022
And this may be cruel but true, at 95, how much time does she have? If she goes, be thankful she is gone and there is peace - but steer clear of getting involved and helping her. She does not deserve you.
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Wow 95 and mentally with it to go to a hospital, and a boyfriend.
Id get the clock with a timer. Set every so many hrs. Tell them to get one. She has CHF. It is what it is.
Try to discuss with bf. If not let her go. There's only so much you can do. At least your not taking care of her 24/7. Thank your lucky stars.
She wants it that way so be it.
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I think that a phone call to remind BF would be okay.

Your mom's days are numbered, I wouldn't try to intervene, I would just be her daughter and do what you can or want and let them have each other to get through these last days.

Learning to let go and let our aged, sick parent live and die on their terms is difficult but, you can't force your idea of what should be. At 95 I think she is pretty blessed to have a companion that wants to help her and be together with her, even if it costs her medically, it definitely gives her quality and that is what really matters.
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Since it seems your Mom is set on going back to her boyfriend, your hands are tied. Without diligent supervision of meds, your mom's days are numbered. There is a clock you can buy on Amazon (American Lifetime) that you can set up to remind the boyfriend to dispense meds. I used it for my mom and it was quite effective. Or you can purchase an Echo and set up recurring reminders for them. At the very least, you will have done all you're "allowed" to do. I wish you all the best.
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While I am not sure of all the background, I say document everything. See what cares of daily living might be in need of attention, I’d the social worker considered the mental health components. Is there a county aging team to engage to help assess? You may be waiting for the next crisis, but if you have the needs listed by others you can demand they are in place with the boyfriend or it could be considered neglect. Good luck
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I'm sure he won't forget the meds again. A bit of advice, knock it off. I've been to a facility, lived at one fun fun fun fact they suckkkkkkkkk 1 girl to give 40 patients meds, if your wheelchair bound need help dressing hey it's about 10-11 by the time they get to you because they have to serve breakfast first. So let it go. If the boyfriend asks for your help then ok. Until then, meh
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Isthisrealyreal Jan 2022
I don't know of any facility that has a 1:40 caregiving ratio.

Have you reported this facility?

Honestly, I think that your situation is a bit different then a demented 90 year old. Not that I am saying rip her from her home and boyfriend to place her, there are other options here.

Have you ever considered a board and care home? They tend to have better patient to caregiver ratios and are more of a home then a facility. My dads had a completely paralyzed gentleman and he decided when he was going to be up and about or just hang in his room. They allowed my dads little dog and had a nice patio for the residents to enjoy fresh air.
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If your mother is deemed mentally competent to make her own decisions and understands the consequences, she will be allowed to go back to her boyfriend... or any other situation she pleases. When she is deemed mentally incapable, then you can make those decisions - if you have power of attorney. Otherwise, the hospital will make that decision for her.
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Your Mom has a boyfriend let him deal with her .
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Boy, that's the blind leading the blind if ever I've heard that phrase applied correctly!!!!

Let your mother live what's left of her life the way SHE and the inept b/f see fit to. She's likely to go to the ER several times a week until someone catches on that she's being neglected and not taking her meds. Then they won't release her back to live with the b/f and she'll be placed in a SNF against her wishes, but that what happens to 95 year old elders who live life on their terms. They also die on their terms, and that's not all bad, really. I honestly believe there's something to be said for that!

If you feel that her life is in danger or that she needs immediate placement in a SNF, call APS & report both of them as vulnerable seniors. Only God knows if APS will see things the way you do, but they might.

I don't think you're wrong b/c you really can't save a person from herself. Whatever happens here, she did it HER WAY, like Sinatra sang, right? :)

Good luck.
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cherokeegrrl54 Jan 2022
Totally agree!! Liz
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You may not be able to 'fix' this. I agree with others here - basically, speak up about your concerns about their situation - to them & to services (eg APS, hospital Social Worker, their Doctor).

This article is long, but explains things well & I imagine helps with any guilt like feelings.

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm
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Rehab cannot send her home if considered an "unsafe discharge". Tell the Social Worker/discharge person that sending Mom hone to boyfriends is unsafe. That he is showing signs of impairment and cannot care for her correctly. Reason why she had no meds to take. Maybe if she is told they will need to place her in a NH she will choose an AL. You make sure they realize that u caring for her is not an option. You have enough on your plate.
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rovana Jan 2022
Assuming mom is competent, a nursing home could hold her prisoner? Can't you leave if you are able to arrange it and are not declarled incompetent
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No, it doesn't sound cold. It sounds realistically. If your Mom is competent she has a right to make her own choices. Make certain she knows how to call 911 and that the boyfriend does. I caution you against accepting POA and Guardianship, even temporary guardianship, which is what social workers will want you to do. It is difficult enough to deal with POA or guardianship even if you are dealing with a pleasant, meticulous and with it person. It is impossible to deal with others. I am so sorry for your grief over your own limitations, but they are what they are and not everything has an answer or can be fixed.
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If you are not her legally active PoA or guardian and don't wish to be, then you define your boundary and stick with it. This is perfectly moral and reasonable and has been done by many on this forum.

"She’s always been abusive and manipulative..."

so this begs the question: why do you wish to continue with this relationship? Have you ever talked to a therapist about your relationship? If so, have you ever been told you might have a dysfunctional co-dependency with her? The best thing for you is clear and strong boundaries that YOU enforce.

Call APS to report the both of them as vulnerable adults. When things get "bad enough" the county will move for guardianship and then they will get your mom the care and protection she needs, not wants. This is all you can do.
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Call Adult Protective Services about both of them and let them handle it. Then you can walk away knowing you did what you could.
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You are not wrong and I am glad you are not going to waste your money on your mother. The chips will fall as they fall and your mother will have to face the consequences of her choices. Stop trying to save her.
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Her 89 y.o. boyfriend is not reliable enough to care for your mother. The two of them are in a vulnerable situation. They both should be referred to an agency that deals with the elderly.
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