My mother has been “staying” at her boyfriend’s house for the past two years. She hasn’t been able to live on her own since that time due to falls and mobility issues. She’s at the point where she can only shuffle a few feet with her walker and needs help going to the bathroom and taking her meds, etc. We were finally able to get her into rehab just before Christmas with the hope to get her into assisted living. She was verbally abusive to the staff, accusing them of all sorts of horrific things everyday. Her 89-year-old boyfriend agreed to “take care of her” if she left so the social worker released her on Sunday. After much discussion and instruction on her meds to her boyfriend, she didn’t get them because he didn’t realize that he was supposed to get and give them to her. Four in the morning she had him take her to the hospital because she couldn’t breath due to her CHF and not receiving her meds, no doubt.
She’s always been abusive and manipulative, (Diagnosis bipolar, BPD and NPD) She won’t discuss going to any facility where she would be taken care of nor will she discuss it anymore with me. So she’ll probably end up back at her boyfriend’s when she’s released. All I can do is give up trying. Am I wrong in this? If so, what can I do? I don’t have a lawyer, nor will I spend what little money I have to hire one. This sounds cold, but I’m sick of trying.
Id get the clock with a timer. Set every so many hrs. Tell them to get one. She has CHF. It is what it is.
Try to discuss with bf. If not let her go. There's only so much you can do. At least your not taking care of her 24/7. Thank your lucky stars.
She wants it that way so be it.
Your mom's days are numbered, I wouldn't try to intervene, I would just be her daughter and do what you can or want and let them have each other to get through these last days.
Learning to let go and let our aged, sick parent live and die on their terms is difficult but, you can't force your idea of what should be. At 95 I think she is pretty blessed to have a companion that wants to help her and be together with her, even if it costs her medically, it definitely gives her quality and that is what really matters.
Have you reported this facility?
Honestly, I think that your situation is a bit different then a demented 90 year old. Not that I am saying rip her from her home and boyfriend to place her, there are other options here.
Have you ever considered a board and care home? They tend to have better patient to caregiver ratios and are more of a home then a facility. My dads had a completely paralyzed gentleman and he decided when he was going to be up and about or just hang in his room. They allowed my dads little dog and had a nice patio for the residents to enjoy fresh air.
Let your mother live what's left of her life the way SHE and the inept b/f see fit to. She's likely to go to the ER several times a week until someone catches on that she's being neglected and not taking her meds. Then they won't release her back to live with the b/f and she'll be placed in a SNF against her wishes, but that what happens to 95 year old elders who live life on their terms. They also die on their terms, and that's not all bad, really. I honestly believe there's something to be said for that!
If you feel that her life is in danger or that she needs immediate placement in a SNF, call APS & report both of them as vulnerable seniors. Only God knows if APS will see things the way you do, but they might.
I don't think you're wrong b/c you really can't save a person from herself. Whatever happens here, she did it HER WAY, like Sinatra sang, right? :)
Good luck.
This article is long, but explains things well & I imagine helps with any guilt like feelings.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregiver-fix-it-mentality-leads-to-burnout-152629.htm
"She’s always been abusive and manipulative..."
so this begs the question: why do you wish to continue with this relationship? Have you ever talked to a therapist about your relationship? If so, have you ever been told you might have a dysfunctional co-dependency with her? The best thing for you is clear and strong boundaries that YOU enforce.
Call APS to report the both of them as vulnerable adults. When things get "bad enough" the county will move for guardianship and then they will get your mom the care and protection she needs, not wants. This is all you can do.