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This is my first post. Pardon if this is not the right place for my questions. Here is the short story. My father is in his last stage of Parkinson's and my mother has "dementia " but refuses help . For the past 3 years I have been assisting them and that includes 3 different moves to Georgia and back. Long story. As of December last. They insisted on another move to Georgia but I said "only if you go to a home" they agreed. However they make to much money for Medicaid so they are paying $4300 a month out of pocket..but they do not make that much with social security..but went anyway. Last year the 3 of us bought a moblie home together and paid cash. Forward to 2 weeks ago..now they want to come back because it is paid for. Omg. I told them that in the first place. They won't listen.they won't allow me to be POA ..heck I didn't get a key to the house till I moved in. "They are fine with making decisions " well. They are not. So now.. with no poa .. what can I do to stop this foolishness?. I am single..no siblings and have no money for attorney advice or help.

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First, separate your eggs.

Separate any 'I want us to move to xyz...." emotional talk from any "We are doing XYZ" factual plans.

The wishful dreamers from the doers. My Mother wants to come home - can she? Right now? Gosh no. Can't walk, call a taxi etc. It's an emotional want.

I want to downsize. Can I? You bet. I am trawling real estate sites. There is a difference.

Despite being older & having PD & Dementia, your folks still WANT things. Still want to be in control. Who doesn't?

It is very individual, but just as eyesight & hearing fades, so can reason & judgement. PD in later stages brings cognitive changes. "Dementia" as you put it.. tell us more.. doesn't have to be the more common Alzheimer's memory loss. Vascular Dementia is next common & can effect judgement & reasoning before memory.

These cases where no POA has been assigned or no springing POA is effected yet poor decision making is present are definately hard.

Hard times call for hard choices.

Do you enable their poor decisions so they are successful OR let them fail?

Let them not fall into real danger if you can prevent - enact the safety net of professional services as you need ie Police, Ambulance, Lawyers.

Otherwise, a little fail may be ok. Eg if they can't actually affect a move from assisted living - well.. so be it.

I would also take this approach: WHY do they want to leave? What do they want that is missing in their current life? Can those missing things be added?
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Do nothing to move them in with you. You don’t have to keep going back and forth with the foolishness. Don’t answer the phone for awhile.
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AG, you are fortunate in that if neither you nor the AL "helps" your parents effect a move, then it won't happen.

Will the AL accept Medicaid when they run out of money?

Does your dad understand that?
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When you refer to your mother's "dementia", why did you put it in quotes? Does this mean she has all the behaviors but no actual diagnosis? Or that you don't believe she actually has dementia but is being "a brat"?

I wouldn't lift another finger for them until they both assign you as their DURABLE PoA (meaning it takes effect upon signing). Then take them both to the doctor to get a cognitive exam into their medical records. Do this only if you wish to continue to attempt to manage their chaos. Your mom may have dementia, so why act on any of her plans? I think you first need an actual diagnosis (if there isn't one) and then you need to educate yourself about dementia and how to better interact with people who have, and know what to expect. There's lots to know if you're going to be dealing with them every day. My vote would be that you don't -- you need to invest in your own future and that means NOT being a caregiver for 2 people when you don't have power or resources.

I'm also an only child and my single mom lives next door to me. I have told her that I'll help her stay in her home until it either becomes unsafe for her or onerous for me. You need to have a boundary since there is only one of you and two of them. Choosing to stop being their manager doesn't mean you don't love them. It's just the math, the reality. Pay for a 1-hr consult with an elder law attorney -- it it totally worth it in your case.
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Agriffin65 Feb 2022
Thank you.. so I have been working in the neurologist field for 25 years. My doctor I work for that sees my father also has seen my mother decline with memory for 6 years now. Since my father parkinson's she now calls me someone else's name..loses everything..crys all the time.. can't remember where they live.. it is bad but she gets very upset when anyone asks her to get help. She says She is fine that it is just stress that has caused all this memory. I have told her it has been 6 years now way before my father got sick. For the past year I managed to get them to buy this mobile home and have my name put on it and I lived 3 blocks away where I can be there every time he falls or she can't find her phone I can run over and help them. However they refused to give me a key or is me a key or let me take over unless it is something that they need from me. Now. Now after all of this They want to come back home. Because it is paid for. And I get that period but I told them and told them that they could not afford to go up there they promised were never coming back. I would love for them to come back I would love to take care of them and I would even move in with them but I need them to let me take control they just don't understand it is so frustrating
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File a partition lawsuit to sell the moho, get your money back, and walk away. You can't do anything even with a POA if they're able to make decisions (well, Dad) for themselves unless they gave you one that takes place immediately -- which they won't.
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Agriffin65 Feb 2022
I know you Are correct and thank you it is just hard when they are your parents and they are making bad decisions and they won't listen. I thought raising my 2 kids were bad but this is just awful.
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Is there a social worker at the AL where they now reside?

If so, call her/him (and if not a SW, then the Director of Nursing or the Administrator) and tell them that your parents are planning a move to a trailer and THAT YOU WILL NOT BE THERE. THEY WILL HAVE NO CAREGIVER IF THEY MOVE.

Make it VERY clear to the folks at AL that you will be moving out before your parents arrive and that you have no intention of becoming their personal slave.

Please make plans to move on with your life; you need a job and a place to live that is not dependent upon your parents.

Visit your local social services office and ask for help finding a job and a place to live.
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Agriffin65 Feb 2022
Thank you for the advice. The place they are staying is aware that they want to move back home. They have not offered any other kind of help other than trying to keep them to stay there. Where my father keeps insisting that it is too expensive and they are growing broke. I even so much has told him that I would not be their kid anymore if they didn't let me help. They are just not listening. It is so sad
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See an elder law attorney. This was a really bad decision I suspect. If your parents are competent then they are free to move to a home they paid for. If not, then they will stay where they are and spend down, but this home will have a medicaid lien on it and your own home in jeopardy. You may need guardianship if both parents are not competent in their own decision. Please see an elder care attorney. This sounds like a lot to comb out and attempt to do right.
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needtowashhair Feb 2022
> but this home will have a medicaid lien on it

Maybe, maybe not. It really depends on the type of title. Florida has medicaid recovery only from probate assets. If the title has right of survivorship then there is no probate and thus it's not subject to medicaid recovery. As you suggest though, OP should check with a lawyer for their specific situation.
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