Mom passed at age 92. I lost time/money at job and paid high emotional price. Do I ask 3 siblings for compensation?
I cared for Mom 24 years. My mom lived 10 miles from me. I worked a full time job. I am married and was raising a daughter. For the 24 years I cared for her my 2 brothers lived 2 hours drive from my mom, and the third brother lived 5 hour drive from mom. My mother was a widow since she was 43 years old. My father died when we were all little kids. My mother lost her family in the holocaust. There was never, in 24 years, a Saturday morning where I wasn't called by Mom to be asked to come and see her. I worked a highly stressful public service job. There were times that my mother would cry because her sons visited very infrequently. (Oldest brother maybe 2 to 3 times a year and lived 2 hours away, middle brother 6 to 7 times a year and lived 2 hours away, and youngest brother 3 to 4 times a year and lived 5 hours away.) My mother and I were shy about asking for more help from them in the form of social visits. She never needed financial help from any family member. When she had medical or emotional issues I left my home or my job to give her the care she needed. As a result I lost time at work and suffered financial loss. I also was always feeling emotionally drained due to knowing how alone she felt and constantly having to make a choice of: Do I leave my daughter and husband to spend an evening with her? I visited my mother at least twice a week spending 2 to 5 hours with her. In the last 2 years of her life my husband, who worked at night, spent 5 to 7 days a week for 8 to ten hours a day. I loved my mother dearly and knew the suffering she went through losing her family in the holocaust, then losing my father after only ten years of marriage. She was left with 4 little children who all became very successful people. My emotional life and my financial life were drained, although I certainly am not poverty struck. My siblings did not pay in any form the price I did for my mother’s care. How do ask for some type of compensation?
10 Answers
Popular Questions
Related Questions
- Mom made a mess again. How can I get her to stop?
- Mom refuses to see she needs 24/7 care. How do I keep her safe when she is so stubborn?
- Narcisistic Mom (88) refuses to move out of motel after what was supposed to be a brief stay. Any advice?
- How or should I convince our son that a memory care/assisted living is best for grandma and him?
I don't know, but I have an idea that once you try to put what you're feeling down in actual, real numbers...
Your siblings can't compensate you.
Unless you had an agreement with your brothers to share some of the financial burden, you have no basis for asking them now.
Family is precious. Your mother lost her birth family through the Holocaust. I hope you won't lose yours through quarrels over money.
I am sorry for the loss of your mother. Our thought processes are not at their sharpest while we are mourning. (At least mine weren't.) I suggest some counseling to help you through the worst of the grief. You deserve peace.
On the other hand, if you're not particularly close to your brothers and their families, why not ask and see what happens? The worst they can do is refuse and act offended. You won't have lost anything and they'll be aware that you sacrificed a lot by caring for your mother and you think they're being pretty cheap not to pay their fair share.
You have something your brothers will never have and if they have any kind of heart; it is something they will regret the rest of their lives. Time with your Mother! Apparently she had many years of good health and you were able to visit and provide companionship. Then when she really needed help, you and your husband were both there. As hard as it is, there is a joy and a peace in knowing you made the right choices for you and Mom when you felt it was necessary.
Please don't turn those precious memories into a financial situation. Hugs!
You're not going to get compensation from your siblings. In fact, they will probalby be highly insulted if you even ask - and rightfully so - because you *chose* to care for Mom. Even those of use who end up caring for a loved one because we're essentially forced into it (no one else will do it, so we do) will never see a penny of compensation for it. It's just a fact of the caregiving world.
I moved in with my mother when my father passed away over a year ago. When he died, she lost about $700 a month in income, because they were both on Social Security - and when one spouse dies, the surviving spouse is given the larger of the two incomes - but they still end up losing some income. So I pay for things that she can no longer afford - like groceries, her emergency pendant (which she didn't have before I moved in), vehicle repairs, excessively high energy bills during the winter (last winter was brutal, our bill tripled), her clothing when she needs it and the co-pay on her prescriptions. Not to mention meals out come out of my pocket, as well as any vacations - because she simply can't afford them. I'd love to tally up a bill and send it to my siblings and demand reimbursement, but I don't - because as hard as this situation is, I'm the one that put myself here. No one else could or would do it, so I did, because I didn't think Mom would survive without Dad to take care of her - and given her recent decline, I think I did the right thing.
I do agree with VegasLady - get some counseling to deal with your grief and your resentment towards your siblings. They are your family, and if you want to have any sort of decent relationship with them, you need to get past this.
I'm afraid I have to agree with the others. Asking for any kind of compensation from your siblings for back pay from your lost wages over the past 24 years is wrong. It's inappropriate to even ask them and they don't owe you anything either.
This is the kind of thing that families fall apart over. I'd think long and hard before taking such an action.
You won't like my observation, but that's just what it is: an observation.
You don't ask for some compensation. You made the choice to do what you did. Your siblings made theirs. Yes, you gave more, and it sounds like you were probably guilted into it somewhat and your siblings didn't let your mom's crying get to them. (Sounds cruel, but it's not.) But you made the choice of your actions.
A friend of ours made a choice to purchase an extremely expensive engagement ring for his girlfriend. Expensive enough that he's in debt for it for quite a while. At the engagement party, they broke up and she has the ring. It was a gift. In retrospect, he's seeing it was not a smart one, and it was based on emotion and persuasion from her. He's thinking about taking her to court for it. But, from what I hear, it was a gift, and a judge (most likely) won't rule in his favor. Should she give it back? Sure, but she won't. It's not FAIR. But that's life for everyone on this planet.
I truly hope all goes well for you. If you decide to pursue compensation, be very prepared when you sit down with your brothers. Don't try to guilt them; just state facts. Put a dollar amount to your time, estimate your time, money out of pocket, whatever else. Be very factual and precise.
Good luck! Keep us updated.
Sharon
Your brothers probably feel some guilt in not being there for you and Mom. Unfortunately, this happens a lot in families....the only daughter does all the caregiving. Not everyone is able to be a caregiver (for whatever reason) and you should be very comforted by all that you did for your Mom. Best wishes!