I cannot emotionally, physically or financially deal with it. But the guilt is overwhelming. She is 89, lives alone in a 3 bedroom home( in a very unsafe neighborhood). I work full time 95 miles from home and have no backup savings. My life is a mess and I cannot focus on hers. She doesn't want outside help. She is trying to schedule a dental procedure where they will be removing 12 to 14 teeth. I have advised against it because of her age and frail condition but she and her dentist insist she will only need someone with her for 3 days. I just don't see that happening. I can barely make it 2 hours with her or at her house without a panic attack. How could I ever make it 3 days. And it won't end after that. I don't care what the doctor says, anytime you put a nearly 90 year old under sedation, they are not going to be the same afterwards. Does anyone know if she could be admitted to a hospital for this since she is so insistent that she needs this done.
Has hard as it will be tell your mother "no, I just can't do that".... and if she insists on having that dental work done then you will find her a 24-hour Caregiver to be with her while she recovers, but she would be responsible for paying those Caregivers.....
That's one time I learned in therapy dealing with my folks, if they insist on living on their own without any outside help, then they have to deal with the responsibility that comes with being on their own.
Make it absolutely clear that YOU will not be providing the care. You don't need to explain why. You have good and sufficient reasons. A registered letter to the dentist with a copy to your mother should make your intentions clear. Something along the lines of ...
Dear Dr Smith
I understand that you are intended to remove some of my mother's teeth and that there will be a convalescence period afterward. I want to make it clear that I am not able to provide that needed care, in case she has said something other than that. I hope you can help her make arrangements for whatever she will need after the surgery. She cannot count on family help for this purpose.
Sincerely,
Rose Doe
You cannot do what is expected of you. Make that clear to the people with the expectations.
Good luck! And let us know how it works out.
Alternatively, would she agree to come and stay with you for a few days? Its too bad the dentist has his head up his *$$, he could insist if she is resistant.
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