My mom is 81 and has been caring for my 84 year old dad with Parkinson's and Dementia. She was never "nice" but her irritability has reached Mars, as has her forgetfulness. At best, she has extreme caregiver burnout (and I know that's not best). At worst, she is getting Dementia herself. She has become extremely unreasonable about allowing more aides into their house, and is refusing to send my dad (much less herself) to assisted living. Is there any point in telling my mom that I am concerned because I think she has dementia? Or do I just walk on eggshells around her like I've been doing my whole life?
Sorry to hear about your situation. I know a little about the irritability side of things with my mom, it fluctuates, but the snappiness is there a lot more, some of the snappiness could be because of losing more independence through the health conditions that cause changes in independence. I know I would be really upset if I started to lose ability to do things. I'm feeling early signs arthritis already knees and hips.
I had a similar question regarding early signs of dementia. Some answers said take your mom to the doctor for tests. I understand you egg shells approach. If you think it's progressed to clearly see personality and character changes. you could take your mom under an appointment for regular check-up, but have a private discussion with the doctor in advance about your concerns. Let the doctor be the decider if she has it and then inform your mom. People are in family tend to listen more to people outside the family unit. It's just my 2cents, there many others on the forum that have more experience of the condition with their loved ones.
I'm just thinking how I would feel if I started noticing early signs of dementia in myself, but I knew enough to not want to be in AL, I would want to be in my own home and surroundings as long as possible, plus I would be sad about see my partner (husband or wife) go into AL.
It's a difficult one. I guess it comes down to how severe the condition is. I think one step at a time, and try to verify reason behind your mom's forgetfulness and irritability, by seeing a doctor under the guise of a regular check-up. I had some similar answer to my question and if I think my mom's condition is getting worse with obvious character changes, I will do this.
There are some great supportive people on this forum, see what other have said too.
Love & Peace.
1. "Mom, I am afraid for you. This caregiving would be overwhelming for a young person. I don't know how long you can keep this up. Have you thought about other options we may have to use as much as we loathe the idea? I want you to know that I am here for you, and I want to help. But I am limited by my own life and limitations. Can we discuss how I might help. Can I just let you know I will support your options, but am worried about you.?"
Honestly that's about all you can do. And the symptoms for anxiety disorder are VERY VERY similar to dementia, especially the forgetting things, not able to multitask, physical manifestations of blood pressure and pounding heart.
I sure wish you the best. I don't see how Mom can go on long in this care, but not doing it is presently beyond her considering. She's in a really bad place. My best hopes out to all of you.
Your Mom is going to crash and burn due to being stubborn. My own Mom was like that which made it so difficult for her and my Dad.
Please note that up to 40% of family caregivers die leaving behind the person they were caring. Try to instill that into your Mom. If she is no longer there to be with Dad, then what? Not only does your Dad lose a wife, but you lose a mother. Hopefully that may open to the door for your Mom to be receptive to either more help or moving to a senior facility, or maybe not. It's worth a try.
My Dad moved to a senior facility once my Mom had passed, and he loved it there. He wished he would have moved years earlier but he knew my Mom would refuse to even talk about it. He enjoyed being around people of his own generation.
No.
Are you the PoA for either of them? Is anyone their PoA? If so, this person should now be working to get your Dad into a care facility. It doesn't matter that your Mom refuses to send your Dad... for one thing, if she does have cognitive decline and memory problems she really isn't *able* to do this: it just feels overwhelming to her. You don't need her agreement. You don't even need to tell her anyone is making plans for Dad, you just do it. BUT, if your Dad is transitioned you need to have a plan for her care, like in-home by family or paid aids, or both, or neighbors helping -- for a while as she gets used to having care. If she's resistant but can't do her ADLs then she may need to go to MC.
One strategy is to tell a "therapeutic fib": hire an aid and if your Mom complains you say it is for Dad because "someone" was concerned about them so they contacted APS, which is now "requiring" they (or he) have an aid. Or, any story you think she'll buy.
If no one is their PoA, it may become trickier since no one will legally be able to make either of them accept care or a facility -- even with medical diagnosis of incapacity. You need to actually call APS.