This topic is obviously very personal: everyone will have their own opinion. I have many friends who helped their elderly parents alone for years, while their siblings did nothing. My opinion is that the helping adult child should inherit more, so they’re not financially ruined after spending so much time, energy & stress, helping.
If not documented, it means nothing. The helping adult child will give their time and energy while enduring all the stress without any financial recompense. Too many adult children ruin their lives, financially, emotionally and even physically with a belief they are due/owed more inheritance. It never happens unless it is in the will or you are paid for your services. Don't ruin your life, get it in writing or get paid. If not, walk away and find another solution.
Your view that ‘it’s none of their business’ probably means that they wouldn’t agree. If that is the case, then it is solely up to the testator. You might think that the law should be different, but it isn’t.
It’s up to the testator, and I think that’s a good thing.
I’m stating my opinion: I think the helping adult child should receive more.
My comment was only about the helping adult child vs. the non-helping adult children.
In the cases I know, the testator is leaving everything to the surviving spouse -
The issue here is: what happens after both testator and spouse die? My personal opinion is that the helping adult child should inherit more than the non-helping adult children.
I believe an inheritance is a gift and not an entitlement. So putting the compensation for the care as part of the inheritance makes it an entitlement and that isn't the best plan. Being paid to provide services, as they are needed, keeps inheritance as a gift and usually stops parents from taking advantage of their caring off-spring.
I, also, believe that parents SHOULD NOT place or expect the burden of care to be on any of their adult children. They SHOULD pay for the help they need and make plans for their 24/7 care, if it comes to that.
I posted the question: Do you think the helping adult child should receive more inheritance?
I know of some people who think children should inherit in equal parts, even if only one adult child helped.
(1) in your opinion, should the helping adult child receive more inheritance than the non-helping adult children?
(2) in your opinion, what’s the best way to “compensate” the helping adult child? Through more inheritance? Through an employment contract? (but that can lead to uncomfortable “employee” feelings)… Through some other method? A combination of methods?
Putting it off and calling it an inheritance leaves so much room for something to go wrong:
The care recipient promises and intends to leave an extra inheritance but fails to follow through, assuming there is plenty of time, and then it is too late.
The presumed inheritance is all gone because of end of life expenses when care became too much for one caregiver to handle (e.g., Medicaid spend down).
If extra inheritance makes it to the caregiver as an inheritance, the other assumed heirs resent it and it builds into a schism.
The caregiver child has to deal with their grief, the loss of their routine, and the resentment of the other assumed heirs all at the same time.
I also believe it is best to distribute photographs and other heirlooms as much as is practical before death, so the recipients can have a chance to get the stories that go with the items.
I read so many stories on here from the sole caregiver whose siblings did nothing to help and yet in a lot of cases were treated more kindly or received more after the passing of the parent. Sadly, I think it's par for the course.
In a perfect world I'd say yeah, of course the helping child should inherit more but we all know this ain't a perfect world.
Helper Sib: good helpful child 😇. Loving, giving, selfless.
But here's another (distasteful) view..
Helper Sib: As above, wishes to be seen as The Golden Child. Self-esteem built on attention for good deeds.
Close with parent 😀.
Encourages co-dependancy 😶. Becomes #1 helper 😞. Gate-keeps out other sibs & non-family/formal supports 😖. Feels entitled for renumeration, despite carving out this position for self & holding others out 😤.
Seen this pattern a few time now. Often unpartnered/divorced/left partner for elder parent. Sib needed secure housing + parent needed care = so this *social contract* was a good solution for both sides at the time.
We do read MANY tales from the Helper Sib desperate for help, asking & pleading their sibling for it.
But we also get a few from non-helping sibs being totally shut out.
Just another side - feel free to comment!
I agree that inheiritence is a gift.
Paying for service in the living time would probably increase fairness.
If for example in my own case one of us (we are 3 daughters) took on the responsibility , when the time comes, of most of the care duties, then I think some financial reward to that child would be very acceptable during that time, and not to the others during that period. In terms of general inheritance after the death...I personally think 3 way split would still stand. Others may disagree.
This inheritance topic is so sensitive and I have witnessed siblings after the death of a parent(s) fall out and not speak again. Because of this ugliness in my opinion and the sure possibility of it happening, I have taken the stance of telling my parents (they are 82 and 87 atm) to write me out of any inheritance and bypass me completely , and give it to my kids , should they wish. This was done on my part several months ago and man do I feel FREE now. Each to their own at the end of the day!
The parents were very aware the situation would ruin her financially. They left her a big inheritance. After the parents died, she was able to get back on her feet, start a business.
I believe that inheritance is not a right nor should it be an expectation.
Money saved by parents should be used for THEIR care. If there is anything left great it can be split or done with as the parents wish. If there has been no designation then evenly split after debts are paid. (if any child, grandchild owed money that should be taken into account and "deducted")
And I think that any funds should be put toward grandchildren's education or for their future. In most cases "helping children" are all adults with retirement plans that should have been funded BEFORE helping a parent. No one should be "financially ruined" by helping a parent.
The reasoning behind this is if the parents went into a nursing home or AL there would be nothing fo them anyway. So the caregiving sibling should be considered like a nursing home or AL.
In “certain” circumstances the child who was the caregiver should get 90% of it.
My mom will probably invite my sister and granddaughter to live with her for free after my dad passes, mainly for companionship. It’ll save thousands in rent for my sister. My mom still drives, goes to art class, even walks my sisters dog. There are no loss of actual adl.
If it gets to the point where help with toileting and other adls are required, that will be a stickier situation. However, she will not be quitting her job.
Mother will leave a fairly small inheritance. Divided amongst the 5 living sibs, it's less than $10K per child. My YB has taken care of mother for 25 years--at first it was not a burden, but the last 10-12 years have been awful, in many ways.
My OS, YB and I all plan to gift our portion of the inheritance to YB. $10k won't make a ripple in my financial wellness, but it will to YB. $30K will ease his financial burdens a lot.
Yb has a weird relationship with mother and he has truly been a 'gatekeeper', but for whatever reasons he has for doing so--he still keeps her home and takes her to all appts and deals with stuff none of the rest of us have. Not that we wouldn't, or couldn't, but he wouldn't allow us.
All that will be water under the bridge. Even tho he kept mother a semi-prisoner in her own apt, he did care for her and did a LOT of yucky chores.
That's good you and your siblings will do what's right for your caregiver brother. Most families won't.
In fact, I will go so far as to say if one adult sibling does all the caregiving and usually spends years at a time doing all of it, they should receive HALF of the parents' estate. Regardless of how many other siblings or grandchildren there may be.
My siblings got no inheritance from our father. I had to be 100% responsible for him so I took whatever was available after the bills.
I've been totally responsible for my mother's care for years. I not only put up with her crap for years, but also clean it. She would have lost her home if not for me, so it is for me. I have it in writing. My sibs could have stepped up at any time and helped, but didn't.
There is no way I would be caregiving for my mother if I was not going to inherit this property and she knew it. Once it becomes an exempt asset from Medicaid next spring I will be able to leave here then bring in homecare or even place her if needs be.
i knew a family that was 2 daughters and 2 sons. When the parents got old w dementia and other issues the daughters practically worked themselves to a nub taking care of the parents, taking turns staying with them round the clock, taking to dr appts, cooking, bathing, changing adult diapers, getting up and down all night etc., spending MUCH time away from their own families. This went on for YEARS.
The sons visited occasionally, but were busy w their own families, couldn’t be bothered. The elderly mother died first.
The contents of the will were unknown and all the property was in the father’s name. He died about a year after the mother.
This family owned 2 large farms worth $hundreds of thousands of dollars which each parent had inherited from their own parents. When the will was read, the SONS each received one farm, with the unenforceable understanding that they would farm it. They also received a lot if money. Each Daughter received $10,000!
Each son immediately sold their inherited farm and gave not one dime to the daughters who had done all of the work!
POA should address all things medical as well. If you have a POA that states you should get paid and don’t pay yourself then that is on you. You have a right to reimburse yourself for expenses. Read your parents POA. A professional non-family member POA will charge $150 an hour.
Kids have a discussion with your elderly parents before its too late.
If the family’s males are sexist and ‘entitled’, the women have usually been indoctrinated to be self-sacrificing. It’s also linked to a view that people who work for money only care about the money. Our many women carers need to think about it carefully.
My 'tech support' DH will never offer the 'personal service care' his sister's do.
One said she wants to help, loves to help, even said she wanted to be SEEN to be the Best Helper (as she attempted to roster others to do the work). So amazingly, possesses excellent insight to her motivation! Not financially motivated at all - but to be the 'Good Daughter'.
But so many women leave their paid jobs, even their homes & then that co-dependant situation is set up & financials become messy & mixed up too.
I feel that whatever the parent does about inheritance it is always best to let the children know what they are doing, and why. It saves a lot of heartache later.
Fortunately my mother had the means to have a private PSW for 10 hours a day for 4 months. She is now just recently placed in an assisted care facility.
I took care of her for 4 months daily (only) and had no help from my brother, nieces or SIL during that time. I didn't expect to be paid for my time but knew I needed to get back to my business shortly.
My point is- It is so very important to have a proper Will drawn up prior to a parent needing care. A discussion about who may be able to assist on a part time or full time basis. Will payment be given or not (circumstances- said person, takes a leave of absence to carry said role out, time frame) Is an assisted living facility a plan for future.
If a parent has dementia and a Will has not be drawn up with specific guidelines and discussed prior, with family members- then it may become a litigious matter and something that should be avoided with proper planning ahead of time.