I am a live-in caretaker to my 75 year old narcissist mother, who is on year two post-stroke. I'm an only child and the only person willing to take this on. She was a sad, broken person even before the stroke (anyone who is close to someone with NPD will know about the abuse and destruction they inflict on others). I'm 40 years old and I feel like I gave up my entire adult life for her. I moved back home (across the country) to take care of her. No friends, no life, and will have to quit my job once the office reopens later this summer.
Lately, I've felt an overpowering urge to run away from this life. No explanation, no looking back, just slipping out in the middle of the night and leaving without a trace. Does anyone else feel like this? And what do you do when you want to escape so badly it's all you can think about sometimes? And it's not just my mom I want to escape, I feel like going to a distant foreign country and being totally anonymous -- just a complete absence of responsibility to anyone and anything.
You're experiencing FOG, fear, obligation, and guilt. It's something you can research to find lots of resources online. Please care for yourself. Do not sacrifice yourself for someone who can never be satisfied and will never be happy, even if you destroy yourself trying.
Don’t know if you are a Paul Simon fan. I have always loved him and have seen him live at our Jazz Fest. He’s fantastic! Music is always a joyful escape for me.
Your posting reminds me of his song, 50 ways to leave a lover, but in your case, substitute ‘Mom’ for lover!
You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just set yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
I think all caregivers have felt like that at one time or another and if they say they haven’t, they are lying!
I truly hope that one day, you can as Paul says, “set yourself free!”
Now this son will go threw my head all day
Seriously, once it is more Covid safe to do so, take a short break. Book respite for Mom (in-home or accommodation) & go. Somewhere short first. An afternoon. Then a full day. Then a weekend. Otherwise you start to live an 87 yr old life.
You entered this commitment without any sense but that you had to do it, no balance of what you could offer to her and STILL maintain what you needed for your own welfare. You’ve learned since you overturned your own life that you have lost what you need for yourself.
If Mom has financial resources, place her in the best care facility you can find, and reassume responsibility for your own welfare. Remain in touch with her, visit if you choose to do so, but relieve yourself of the full time responsibilities of her hands on care.
Birthing you did not bestow on you the responsibility of erasing yourself to be a caregiver to someone else. Some people can and do take the role of full time care giving willingly. You, in your current place in life, ARE NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
That you acknowledge that fact takes courage. Now, take action.
I made all of mom’s needs far more important than any of my own,
justifying it all by telling myself I could do this because of my great love for my mom, who is a covert narcissist. And I am a fool.
You moved from a different state and said you have no friends, no life. I’m in the same boat and that has to change. I think you made an important step forward by writing to us. Even if it’s only once per week, can you make a commitment to get out and perhaps meet others to start getting a life? I’m having trouble with that, myself, but know I need to do it or lose what few social skills remain. I agree with other posters that quitting your job seems a step backwards right now, but, maybe you hate it. We don’t have enough info to do much more than to speculate, but to answer your post, YES, I WANT TO RUN AWAY! You aren’t alone in that impulse, and I hope it helps you a bit to hear many feel as you do.
jhalldenton and AnnReid, thanks for your very helpful words. I shall read your posts over and over. ❤️
I have started taking mini breaks. I book a room, have a nice dinner, and try to think new thoughts, completely new thoughts. Or go exploring. It’s not extravagant and is barely a 24 hour break, but it helps (once a month). Once every 6 months, I take a 3-nighter! Hey!
You know your situation and what you need (vs. “want”).
You want to run away, but you need to start doing what you CAN to move forward, step by step, toward hopefulness, toward peacefulness in your heart. I hope you can explore something completely new, soon and find a tiny spark of joy, if only to ignite the next tiny little spark.....
love to you
Why do YOU have to do this?
My mother had a stroke. She went to rehab and then to a nursing home.
Is that option not available? Why not?
I fantacised about a beautiful place I had visited on holidays. About packing a go bag & just going.
What helped me then was support. I found being a 'lone ranger' was not enough. I needed a village. I sought more helpers & things slowly changed. Or I could say, I accepted I needed to make some changes.
Who else helps with Mom?
Your job. Tell me about that. Do you like it? Like the people there? What's your home town like?
I'm thinking you may have given your Mother a lovely gift - this time you cared for her. But all things must end. Time for a new plan. A plan where you return to your job, home & life & Mother moves into the care accommodation she now needs.
What are your thoughts about that?
instead. I retreat into the bathroom and stay there pampering myself whether it’s a shower or exfoliation my feet or just anything to relax my mind. Hang in there, I am, by my toenails, this chapter won’t last forever. I wish you peace .
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