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After 55 years of marriage, which the first few years were good, the last 25/30 weren’t. He drank himself into a stupor every night then the Alzheimer’s hit. My question is for my own sanity, been diagnosed with Anxiety,depression and PTSD (due to his behavior at home)I do not want to visit him in the facility. My kids can’t understand why I am now taking care of myself and refusing to do what they expect me to do. Do I stop going or continue seeing my husband every 2 weeks? I am 80 and so is my husband.

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Take care of yourself. You've taken care of everyone else, and now it's your turn to decide what's right for you.

Your kids don't get to call the shots in your marriage or in the rest of your life, either. Be honest with them. Don't they know that he was drunk every night? If they don't, tell them. Inform them that you did your duty as you understood it to be throughout the ordeal of your marriage. Now you are asking for their understanding and love (understanding that they apparently are giving to their dad despite his past behavior).

I wouldn't blame you for never going to see your husband. What's the point? The marriage appears to have been over for a long time.
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WifeHasHadIt Nov 2023
Thank you. Yes the marriage was over years ago. However, I thought it was my job to take care of my alcoholic husband. My generation didn’t think of divorce. I am my husbands health care advocate and I am POA.
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My inlaws were at odds for years. Other issues aside, when MIL had open heart surgery, FIL refused to help her in the slightest. She had to use her cell phone to call her sister to help her off the toilet. He canceled Meals on Wheels and the at home help that had been arranged. MIL had a long memory, soooo.....

When FIL's first leg was amputated she told the care team she WOULD not take care of him and placed him in a nursing home. She was fine with the plan to spend down their savings to pay for his care when Medicare ceased. FIL had anesthesia related dementia post amputation and could not follow the transfer steps.

Two of her sons were outraged, my husband was not because he knew his mother was serious and he doubted her capabilities to care for her husband due to her mental illness issues. The other brothers secretly removed him from the nursing home and dumped him back with their mom saying it was her job to take care of him. Neither hung around to help, both lived several states away.

Their story took a twist as MIL's vascular dementia went hardcore. Husband and I had to move both of them into a nursing home in our state. FIL and MIL's siblings wanted them kept apart on different wings as they had endured years of the two hating each other. All of the elderlies felt the other family was to blame.

MIL ( mid stage vascular dementia) refused to be in a different room at the nursing home and kept crawling into FIL's bed. The nursing home put them in the same room and they were very happy together - for the first time in decades. Lasted only 5ish months as FIL launched himself out of his wheelchair, tore his intestine and was placed on hospice as no surgeon felt it was responsible to leave him in his demented state with a colostomy bag.

MIL mourned him for about a week before coloring her hair red and looking for another nursing home partner.
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WifeHasHadIt Nov 2023
That is an interesting story. Thanks for sharing.
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Fifty five years with a drunken and manipulative tyrant is long enough. Kids don't understand. However, you are the parent. Take a break. Let the kids go see their father. I know what it is like to spend time babysitting a drunk. It is hell to deal with. Anxiety, depression and PTSD is inevitable living under this type of abuse for so many years.

Continue to take care of yourself. No, you do not need to visit this man every two weeks if you don't feel like it. You dedicated fifty five years to this man, please don't give him the last years out of dedication.
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WifeHasHadIt Nov 2023
Thank you. I am getting stronger and stronger each day. I am taking it one day at a time.
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I can definitely relate to what you are going through. Staying in a marriage for 55 years with a drunk will certainly give you anxiety, depression, and PTSD. My situation is similar to yours except my husband isn’t a drunk but a narcissist. I have suffered with depression which caused me to go on antidepressants and also have counseling, which did not help me until I became my own advocate and it has opened up a whole new world for me. I became my own advocate and I realized that my depression was situational and I can overcome the depression by moving away from the situation.

After what your husband has put you through for 55 years, you don’t have to adhere to what your children want you to do. Tell your children that you are done with the hurt and pain that their father has put you through and you are now going to find YOUR happiness. Tell your children that their father is all theirs now and they can go and take over his care. It’s time for YOU to heal. It’s time for YOU to find the peace and happiness that YOU deserve. DO NOT feel guilty about walking away because when your husband was putting you through the psychological pain, he did not feel guilty. It’s sad that you did not walk away from this marriage years ago, but it’s not too late. You can now live the rest of your golden years in happiness and peace.

Please stay strong and do what’s best for YOU. If you care to go visit your husband you can, but you don’t have to. Praying that you will find the peace and happiness that YOU deserve.
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WifeHasHadIt Nov 2023
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I am taking baby steps right now but thinking of putting myself first instead of last.
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My friend had a husband who was a serial cheater, she couldn't take it anymore so she divorced him. Her four daughters just couldn't understand why she would divorce their "Daddy"!

Interesting that all four of the daughters have been divorced 1 or 2 times, suddenly the light bulb has gone on.

This mentally level is a throwback to 50 years ago when "Daddy" was the "King" of the castle and whatever he did was just fine, as the little woman was to accept it.

If your children don't like it that you are finally standing up for yourself and doing away with the servitude role that is their problem not yours. Let them visit him and take over his care.

Do what is best for you, the clock is ticking, we only have one chance at a good life, don't miss this opportunity.

Sending support your way.
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lkdrymom Nov 2023
I'd be interested in knowing if the girls knew about the cheating and assumed it should be overlooked. My kids were little when I divorced. I tried not to say anything bad about their father but I also refused to make excuses for him too. My daughter was always annoyed with the fact that I didn't think her dad was just wonderful. And yes from an early age she knew the reason for the divorce but at that time it really didn't mean anything to her. Then at around the age of 16 she came to me and told me she was so sorry for things she had said in the past because "she sees it now". They have loyalties to both parents and of course are going to blame the one that no longer wants to go with the flow.
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I would tell your kids that you stayed in an unhappy relationship during their childhood, and that they must have "noticed". If they did not notice, you are here to tell them NOW.
Tell them that you and your husband were lost to one another long ago.
And I would imagine your husband is increasingly more lost now even to himself.
In all truth, he may now be given some of the most non-judgemental love he has had in a while, and he is in a whole new community (such as it is).
And that you hope they will continue any loving visits to him that they wish to make.
But that you now, finally, at 80, will be making decisions for your own peace and well-being.

For me, had I chosen to stay, I would own that.
I would take responsibility for my choice in the matter and tell myself ALL the reasons I DID stay. I would then forgive myself. Because having children and choosing to leave something financially safe isn't always an option for many. You did the best you could. You are STILL doing the best you can.

I would tell my children that I have made choices for my own life, and that they will have to live with that as I live with their given rights to make their own choices in their own lives.

I would invite my children to go to Al-Anon with me; there I would seek support and community.
Then I would make the decision I felt best for ME. I have been to Al-Anon in the past. They were wonderful support, non-judgemental and helpful; and you will find as many divergent opinions as you find in your own children, but the love and community is an awning over all.

I wish you the best. Your husband is in care. My brother was once in an abusive relationship in which his partner would abuse him and then come back begging. When finally my brother had the courage to leave this needy man he cried to me "But who will take CARE of Jose" (who was then ill with HIV. I told him that I as an RN could assure him that Jose would receive the loving care of the nurses and aids in the medical community. Your hubby will have that as well.

I hope you'll update us on your journey. Best to you and my heart goes out to you. You will receive a whole lot of criticism. They will tell you that you did not leave when he was well and you can't while he is ill. But the truth is that you cannot save everyone. Sometimes you can only swim for shore.
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WifeHasHadIt Nov 2023
Thank you for your words of wisdom. There are some very tough decisions ahead of me. I am sure with professional guidance I will make the right choices for me.
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I think it may be time to think about what's best for you. I have found that living up to other's expectations, especially other family members, can rob you of your peace and your joy. Sounds like it's been a long road you've traveled. I myself can certainly understand your position.
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WifeHasHadIt Nov 2023
Thank you for your kind words. The psychiatrist wants me to go on meds but I refused. I need a clear mind to make some serious decisions.
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I divorced after 20 years of an abusive marriage and understand your feelings of anxiety, depression and PSTD completely. I'll never got those years back, either.

Tell your kids they can go visit him all they want. You put in 55 years of service, including raising them while under a dictatorship. I'd guess you kept your suffering hidden from your kids as well.

Go only once a month, if even that much. Enjoy your last years of life in peace...you have earned every right to do so. The kids can take their "expectations" and shove them.

Keep taking care of yourself! Not your fault he drank or has Alz. He is 100% responsible for his bad behavior. Liquor tends to kill/damage brain cells, why people have bad headaches when hung over.

Stay strong and keep going forward! Best of luck to you.
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WifeHasHadIt Nov 2023
Thank you. Yers and yers of being told you can’t do this and you can’t do that I am a little skittish but I am getting there. Slow but sure.
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Wife, I hope you have had at least an initial consult with a qualified Elder Law attorney.

You need to protect yourself financially as well as emotionally.
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WifeHasHadIt Nov 2023
Yes, I already done that. Thanks for your comment. I appreciate everyone’s input. It truly helps in making decisions not only me but someone else who might be reading the forum posts.
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NO! You do not have to visit him. He has not been a husband to u for quite a while. Tell your kids they have nothing to say about how you spend your life. Tell them that Dad was a drunk. That not once in 30 yrs did he make you feel like a wife. You did what was expected of u then, not going to now. He is safe and cared for.
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WifeHasHadIt Nov 2023
I spoke to the facility administrator and she said go enjoy your life. Your husband is well cared for. Thank for your response
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