My mom is 82 COPD, declining sharpness, She has always been a bit of a drinker, but now it just dangerous and sad. She will not admit she's drunk but yet can not even hold her head up. A couple of weeks ago she fell out of bed or almost out of bed with her leg against dresser holding her in.. I have talked to her friends and family, that come over and drink with her, told them it is not safe and can not continue. This has not stopped her, she tells me I can't tell her what to do. This happened tonight She was just pissed can barely keep her head up, I told her that its not fair as I am the one who as to take care of her. she proceeded to tell tough and that she was hungry, SHe was unable to fix herself another one and I told her though I'm not getting you one. I will be sleeping in travel trailer tonight, I can't keep enabling her. I'm at my wits end.
Making time to be methodical and also to rest more, around people who drink in ways that put themselves or others into danger, is not easy but actually ends up helping the situation some, for some of the drinking occurs because the parent or relative feels protected - no matter how much yelling occurs.
I have a callous attitude sometimes - Let Go and Let God, pause a few days before being so quick to volunteer to step in as middle man, when the person you are helping is ignoring your efforts and making things worse. I like some of the responses here, it does matter to stay involved and look for other physical issues - and talk to the home about the friends who come with the alcohol. But if that continues, you can say to your mother, you choose them and their company over mine, so I love you and will keep stopping by, but I have to leave you to your own devices, I can't rescue you this way.
Visit - and chat. Show that you care, on a regular basis. And then leave. Soon she will complain and you can say, I can't try to help with that, you need to stop drinking, so you can think better. I worry about you. And leave it at that. Or ask why she listens to her "friends", for drinking buddies are not really friends who go to bat for you.
I'm simplifying, and I don't mean to make suggestions, only to say it can be very helpful to realize that we cannot drive ourselves to impatience and stress and worry. The person may die from their actions, we need to allow them to see that we do not want this to happen, and worry, but we can't promise to even try to find solutions, when they are showing they don't really want them.
I'm not saying to abandon them, but come and go, and pick times to help positively so you can feel some good cheer, and pray over the rough spots and say, I have to go now.
Our meetings are filled with children, spouses or mothers, all worried at the edge, living with broken promises and crazy-making stuff - and we find we are more patient and able to struggle when we meet others in similar settings, allow ourselves many breaks from worry, and self forgiveness. We work to give ourselves deliberate schedule that includes rest and small steps to keep up with our own goals. I've joined an anonymous group to help with my under-earning too - I wish I had found that one earlier, for my upbringing taught me few experiences of a methodical life, it was filled with battles and competition among the children, who were so rarely the focus of any sustained adult attention, since both parents were drinkers and more focused on maintaining a social image, than on learning to work together with all the people in the home to address home care and family tasks
Well I sat her down and told her how unfair things were and that she is basically pushing everyone away.
Well, like a true alcoholic, she was very apologetic, and the whole it won't happen again, states she can quit on her own.
Then she found a reason later that day to be upset with me and started, the I DO EVERY THING WRONG, YOUR SO MEAN TO ME, BIT, Sorry to say it totally set me off. I was in the process of getting her stuff ready to go out. I stopped and looked at her and said "Are you kidding me?" Told her she needed to find another way to get there, I have not spoken to her since Wednesday night, and she has not spoken to me, was told by her friend she's waiting for me to apologize, LOL not going to happen. This sis when I am glad for my little travel trailer, I go back work on laptop,watch TV .
Thanks for all the wonderful advice, I looked up local Al Anon meeting, will be going ASAP.
She needs to be placed in a secure facility that can deal with this kind of problem. You need to build a team with a social worker who can do an assessment and a doctor who can determine what other issues are in play besides drinking. Your mother may be self-medicating her depression or boredom, which is common in elders, and extremely treatable.
Priority one is her safety, and that may mean she needs to be in a different environment for a while, where she does not have access to alcohol or her triggers. A doctor can help you make that happen.
My mom was apparently living in her own home like that FOR YEARS! I was married with 3 kids living FOUR HOURS away and had no idea. One Christmas, I went to get her and bring her to my house....she was SO DRUNK and scared she swung a BIG PIPE WRENCH at me. She eventually ended up in ICU and a nursing home. While she was there, they dried her out and she quit smoking. She lives near me in an assisted living facility and honestly, she's almost cured. Every now and then she gets her "panties in a wad" because she sees someone drinking and she says, "Oh those poor people!" But she admits that her only regret is she can't drink b/c it makes her want to smoke and she doesn't want to go through the radiation for lung cancer again........
Your loved one's situation is fixable but call the Adult Protective Services folks......the Council on Aging ......anyone in your area that advocates for Seniors and maybe you can get her out of that mess. Go find a Al-anon sponsor.....someone to tell stories to until they make you realize.....worse things can happen and still may happen to you! But then again, things CAN get better! Pray if you find that helpful. I will pray for you.
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