My mom is visually impaired, with a bunch of other health conditions.
I can't work a fulltime/day job bc she has drs appointments every week. Sometimes upward of 8 apps and some 1hr drive one way.
I'm not sure what to do, she refuses to have anyone but me as her caregiver.
I have been taking care of her from 17 to now 37 (20 years).
I mainly drive her to drs appointments, grocery, bank, deal with all finances. I have no life and she thinks I "get paid to do nothing" but won't get another caregiver to help.
You do realize that you are only hurting yourself and your future, by not working a fulltime job at your age. You will have no earnings when it comes time to apply for social security at retirement.
Something has to change and only you can change things. You do not owe your mother anything, especially your life or your future, and until you really understand that, things will remain the same. Your mother is being very selfish, and as long as she has you to use and abuse(yes, she's abusing you)why would she want to hire someone else to do what needs to be done, when she knows you will do it? If you were to say enough is enough, she would have no choice but to hire someone.
And if your mom requires that much medical attention, then she really needs to be placed in the appropriate facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires.
It's time for you to get your life back, and quit being at her beck and call. This nonsense has gone on long enough, so put your big girl panties on and tell your mom, that you're done being her slave, and that she will have to find someone else to use, or move into a nursing facility.
No mom, I can't take any more time off.
No mom, I'm not willing to drive over an hour away, you'll have to see someone local.
My mom was legally blind at age 75 and lived independently until she was in her 90's. I mostly visited weekly to help with her shopping, pick up her mail and pay her bills but when I couldn't be there I knew she'd be fine - she had a lifeline button for emergencies and home care once a week.
It must be really hard for you to look at things logically. Logic says that mother can ‘refuse to have anyone but me as her caregiver’, and that equally you can refuse to be the caregiver. That leaves mother to find someone else.
I don’t normally go much on the ‘talk to a therapist’ line, but I really do think that it’s appropriate for you. You have so much to sort out in your own life and where you go from here, as well as how to deal with mother’s demands. The doctor’s appointments are the tip of the iceberg.
Please get some help. Love, Margaret
In retrospect, a large percentage of the appointments were completely unnecessary and although they “had” the time, these doctors appointments were a drain on their “golden years.” could be somewhat depressing and prevented them from having time to do the things they loved most.
What you wrote means Mom may be a hypochondriac and you are paying the price. You need to put your foot down. All tests have been run, doctors say nothing is wrong. Tell her NO. I am not taking you. You are an adult not a child and deserve to be respected. She needs you more than you need her at this point of her life. If she insists u take her, tell her to get a cab. Take senior bussing. Let her be mad. Boundaries by Townsend and cloud is a very good read my daughter says.
Guilt is self imposed
No is one sentence
You are not responsible for someone's reaction to your No. (From the book Boundries)
Speak very plainly and tell her she has a choice. Either she will accept a paid caregiver bringing her to the doctor's appointments, or she will go without medical care. Her choice. I'm sure she won't put stubbornness and orneriness before her own health care.
As for the 'getting paid to do nothing', there's only one way to handle that.
Mom needs a bit of tough love. She has to experience what life will be like if you really did nothing. Then stop. Don't accept her money and don't do a single thing for her. Do not help her in any way with anything. No rides, meals, housekeeping, paying bills, grocery shopping, errands, medication organizing, etc... Do nothing. Keep this up until mom changes her tune and learns to treat you with some basic respect. This probably won't last a day. Stop letting her walk all over you.
Arrange homecare services to help out for your mother then get a day job. It will be good for you both. My mother too has a collection of doctors. I spent years running her from doctor to doctor for nothing. She has some health conditions, but is also a hypochondriac. One day I just said 'enough' and got a job. Turns out I'm not the only person on earth who can get her to one of her doctors. In fact, I'm not even the only person she knows who can.
Your mother will continue to treat you like a doormat and servant as long as you continue to be the solution for all of her problems and care needs.
Take back your life. It will be good for both of you and will improve your relationship.
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