My mom is in a deep depression and not in very good health. How can I help her with nothing is ever right?
I am loosing my health, my life, my happiness. i Handle everything financial, and doctor visits, medicines, the cost to have a assisted facility do these things are cost prohibitive, mom is going to run out of money. Trying to please my mother, I have moved her from facility to facility, I have taken her to Dr after Dr , changed her meds, nothing is working, she is miserable and want to take me down. My wife and I take over 10 calls a day from her, yesterday mom called me crying and told me whe wished she was dead, mad at me, unhappy with everything and very very mean to me. My wife and I are doing for mom everyday , nothing pleases her, I dont know what to do... I need help ... I seem to be wasting my time trying to please mom at the cost of hurting my life, my health and relationships, my sister or other family members all give advise and do not have a clue what I am going trhough and really do nothing to help, I am ready to tell everyone to go fly a kite and leave town...HELP
8 Answers
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I had to learn to draw boudaries. It is a difficult thing to do when you love someone and want to take away their suffering. But the reality is: you can't.
Divide your Mom's requests into two categories: needs and wants. The needs come first: proper medical care, nutrition, safety, etc. The wants are her requests. These you do on your own time and at your convenience. No one deserves a 24/7 servant; so do not become one.
From experience, if you continue on this path, you will eventually hit a wall physically and/or mentally. Your health and relationships will suffer.
Start today and good luck.
The struggle I've found is that part of me has wanted to be a "good person" and be recognized as such. A difficult person, like your Mom, who sees herself (or himself; this is universal) as the center of the universe, can never recognize another person for long, if at all. So be willing to find ways to stop looking for her to change. Find ways to change the criteria by which you judge yourself: a "good person" doesn't need to be a wrung out doormat. A "good person" and "good son" can ABSOLUTELY tell Mom that he needs a break. That if the only thing she wants to talk about is how miserable she is, there will be time limits on how long you talk, and how often you see her. That you recognize she is in a hard situation, and she feels powerless and SO ARE YOU.
Then take the break. Start with 24 hours if that's all you can manage. Post little signs places to remind you that you need emotional rest. Then declare a few days of the week Mom-free. If nothing is ever to her preference, nothing ever will be. There is no secret code to crack here. There is just recognizing that you have gone down this path to the bitter end, and now need a new way. So many of us are sending you good vibes, and can tell you that drawing lines helps everyone. It even puts the parent on notice -- which, in the case of my father, has kept him from getting as worked up about stuff as often as he used to. Good luck to you.
You didn't say if your mom has dementia. That would explain a lot of her behavior.
My mom is also in AL and I visit her every other day. Thankfully she is 90% with it mentally. I have a set time that I call her on my non-visiting days. She's happy with that and knows what to expect.
My advice to you would be to arrange a set call time ONCE a day. Otherwise, do not pick up the phone. You seriously need and deserve a break, and only you can give yourself one. Establish some boundaries to protect your mental and physical health, no guilt required!