she lives 1200 miles away. her husband of 30 yrs is disabled and not able to take care of her and himself. Their apartment is very close to the nursing home. He is understanding everything. mom is very smart and witty. I dont know what i am suppose to do.
I wish the best for all and I applaud your Mom for her self reliance.
From what I have read on this site, count your blessing. Most elderly people do not want to go to a nursing home even when they really need it and their poor kids are begging them for some care and relief. What will happen to her husband?
You say that your mother is smart. Unless you suspect that that is no longer true, or that she is losing her reasoning ability, then accept her decision and be encouraging.
Will her husband be able to care for himself, if he doesn't have to care for her as well? Will he need some support, like meals on wheels, a visiting nurse, homemaker services, etc? Perhaps you could help him and your mother attend to some of these things, if they have not been covered already.
Since the NH is so close, perhaps your mother has visited friends there, volunteered there, eaten in their cafeteria, or otherwise has become comfortable there. Will her husband be able to visit her often? Perhaps eat with her daily?
Try to find the positives in this situation, and offer your mother support. And a NH is not a prison. If it doesn't work out, she is free to make other arrangements.
On a practical note, I'm not sure how much interference you could do, and trying might only put a strain on your relationship without changing the outcome.
Keep us posted on how this unfolds. An elder deciding on a NH is unusual, and many of us will be interested in hearing more.