My Mom (84) lives with me and hubby and has for 10 years.
There is daily friction between them and I'm caught in the middle. Some background:Mom became wheelchair bound in Mar 2015 when her leg was amputated above the knee. She is almost blind due to diabetes. She spent several months in a rehab unit, then we thought she was well enough to come home. We made several accommodations to our home including making half our large den into a bedroom for her, putting a commode and sink close by and widening a door.
The stuff we had to move to make room for her bedroom and bathroom is in her old bedroom or in the garage, etc. It is a mess. She is able to get in and out of bed normally by herself and transfer on and off the commode. We have to transport her to another bath for her to take a shower, which she can also do herself. I help with drying, but that's all. She can cook some things herself with a micro and a toaster oven. She is not totally dependent. Mom and hubby used to get along much better than now--I believe because they are both older and deal with a lot of chronic pain issues. I don't know, but it is driving me crazy! She gets her feelings hurt easily and cries at the drop of a hat. My hubby doesn't 'get' how this effects me, He also doesn't realize what position he is putting me in when they argue or he makes her cry. I need help on what to do, other than getting the dog and leaving town. I love both of them, but I am afraid it will destroy my marriage. Plus, mom feels like she is a burden and has said more than once, just find someplace for me to go. Then the GUILT kicks in.....Can anyone offer me some help?
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My husband is aware what this is doing to me and my mom--seems like he just has to say things about her dropping things or leaving something on the table that she should of put elsewhere. I've begged him to stop and it is better, but it seems he can't help himself. Perhaps you're right, as hard as it is to admit, we may have issues aside from mom. :(
Mom says she wants you to find her a place to live. But that makes you feel guilty. So you aren't taking her seriously in order to protect your feelings. Sounds kind of selfish when you put it that way, doesn't it?
My advice: start looking for a care center that would meet your mother's needs. Try to find one close enough so that you can visit often. She and her son-in-law will probably get on together a lot better when he is a visitor.
When my mother could no longer live in an apartment alone even with all the help we arranged, she moved in with my sister and BIL. That was a wonderful transitional move for her. They helped her quite smoking. They took her to doctor appointments, got her through a period of eye drops after cataract surgery. It was confining for them, of course, but they wisely took respite. This worked awesome for 14 months. But as Mom's health declined and dementia worsened it became less awesome. By then she was beyond assisted living. We moved her into a nursing home. She is now wheel-chair bound.
The whole time she was at my sister's Mom worried about being a burden and insisted she needed her own place, no matter how much we reassured her. Now she has her own address. None of us children could believe how much she blossomed and thrived in that new environment, in spite of continued decline in health. She doesn't fight about taking showers. She doesn't have to leave the premises for doctors to see her or to get her hair done weekly. In our particular case, the transition from her apartment was greatly eased by living with her daughter, but that was not the best long-term solution.
Your poor mother is living in a situation where someone arguing with her and makes her cry. This is not good for her. You are contemplating running away. Your husband doesn't understand the situation and is putting his marriage at risk. Something has to change.
Why not take your mother seriously and find a place for her that would be an improvement for all three of you? Don't let guilt control your actions.
Advice? You've given it a good chance to work, don't dig in your heels if it isn't. Are you sure mom wouldn't be happier at assisted living? Are she and hubbie self aware enough to figure out their hot buttons and figure out ways to compromise? Would a mediator help?