My Mother has always put her own health first. Since I can remember she has 'moaned' about one illness or another. Often spending most of her time in bed. I used to believe what she said but eventually realised her professed illnesses were mostly an attention seeking ploy. Her illnesses were used to control me and my stepfather.
My 'golden child' brother was protected and she didn't like to upset him. I was fair game though. My stepfather was an obedient enabler. So much of my life has been affected by feelings of guilt and dread of her volatile nature.
I live 25 miles away from them but over the last few years I have tried to help them both on a weekly basis. Though nothing I do is of significance. I have done alot for them both. I have a family of my own but I can't mention what I do for them as my Mother will turn on me saying why don't you do something for us!
Often my mother is both physically and verbally hostile towards me. I am 65 now and she drains the life out of me!
Now she constantly asks me to move in with them to totally care, cook and deal with my stepfathers incontinence etc! He does have daily homecare twice a day. They are both sound of mind.
If my Mother was an easier individual My dilemma would be so much easier but her hostile behaviour is often a nightmare. At the age of 89 she has so much energy and yet to hear her she is at death's door.
If I lived with her she would be the death of me I know!
I'm not a shy introverted type. I am a strong woman who held down a very responsible job but my Mother saps the very life out of me.
The more I see her, often the worse she treats me.
Now she constantly tells me I need to do more for them by moving in with them!
My Mother says its my duty to care for them now they are old ( not my Brothers!)
Incidentally, neither of them cared for their own parents in any way whatsoever!
I know I just can't live with her so how can I handle her constant request?
And regarding this: "I'm not a shy introverted type. I am a strong woman who held down a very responsible job but my Mother saps the very life out of me" and this: "So much of my life has been affected by feelings of guilt and dread of her volatile nature."
Your awareness of these things is the key to coming out from underneath them. Choose a happy life focused on others who love and support you instead. :)
Jane
I would let her know that you have a family and that this (hand her a paper with a schedule on it, ie: Tues and Sat from this time to this time) is when I will or can be coming to see you. However, there are times when an emergency may come up and things may need to change. This is how it is, this is what works for me and will work for you. If you need more than this call your son I'm sure he will be happy to come and assist you. Hugs.
blessing
hgnhgn
It is not your duty to move in and care for them.
It might be easier to have this conversation on the phone, that way if she gets abusive or nasty you can just hang up.
Of course she will throw a tantrum. So what. What is she going to do, stop contacting you? If she does enjoy the break. She'll get over it.
Once she cools down and realizes you are not her free slave then you can decide what you want to do from afar, like helping her find resources or apply for medicaid.
Also, you have my empathy. I have a difficult mother too and she's bulldozed me to the point of abuse all my life. I'm just now realizing at age 56 that she doesn't control the situation anymore. I do. The same is true for you.
Maybe stop coming around as often? It’s draining you and simply because she thinks you’re the one to care for her, doesn’t mean you have to. You’re doing more than she deserves as it is. No parent who truly loved you would insist you ignore your own family for them.
Simply tell her “No. I have my own family and they come first. I like where I am and that’s final.” If she keeps asking, keep repeating the reason, or say “Mom, I’ve already explained this. The answer is no.”