Moved back to my parents house in 2012 with my 2 kids after a divorce. It seemed like a great idea since I could help them pay mortgage and the kids would get to know the grandparents better.
They were completely independent back then and now that my mother is in a pre-Alzheimer’s state their relationship has deteriorated even more. They were never the model couple in their 52 years of marriage, but they usually got along enough. As soon as my father starts drinking (it’s a daily thing for him about 10-12 liters of wine or more per week) he becomes extra sensitive and verbally abusive and sometimes physically towards everyone but especially towards her. She is no saint either (we have all seen it) sometimes she pushes him and he falls because he’s had too much alcohol and very often instigates him by making comments on his ever growing belly. I have always denied to myself that he is an alcoholic mainly because I’ve seen him control the habit - we have been having yearly challenges where we all stop drinking for a month and he has no problem doing that and becomes a much better person during that month period.
Since 2018 my mother has been showing signs of Alzheimer’s and my father drinks more and more every day. When I am home she is usually with me since we live in a 2 family home and lately I ask her not to go downstairs and sleep in the guest bedroom because I know it more than likely result in an argument of some sort.
Lately mother has been crying a lot and regretting not having left him earlier in her life, usually after some kind of argument but nevertheless worrisome. I see her very depressed sometimes and only happy when she’s with me, I see him depressed and drinking excessively on a daily basis.
She has been asking to go see a lawyer and get a divorce, what can be done at this point where her mind is not what it used to be and she is not able to recall events of the day before but remembers something wrong happened.
They often create a very toxic environment around them because of the constant bickering.
As a concerned older son I feel that I have to do something about it. My uncle from my mother’s side is close in age to me and feels the same - we have to do something. My daughter moved out of the house after graduating from high school and went to live and study in the UK. My sister after an unexpected divorce also moved to the UK so I am alone with my teenage son and uncle on this.
There’s a lot more to say but at this point I have to start somewhere looking for answers. We are an honest hardworking family and I just can’t let this happen to us.
I appreciate your help and expertise.
It is not your job to fix your parents' relationship. It IS your job, however, to get your son OUT of that toxic environment.
Or else he may be writing MY story one day, and blaming YOU for his dysfunctional childhood.
There is no such thing as a 'pre Alzheimer's state'. Your mother either has Alzheimer's since 2018 or she does not. Once you move yourself & your son out of your parents home, then you can try to help get them placed; perhaps dad can go into Assisted Living and mom can go into the Memory Care section of the same place. Separating them may be their best bet, before they wind up hurting one another or before the police are called and your father gets arrested for being drunk & disorderly, and hit with a domestic violence charge to boot.
Wishing you good luck moving forward.
Your mother is an adult who has made her choices. Your primary responsibility is to your child, who is still a minor.
He seems on a pathway for an alcohol related dementia (if not already).
Could you go talk to your Doctor? Find out how an aged care assessment for vulnerable elders works where you live?
In all honesty, if you moved out tomorrow, would it become a catastrophe? If so, then they are no longer independent & need an experienced Social Worker to assist with a transition into a care setting. Separate rooms would be required.
Keep with us. This is going to be one bumpy ride.
An attorney will be able to assess whether or not your mother is capable of understanding and signing documents including divorce papers. If she's too far gone to sign, then she cannot get a legal divorce. If they lived separately, that might be enough to satisfy her.
You do seem overly concerned with your parents' marriage, and not concerned enough about the toxic environment in which your 17 year old son is living. Your son is 17 NOW but he's been living like this since he was 9!
What does your father say about the situation?
So. You've been living with them for eight years. Your daughter seems to have voted with her feet. Does your son have similar plans to move out, have you talked to him about what he thinks, what he hopes to do?
Pre-Alzheimer's doesn't mean much to me - what concrete symptoms have you observed, have you asked your mother to consult a doctor, have any investigations been done?
In any case, it sounds as though your mother is some way away from being unable to take legal steps. If she seriously wants to consider divorce, she's free to do so. But to me that sounds like eyewash: some idea that divorce will solve everything, whereas I'm sure you know from your own experience that it's only a beginning of change. What, exactly, will it solve? Where will she live? Where will he live? Does he feel the same?
I don't recommend you get involved in discussing with them what they're arguing about and attempting to act as mediator. You live there, you're much too close to the situation. But a professional outsider might be a very good idea indeed. Do you think that they would consider counselling or mediation?
I would make plans to move out ASAP
You can not fix this.
No such thing as "pre-Alzheimer's"
Your mom should be diagnosed one way or the other dementia (then of what type not all dementia is Alzheimer's)
The next time your dad becomes violent you need to call 911 and express that you are afraid for your safety, your mom's safety.
Your local Area Agency on Ageing might be of some help. At least you can discuss options with a Social Worker.
Do you have POA for either or both of your parents?
And another thing to put on your list of "to do" talk with an Elder Care Attorney.
Sad as it is it is possible that a divorce might be the best thing for both of them. It is possible that they would be eligible for services as single that they might not be if they are married.
Please acknowledge that both of your parents have a problem... and you do too.
Your father IS an alcoholic and needs help. He needs to go to rehab so he can safely "dry out." He also needs to belong to an alcoholic recovery group like AA or Celebrate Recovery.
Your mother IS abusive. She needs to see her primary care doctor AND a psychiatrist. They can manage her Alzheimer's disease (early medication is key) and her poor coping techniques. She may need to spend a little time in an inpatient psych unit to get a handle on her anger, but I am concerned that physical outbursts will be her main way of expressing her displeasure.
You are not the cause nor the cure for your parents' marriage problems. Whether or not your parents' marriage survives will depend on whether or not each of them is willing to get help and work really, really hard at their relationship. If they do split, your mother may need placement into assisted living or a long term care facility that will accept whatever finances she has or Medicaid.
You ARE co-dependent in your parents' problems. Please see a counsellor or join a recovery group like Al Anon. Your children are growing up in an environment that is teaching them all kinds of inappropriate behavior. Please find a way to move out of your parents' home into a place that you can afford. Your children deserve to be loved, cherished and taught how to be healthy, contributing adults in society.
I see that the original letter was written by a loving and concerned son. There is empathy and straight talking on this website, you
came to the right place Teeknow-
The very best of luck- be strong, take care of yourself and your children
especially- Sending love to you.
See All Answers