My elderly father refuses outside help. After a recent fall, refused xrays because he "feels good for his age". Refuses shower assistance and goes several weeks with no bathing, insists he bathes every other day. Has fallen numerous times, insists each time was just an isolated incident. Insists he can fix his own meals but has only tried twice in 2 years and burned himself both times. Insists he doesn't need outdoor/lawn help even though his kids have been killing themselves keeping up with it for 5+ years. It feels like twilight zone. Is there a helpful approach to get around some of this??
His needs are only going to increase. He needs to pay for in-home services like housekeeping, grocery shopping/meal prep, and lawn care.
There's also probably a touch of dementia in the works.
My dad had the same perception as yours.
I would just hire help, get a housekeeper, he pays his fair share, hire a personal chef to do prepared meals, he pays his fair share, hire a lawn service, again he pays his share. Be decidedly immobile with your resolve that you need this help, period end of discussion,. Ya know dad, not everything is about you!
My dad was less rebellious when he believed that I was the one that couldn't cope. I learned that he was going to believe whatever about his own abilities, so I quit bringing that subject up.
Maybe have a date night that you both dress up for once a week. Showers, shiny shoes (rubber soles) shave, the whole shebang.
My dad always said it was his 1st fall, every single time. I learned to keep sharp objects out of his way and how to determine if he was hurt or just shook up. Saved many ER visits.
Learning to pick our battles is a challenge and letting go even a bigger challenge but, it saved my sanity.
His lack of reality testing does not obligate you to kill yourself keeping up his charade of independence.
You can also leave dad where he is, continue to prop him up but the next time he falls take him to the hospital and let the Drs. know his true situation.
Does anyone have DPOA over dad. If so, that person can hire and pay from dad's money for lawn care and in-home care taking over several of the duties dad needs.
Dad can refuse to move to an appropriate facility unless he is deemed to be living in unsafe conditions - why calling APS or delivering him to ER after an accident/fall that leaves him injured.
Know that dad won't thank any of you for doing this, but what should be in the families' mind is dad's safety. Your family should meet and make plans on what is next. Look into facilities that best meet his needs and pare down the list to a couple and keep them in your back pocket when the time comes to move him.
Wish you and your entire family the best.
My diagnosed narcissist mother, on oxygen in a wheelchair, told everyone she gardens, and a bunch of other malarkey. She’s never had a garden in her entire existence.
Once she needed (2) aides and her long term care wouldn’t pay for (2), she unwillingly went into a very nice assisted living.
She hated my guts but her attorney and the probate judge, sided with me on the decision.
Her lawyer made her sign a letter saying she would stop fighting it.
Call SS and ask for a welfare check, since your circumstances are different.
You aren’t alone with this madness.
Save yourself at this point.
It's understandable why you would be sad and why your daughter would be too. But, you're the type of elder everyone dreams of and wishes they were a caregiver for. The elder who is reasonable. The kind who doesn't make their adult kids lives a living hell because they're in denial about still being totally independent. I'm also guessing that you're not a senior for who complaining is a form of entertainment. I'm sure you don't instigate trouble either because you want someone to fight with. An elder like you is a blessing.
Who is doing all the work for him for his daily needs: food, probably house cleaning (if he isn't bathing or cooking, he isn't cleaning either), laundry? Does he call when he falls or do you just see bruises. Or is he calling a neighbor. If calling others, you can tell him that the children are going to get in trouble for leaving dad in an unsafe situation, alone.
Get a large calendar and mark down every fall. Ask him when was the last time he fixed his own meal - what was it? Someone is probably doing laundry, so ask him why there are no towels to wash if he bathes every other day. Mark known baths on the calendar. Start small - we can get you a bath chair so you don't slip down. We can get a lady to come in and pick up/do laundry twice a week - you might even tell him she is a friend of yours who is looking for work.
If you are too available, he's never going to see a need for help because he already has all the help he needs.